Un-Become

Claudia Rawat neé Littman Claudia's Satsang at the Holi Festival, Miami Beach, Florida, on Sunday, April 9, 1978

Pranam, Guru Maharaj Ji.

Jai Satchitanand, dear brothers and sisters.

I really feel very, very unworthy to sit here and to even attempt at all to express, to even try to be a channel for that incredible Love Maharaj Ji has been manifesting in this festival.

It's just such beautiful satsang, really, such incredible satsang, we have been allowed to take in, to absorb for the last three or four days. And like Mom was saying, it's completely, completely amazing that so much is happening to us. So much Love Maharaj Ji is showering on us by his Grace.

I mean, this darshan line - for me it was just the same experience.

Pranam, Maharaj Ji.

It was just so incredible. We came, and we were just sitting there and just watching premies file by. And just having each one - it seemed like this time - I don't know, maybe it was just what I experienced. But it just seemed each one had such a deep, deep, deep experience with Maharaj Ji. There was so much, so much Love manifesting, opening up, being exchanged, that it was just completely incredible. And then Navi took a nap, and when she was ready, I took her, and Raja Ji came. And we went a little bit hack to have some time to just really try just to say, "Oh, Maharaj Ji, please, just take me. Let me surrender. Just allow me to get a glimpse, just a glimpse, of how beautiful you are."

And so we came through the tunnel, and how can I try to express, how can I try to put into words what happened? It was just so incredible.

And I remember at one moment I was kind of concerned: "Oh, what about Navi? Is she going to do pranam or what's -" And then, by Maharaj Ji's Grace, everything just went away, and I looked up and there he was. And I've never -- I don't think I've ever seen Maharaj Ji like that. He was just so powerful. He was so completely beyond


"Oh, Maharaj Ji,
really, I don't
want to become
anything. I just
want to
un-become.
"
- Claudia

human - beyond anything I've ever seen, experienced, felt. He was just golden, shiny, beautiful. Just incredible, just completely incredible. And I did pranam and Navi just - I was holding her in my arm, and she just like - first she went down, and then she went all the way, she put her head on his feet. Such incredible Grace, really. Such incredible Grace.

It's just such a moment. To come to his Lotus Feet, to be able to really touch him is like - it just went through me, like, "Wow! Just imagine! It could very well be that --"

And I remember there was even a time when there was talk about it, there was actual talk about, "Yeah, we're going to cut those darshan lines out one day, because it's just going to be too much." And logically to the mind, it really makes sense. "Yeah! I mean, how is it going to be? One day there's going to be 10,000 premies, and then 15, and then 20, and then maybe one day 100,000 premies, and how is it going to be possible?" And so I remember one time it was attempted. "Yeah, we can start slowly tapering it off by just having a long pillow there. And, premies are going to file by and do pranam to the pillow!" And it actually even happened a few times - only a few times, by his infinite Grace.

And I remember when I heard about this, it just really shocked me! But then it was like, "Okay, I mean, if this is really what Maharaj Ji wants." But still there was this thing inside of me like, "Wow! Just imagine. You could never, ever touch Guru Maharaj Ji's Lotus Feet again. You could never, ever just make that connection which is so precious to us, which is beyond precious, which is our everything - which is my everything."

And maybe it just all happened, looking at it now, just looking for myself maybe it just all happened to show me, just to give me a little idea of how much I take it for granted that I'm allowed to do that. That Guru Maharaj Ji, in all his glory, comes in a human body. And he's with us. He comes down to our level. And I heard somebody saying today how it was before Knowledge, where we just in one way or the other tried to express like, "Please come, and be with me! Help me!" And he did! And he does! And it's just so incredible.

Because yeah, there is a way of looking at it and it's just, "Oh, he has a human body and, you know - sure. And it's logical, why wouldn't he come in a human body, because that's the way he can most easily communicate to us, relate to us - that we can relate to him." But really, you know, sometimes …

24    Divine Times

Claudia Rawat neé Littman Just the other day we went out on a boat ride. We've had a boat here at the residence, and Maharaj Ji's been going out every day. And I really wanted to go on that boat! But he'd never asked me. And I knew I could have said, "Oh Maharaj Ji, please can I come?" or something, and he probably, in his kindness, would have taken me. But I didn't really want to do that. And so I was just hoping, you know, maybe … then I just thought, "Oh, it's not going to happen." And then the other night, he came in, and the sun was setting and it was a really beautiful evening. And he turned to me and he said, "Want to come?" And it was really beautiful. I took Navi and we all went on this boat, and we just took a ride.

And he was just standing there. And he was steering the boat, and it was so much like that satsang he always gives to us about the boat. And he was really just steering the boat in whatever direction he wanted. And he was driving pretty fast. And it was just so beautiful, because there was one moment where it was like, "Oh boy! What's going to happen?" Because Navi's still a fairly small baby and they don't really like when all the wind is blowing in their face, because they can't breathe properly and it kind of freaks them a bit. And so I started worrying about Navi, and I had a hat on and the hat started flying off and everything started happening and I got into all these little things.

And then I just suddenly looked up, and I saw him standing there, and he was just so glorious. He was so beautiful. He was just so powerful: broad shoulders and his black, shiny hair was just blowing in the wind and - Oh! He was incredible! I mean, like, what - what - what - how can you compare Maharaj Ji to anything? Like, beyond anything. But so beautiful.

And it just flashed on me, "Wow! Look at that." It's not just that he comes in a human body. But he comes in such a beautiful body. He comes in such a beautiful form! I mean, he could have come as - I don't know - an 85-yearold woman, or - and that would have been okay, because Perfect Master is Perfect Master. But he comes in all his beauty, in all his glory, in all his power this time. And to me that's just completely incredible. And I know we all experience the same thing! Whenever we see Maharaj Ji it's just like, "Wow! How could it be?" It's more than we could have ever, ever imagined!

And it was so beautiful because really he just showed me that every moment we have that choice to get into all these little things happening and "Yeah -" and this and that, and "How comfortable I am," and "What about the baby?" And "What -" And it's really easy. And it's like, "Yeah. I have to be concerned about that. It's important. I have to take care of that."

Or we can just completely focus on him, and just completely put all our energy into that, all our love into him. And then everything was just fine. The hat stopped flying away and Navi was just fine. She just really enjoyed it as a matter of fact. And it was just the most beautiful ride.

And it's like that all the time in our life. And I know for myself, Maharaj Ji just gives me such a sheltered life in a way, physically speaking. I mean, everything is provided for me. It's incredible. I mean, how can you even start thanking him for even just that aspect? But still, it doesn't matter. And I've seen it.

Since Maharaj Ji's revealed me this beautiful Knowledge, since he's allowed me to come to his Lotus Feet, I've been through so many different things. I've been in many different situations. I've been in the ashram - in the ashram, out of the ashram; this, that, you know. I mean, a lot of different services I did.

And really in the end, when I look at it. it's like no matter where we are, no matter what's happening in our physical life, it always, always, always, always comes down to the same thing: Am I going to trust Maharaj Ji? Am I going to really have faith in Maharaj Ji? Or am I going to get into all my problems, all my difficulties, and experience confusion and craziness, and just so many things. And they are there. And for me, probably they're there as much as they're there for each one of you. And they might be different, or they might look different or some might look more comfortable or less comfortable, but really in the end it's just the same.

And it's so amazing for me, because like really I look at myself and I'm just such an idiot. Because how long do I have Knowledge now? This year it's going to be six years. And it's like, "Wow! Six years!" And still, again and again, I find myself going through the same thing. Again and again I still find that there's something in me which is like. "Oh. yeah, maybe this or maybe that's interesting. Or maybe this is something I should get into.

April/ May 1978    25

Or maybe this is something which is really important." And it's funny!

Claudia Rawat neé Littman Like the other night, something very funny happened. Maharaj Ji went upstairs early, and I went upstairs, and Navi was asleep, and we have a TV in our bedroom. So I turned on this stupid TV. And I knew somehow, when I turned it on, something flashed through me: "Why are you doing that?" And then, okay, I got into it. I turned it on and I watched the stupid Academy Awards. And then Raja Ji came in and he started watching it, and there was "Star Wars" and this and that: watched the whole thing.

And then the next morning I guess Raja Ji just zoomed downstairs and he just said, "Oh, 'Star Wars' got seven academy awards." And then that night, we had dinner with Maharaj Ji and Maharaj Ji looked at me and said, "So, you watched the Academy Awards, huh?" And I just went, "Oops! Here it comes. I knew it when I turned on that thing." And it was really so beautiful. And he started making fun about me. He said, "Oh, I'm going to get you the biggest, biggest most beautiful Oscar you can imagine." He was just playing with me.

And really it was so beautiful, because it's like so incredible when Guru Maharaj Ji even takes that time to correct us, or just even to give an indication, just the slightest indication of like, "Hey, do you really think that's what you're supposed to do? Sit up there and watch TV?" And at first, I got like a little scared. And then it was really beautiful. It really blissed me out because I realized how beautiful he is, that he does this for all of us, all the time, that he gives us direction all the time, he indicates what really pleases him and what doesn't please him. And it's just so incredible, because what would we do without that?

It's unthinkable to forget about Knowledge, forget about anything, and forget about experiencing Maharaj Ji. Because we need him. He is everything.

He is really leading us along that path of devotion, along that path of perfection. Because we can't do it. No way! I know I can't do it, and I don't think any of us can do it. And it's just so beautiful, because he knows that, and he really, in a way, even enjoys it. It's like, it's his joy, it's his pleasure, it's his - that's his life, you know.

He comes here to just completely take us beyond, to make that bridge, that impossible bridge from something completely finite to that infinity, like he was talking about. And that bridge is impossible, for us, at least. It's impossible, because like he was saying,

we don't even know what's finite, so how could we ever even start comprehending what's ininity? And only he, only the Lord himself, only Maharaj Ji himself, can come and somehow, by his infinite mercy, can take us beyond all this crazy ocean of maya, and just take us into that land of Guru Maharaj Ji, into that beautiful, beautiful, beautiful land where the only thing that exists is that Love, is Guru Maharaj Ji himself, is Maharaj playing with us.

And really, Holi is, to me, such a beautiful, beautiful excuse, for Maharaj Ji to come and to play with us! Because it's just incredible when he does that, when he comes and he plays with his premies, with his devotees, when we can see how he's standing up there moving the gun and going - I mean, he really got into it! And everybody completely just --- we all got so completely blissed out.

I remember when we watched those


"He's the only
Lover we have and
the only Lover we
ever want. He's
got what we really
need.
"
- Claudia

films in Rome. I think there's a scene of Holi with Shri Maharaj Ji in it, and it's just so beautiful and there it was. Maharaj Ji doing the same thing. But so much more incredible for us because we are there, we are with him, it's happening! It's happening right now! And we're allowed to participate. We are part of that. We are part of that incredible, incredibly beautiful family.

And we look at the world, and it's like looking at those Academy Awards. And it was really something. Some people came up, and I remember this one guy came up I don't know who he was, a director or something. And he got an award and it was like, "Oh! This is the most incredible moment of my life!" And I just felt, "Wow! Just look at that! I mean, really!" And he really meant it! He had tears in his eyes and for him, that was the most incredible moment in his life!

And what Maharaj Ji has done for us, what Maharaj Ji has done for me is like - how can I even start to speak his glory? How can I ever, ever start to thank Maharaj Ji?

Because, really, I just look at myself and I've lived with myself for, what is it now, 28 years? And I know myself pretty well and it's just like, how can Maharaj Ji even put up with me? How can he put up with any of us? With all our craziness and all our little trips still happening, and -- I mean, it's just amazing. And all he sees in us is just that beautiful thing, that thing which we really, really are. Not that thing we think we are, but that thing that we really are: That's what Maharaj Ji sees. And that's what he pulls out of us. Only Maharaj Ji, only Maharaj Ji can do that.

And in return, what is there we can do? What is there we can do? And I was reading Elan Vital the other day, and Maharaj Ji - again that same question. How can we ever thank you, Maharaj Ji? And he was saying, "Just try to give devotion." That's so beautiful. Because that is just the most incredible experience when he allows us to just come, somehow, to that place, where we really feel that connection so strongly. Where it's like, "Yeah, Maharaj Ji, I'm yours, and that's all I want because you arc just it!" And it's like everything is just manifesting from there. Everything just comes together from there. Our whole life is just completely smoothed out. You know, that ocean is just becoming like a mirror, and it's so easy.

But somehow we have to have that determination. We just have to keep going, keep going. And, there are times where maybe that experience is not the

26 Divine Times

Prem Rawat aka Guru Maharaj Ji way we picture. We have our own little concepts of how we feel Knowledge should manifest for us, how meditation should be, what experience we should have through service or through satsang. But we have to go beyond all that, and just completely give up.

The other night Maharaj Ji was talking about initiators and somehow he had been joking on and off with me, "Would you like to become an initiator?" And I really started, after the second time he joked about it, I really started like thinking about it. And it was like. "Okay, I'm married to Raja Ji and I've got Navi but if Maharaj Ji would want me to become an initiator, 'Maharaj that would he just really beautiful.' "

And so the other night he started talking about this. And I had been teasing Raja Ji and I said, "Oh, if you're not nice to me. I'm going to become an initiator!" And so Maharaj Ji was just telling me, "No way, Claudia, that you can become an initiator." And it was just like, "Oh." But it was so beautiful because I realized that moment and I even said very quietly, "Oh, Maharaj Ji, really, I don't want to become anything. You know. I just want to un-become."

And isn't that really what we all want? It's just like, we want to un-become. We don't want to become something. Because that's just this whole crazy idea, this whole crazy concept they laid on us. I guess, from the day we were born! "What do you want to become?" What do you want to do? What are you going to do with your life? What are you going to make out of your life?" I remember my father always asked me this question: "Are you going to become a telephone operator? You're sitting on the telephone three hours a day!" And all the time it was this thing: "What am I going to become?"

And then, we come to Maharaj Ji and it's so beautiful because that question completely dissolves right there and then. Because, we can't become a devotee.

There is no way. Because we don't know how to do that. We can't become anything. We can't become a premie. It's just completely his Grace. We've just got to let go. And the more we let go, the more it happens. And it's such a beautiful, beautiful interaction. What else could we ask for? It's just so incredible.

And these festivals become more and more beautiful: more and more incredible. And it's just because maybe, by his infinite mercy, we let go a little hit. and then he gives us a little bit more. And it's going to be more and more and more, because he's got an infinite amount! And it's not even like an amount because it's infinite. And I know that if we just let go more, then it's going to be so much more beautiful the next time, and so much more beautiful the next time. And wow! I mean, that place that Maharaj Ji's in

we have no idea.

Like last night after the program, he was just saying one thing. He said, "You know, something really funny happened to me. I looked at my watch and I had started like on a full hour." I guess it was nine or something, I forget. And then when he looked hack on the watch it was five past the hour. And so he said, "You know, I really didn't know: Had I been giving satsang for an hour and five minutes, or had I been giving satsang for five minutes?" And it was just like, wow! Later, when Maharaj Ji had gone upstairs, and Joan and I were just talking, we were saying, "Just imagine. I mean, how can we imagine in what a place Maharaj Ji is? It's just completely outrageous. I mean, it's beyond time, it's beyond any, any, anything."

We try to limit ourselves. We try to limit this life. What can we do except just be completely in love and really realize that he's the only Lover we have and the only Lover we ever want? Because he's got what we really want. He's got what we really need. What Grace, for us to come together and to experience him, to experience his satsang!

And really, that's all I wanted to say. Thank you so much. I'm really so grateful that Guru Maharaj Ji gives us these opportunities. Because when I just have such a beautiful experience of him, then it's just like, "Maharaj Ji, what can I say? How can I express it? How can I thank you? How can I do anything? Anything?"

That's what he gives us satsang, service, and meditation for, so we can just channel that Love hack to him, so we can just completely give ourselves and show him, "Yeah, Maharaj .i, that's really what I'm feeling. That's really - you know - I love you. I just love you."

April / May 1978    27