Durga Ji's satsang, Orlando,
Saturday llth October, 1978 **** should read November ****

Please Break My Heart

Pranam Guru Maharaj Ji!

Pranam to your beautiful Lotus Feet.

You know, I feel such incredible Grace to be here right now. I feel like I would explode if my Guru Maharaj Ji didn't give me this beautiful Grace, this opportunity to tell him that I love him; tell him -- can't even say 'tell him', just somehow try to express in the smallest, smallest way what he has done for me; what he is doing for me; and what I know he will do for me. Over and over we all come up here and say: how can we sing the praises of Guru Maharaj Ji? And yet … we must. We must. Just like this breath that comes into us, we must let it go back, we must give it hack. Guru Maharaj Ji was giving satsang to the initiators and he said "No one ever refuses to accept the breath that I give". We don't even think about it. We accept it very readily. And we also give it readily. It's just such a subtle thing that it slips our minds completely. And we go off and we do all these things.

And I know that all of us, if we really connect to Guru Maharaj Ji, experience such a beautiful thing. Although we experience it individually we experience it simultaneously -- really a flow that happens. And when everyone is experiencing Guru Maharaj Ji's kindness we all experience that kindness, if we're really trying to be plugged in to Guru Maharaj Ji. And when we experience his mercy we all, ah, Guru Maharaj Ji's mercy, that's just what I'm experiencing. Or now, it seems like we're experiencing the need to have faith in Guru Maharaj Ji. I know my faith is so small and yet I feel like, Maharaj Ji please, somehow, I know you can, because you can do everything. Please let me know it, please let me believe it, please let me have faith in that.

Because you can you can do anything, you are doing everything. Why do I have such little faith? Why do I keep wanting to do things my own way? And they never turn out right -- never turn out right, you know. So many of us, maybe we're spaced out for so long, and maybe we don't even know we're spaced out, and then we come back -- and Maharaj Ji is always there with his arms open. I've seen a lot of premies that you might say have been spaced out, but does Maharaj Ji say "Nope" or "Forget it. I gave you this knowledge, I entrusted you with it. You didn't practice it. You didn't have faith in me. So get lost". Because that's what we do. That's what this mind does all the time. Look how many divorces there are. OK. I take you till death do us part. I take you for as long as we both shall live. And you better he true to me, you better be faithful to me. And then something happens we just don't like and it's OK mister out you go or OK lady I don't want you any more. I trusted you and you let me down. I don't want you any more. I don't ever want to sec you again. But I see how Guru Maharaj Ji just … waits, you know?

I just happened to be mentioning something to Guru Maharaj Ji about this premie the other day. This premie had a situation he wasn't very happy with and he wanted to know what he should do. He was going through several people to get to me to ask Maharaj Ji to give direction. And I had an

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incredible experience by approaching Guru Maharaj Ji, because in my heart I felt, no, this isn't my place to approach Guru Maharaj Ji and relate this premie's experience and how all these hard things were coming down on him and what should he do. For two days I didn't say anything and then just in such a weird time, Oh yes, Maharaj Ji, by the way, there's this premie, and I related the whole story. And I knew right as I was saying it that it wasn't what I should be doing. And Maharaj Ji turned to me and he said, "Listen! Don't tell me this. Don't tell me these stories. What am I going to do? Because I told that premie I gave him so much satsang. I give him direction in his life. And he even wanted to be an initiator maybe. He really wanted to dedicate his life. And then he left. He said, forget it. I want to do my thing. And now, when things aren't working out, because he didn't follow Maharaj Ji's direction, now it's, "Maharaj Ji, what should I do? Should I do this or should I do this?" And Maharaj Ji said, "You know, that's not my affair. How can I tell this premie anything now? He's already made that choice".

Maharaj Ji is not saying you can't ever come to him, he's just saying that those words won't even be listened to. And if Guru Maharaj Ji did give his direction, did give his agya what difference would it make, the premie might not even follow it. But isn't that the case with all of us? Oh Maharaj Ji, help me, help me, help me --

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I'll do anything you say. Please just give me direction and get me out of this mess. And then Maharaj Ji lets us know what we should do. And then when things are going good it's more like, oh yeah, but I really want to do this thing, and that mind comes in and completely justifies why we should do it. But to me it's coming down to the point where -- why don't we have that faith in Guru Maharaj Ji? Because that mind is such a doubter. That mind is always going to doubt Guru Maharaj Ji. That thing in me that is mind always doubts Guru Maharaj Ji, no matter what he's saying. And it's so painful. It is so painful. Because when, by His Grace, I do experience that faith, that most beautiful treasure of faith, it's so beautiful.

Dangerous doubt

And I think we probably all have, at some moment, experienced that faith in Guru Maharaj Ji. And it's so beautiful. You know: not my timing, Guru Maharaj Ji, your timing. Because when it's my timing it doesn't work out, it's all wrong and then what good is it anyway. We blew it. But if we can just have that patience and just remember Holy Name and just: please Guru Maharaj Ji, let me have faith in you. Let that tiny seed that I have grow, and grow and grow and grow until there is no more doubt, until all it is is faith in you. Because when Guru Maharaj Ji comes before us and speaks, that's what I experience. He has complete faith in Guru Maharaj Ji. He completely trusts Guru Maharaj Ji. Complete faith. Never, never could he possibly doubt Guru Maharaj Ji, And that faith is the key. So much sat- sang has been given about it. But this is what we're coming to: coming to that point in this path 'of Knowledge where it's really coming down to the nitty-gritty.

We all know that all mind can do is doubt. And I know I had an experience once, and I don't know if it was a dream -- I just saw this incredible thing, and I'll try to relate it. But it kind of, to me, shows what that mind is, and then, what that faith is. If you can picture how it was for me, it was like the moon. It was just this big white ball, this big moon, and there was nothing there but a guillotine, just this big hatchet, this big sword that would go swichew! … and that would be it. I saw this form, this body, with its head stuck through the guillotine. It was myself, and yet I was outside of it too. I Ivas there and yet I was away from it in the same form. I was scared to death: my head was right on the line. That sword could drop and that would be the end of me. And then this voice said: turn around, and walk away. Walk away and don't look back. Don't look hack. Whatever you do, keep walking away, just walk away from this whole thing, and leave. And in that kind of a situation what are we faced with, what can we do, just sit there and look at it? No! We have to turn around and just walk away. And so here I was, turning around and walking away. And all of a sudden I heard a little voice say. And it was doubt. It was doubt going: w-w-what is happening? What's happening? And it kind of changed from me to my baby, my child, I wonder if something is going to happen. 0 dear! I better check it out. I better turn around and look -- is it still safe? Is it still OK? My direction was to keep going and don't look back. And yet that doubt just started growing and growing and growing until it manifested in such a way that I turned -- and it was so incredible. Because that very act of turning my head - as I turned, everything happened in slow motion. And that guillotine was connected to my head and as long I walked straight ahead it was perfectly safe, as long as I kept going it was safe. But as soon as I turned to look it went ".. KA!" And it was such an experience for me. Because that's it, isn't it? That very doubt, that mind that comes in and says wait a minute, what's happening? If that faith is there, it's OK. And if that doubt comes in -- that's it. And for me I see it as a gift

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from Guru Maharaj Ji to see how dangerous this mind is. Because it really didn't happen to me, it was something that I experienced in another realm. And yet this mind is so dangerous. We don't know, we don't have any idea. I think only Guru Maharaj Ji knows. Only Guru Maharaj knows how dangerous this mind is. And Guru Maharaj Ji, a long time ago when I first received Knowledge was saying "If my child is walking into a fire what kind of a father am I that I will let my child walk into the fire? No! I must come and save him."

The fire in malibu

We've heard so much about this fire in Malibu, and for me it was a very incredible experience. Very incredible. Because that mind is like fire. That fire was so ferocious, it was a monster. And I took it so lightly. Oh listen, this has happened so many times. It happened when we were in Rome, the premier called, there's a fire, get the cars, get this out. It was like 'wolf, wolf, wolf!' And again when we were in London this time. Oh the fire and the helicopters coming and the residence was saved. And here it was. We walked outside, smoke, and then all of a sudden, oh but it won't come this far. But the winds were really blowing. And my attitude was it's Ok, it's cool. And Maharaj Ji said, I think we better go. And there was just something in his voice. And we heard on the news that it was probably going to burn to the coast. And I just felt it was a different feeling this time. And Maharaj Ji called me and he said, "Look" And I looked out the window and there was this huge red thing coming over the mountain! And that wind was blowing so directly to the residence. And it wasn't messing around any more. That fire was destroying anything and everything that came in its way. Nothing was saved. Rabbits were caught in mid-run birds, everything was just fried and it didn't matter. That fire was hungry and it was eating its way until it came to the water. And that's the way this mind is. And the thing is -- that fire hurts. I'm sure probably almost every one of us has been burned by fire, and it hurts so bad. I know for me I've just been burnt a little bit, but enough to show me that I don't want to get in fire.

That Grace protects us

And for me, I've been burned by mind, but maybe just a little hit. I don't want to lie consumed by that mind. And that mind is so much worse that fire. I know that. I don't know how I know that but I know that that fire was just a physical thing on this earth. But what is mind? We don't know. But the Lord Himself comes, not to take us from a physical fire that's burning trees. He comes to take us from mind, because it's so much worse. But we go, it's OK. I've played around with it before. It's OK. I haven't been burned bad. But we don't know the potential of this fire; this mind. And yet Guru Maharaj Ji's mercy, Guru Maharaj Ji's Grace, is so above, so high above. You can talk about mind but then you just have to let it go and sing the praises of Guru Maharaj Ji. Because that morning, that very morning Guru Maharaj Ji said, "I really want this birthday, your birthday to be special." And I just looked at him because I knew it was going to be so special. I knew it was. And the fire was on Monday. And the birthday was on Wednesday. And so much happened in between.

But when we walked back after that whole experience and that divine residence was still standing there, … Maharaj Ji, couldn't ask for anything else on a physical level of a birthday present because your home, my home, our home, is still standing by your Grace. By your Grace alone. Because that fire wanted to eat it. I know that. But that Grace, and only that Grace, protected. And just as that Grace protected that Malibu residence, that Grace protects us. As I walked around that residence I looked at things I never saw before. I never cherished. And I really loved them. In a

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way, you know, not of attachment to the, but looking at the altar and seeing that no, never, that fire could never touch that altar; could never touch my Guru Maharaj Ji's crown that is sitting there. And Shri Maharaj Ji's picture. And all the pictures in the residence, and all the things the premies have made from love, for Guru Maharaj Ji. It couldn't touch it. That fire could eat anything, and it could destroy everything, but that Grace protected it. Such a beautiful experience. And yet It's just a reflection of what is really taking place; of what is really happening.

Maharaj Ji never loses it

Like I was saying, Guru Maharaj Ji said, "What kind of a father would let his children burn?" And I feel I'm just starting to see, just beginning to see what a father Guru Maharaj Ji is, in his physical form, in his … beautiful form, what kind of a father he is. I see the way -- I don't even see the way he takes care of me. Sometimes I just lose it completely. But I can see the way he takes care of Hansi, I can see the way he loves Wadi, I can see the way he just completely loves Daya. And Navi. He's such a beautiful father. There's no father in this world that can compare.

My mother and my father came up, my sister and her husband and her daughter, and we were all visiting. My mother really loves Hansi and Wadi and Daya. That's the only thing she can really relate to. And she likes to talk about them. And she was saying well what's Hansi like and I was saying, Oh, man, I can't even describe him to you. He's so beautiful. He's so determined. And he wants things his way. And he wants to do it the way he wants to do it. And I feel I was trying to present it in a way of satsang so she could understand. And I was saying, I just try to surrender to his wish. And that really short-circuited. What? You let him control you? And she started to laugh, like, you can't even control your own child. But I don't want to control him; I want to be able to just flow with him, because he's so pure and so simple And she says, well what does Maharaj Ji do? Does he give in to him too? And I said, always! And it was beautiful because instead of laughing she just went (makes a face). And it was beautiful because I think she understood something. What? He does? And I said, I try, but I don't always make it. I start getting upset; Now wait a minute I lansi. All right now look, this is ridiculous, you're getting … argh! .. and I get really affected. Please Maharaj Ji help me I'm really losing it. But Maharaj Ji never loses it. He's just so beautiful. He gives him anything he wants. And sometimes he'll even give him something that maybe … I mean he doesn't give him something dangerous, like a knife. But he might give him a really sharp toothpick. But he'll stand right there and he'll watch him. And he won't let him get hurt. And isn't that the way with us? We want so much. And Guru Maharaj Ji gives it to us, with so much love. And maybe it's something we can even hurt ourselves on, but still by His Grace, he protects us.

Mind: A ruthless robber

But what he is waiting for, I feel, is that we have to come to the point of realizing that's not really what we want. We don't want a toothpick. That's not what we're going to spend our whole time on -- I want that toothpick, I want a new coat, I want a pair of boots, I want a new dress, I want this, I need that, and we go on and on and on. This mind will try to get you any way it can. I know it tries to get me. It knows exactly my weak spots. It knows how to come in. It really knows how to come in so subtly that you don't even know it came in until it's sitting right there. And it's painful. Like, you really need this kind of a dress. You don't have this kind of a dress. And it's so ridiculous because Guru Maharaj Ji's given me everything. I don't need anything. I don't need anything. And yet I can sit

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there, yes I really need this and how come I don't have this? And as John Hampton was saying, first it comes in as 'you', but then it comes in as 'me' -- I really need this and I really want this. And for me, it's clothes. As ridiculous as it may sound, it is. You know I reached the point in England where, I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to do this, and this mind was really heavy. And I came down and I said, "Well I just wish I could get somebody to go shopping for me, because it's just so hard for me to go into town". And Maharaj Ji said, 'Well maybe Joan Apter can.' And I said, "No! I don't like her taste." And he said, 'Joan has good taste.' "Yes, she looks good in the things she wears, but she couldn't pick out the right things for me." And then He just so humbly, so beautifully, said, "Well, I will.' And at that moment I should have fallen flat on my face at his feet, and trusted him and had faith in him. But no, I said, "Oh Maharaj Ji, don't be ridiculous. It's worse for you to go into town than it is for me". Like that. Instead of: Maharaj Ji, you're giving me everything. Why can't I see that? Do I really believe that I'm providing myself with anything? Do I really believe that this person makes me a dress and they're giving it to me? It's you … He's giving us everything. And yet we think, you know, that mind comes in and thinks it's doing -everything. I had a beautiful experience of please Maharaj Ji, don't let me desire clothes. That's nothing. Don't let me desire anything. Please … I know you're taking care of me and you will provide for me. And it was so beautiful because SO MUCH HAS COME. All these clothes started pouring in. Just so beautiful. And yet that's not what I want. It's like Hansi and the toothpick. Is that what I want in this world? Maybe for you it's something else. Maharaj Ji will give me what I need. But when does that mind sneak in? When does it come in? It's always there, yet, it's not like we completely get rid of the mind and then it slowly slips in, you know -- we have so much to let go of, so much to dedicate to Guru Maharaj Ji. But that mind can come in such a way, so subtle, like: let me, entertain you.

This is what, I experience. It sounds like a ridiculous example, but to me it's kind of like that, you know. (Sings: "Let me, enterain you") That stripper, you know. And first I'll just show you my hand and there's nothing wrong with taking off a glove, it's very innocent. And at that point, haven't we learned, no, I don't want to see this, I don't want to he entertained by you. I want Holy Name, I need Guru Maharaj J But at that point we can: pranam, Guru Maharaj Ji, help me, I'm being … seduced. But no, we go, well there's nothing wrong with that. And it's the next glove, nothing wrong with that. But before you know it we're just like … and then the whole show's over and it's Oh God, I'm sick. I did it again. Oh Maharaj Ji I never want this to happen. Please. Oh this mind I hate it. It makes me so sick. And it's true. But then why do we still keep loving it? Why do we let it keep taking us away? Because isn't Maharaj Ji there, all the time? Hansi comes up to me, it's so beautiful, he's just so beautiful, he comes up and he goes; "What's happening?" And I can say well, da-tidatida, the TV's on. But it's so beautiful because what's happening? What is that thing that is happening right now? What is that vibration that is so pure? What is that love that is so beautiful that's happening right now? And Hansi comes up and says "What's happening?" I just feel like saying Oh Hansi, Holy Name is happening. Sustaining us. Keeping us alive. Guru Maharaj Ji's happening. He's the only thing that's happening, that's really happening. Everything else is just popping up and going down, popping up and going down. We see a tree. But if you could speed up this movie of this world of this illusion in really fast motion, and everybody could stand back and watch we'd watch a baby born, live and die: grow up, become an old man in a matter of five seconds. A seed open, Hower, grow into a tree, wilt

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and die, in one minute. And we see this whole creation create, sustain, destroy. So fast if we could see it. But there is one thing that is always happening, that is constant. And you know our life, if we could speed up our whole life we could see ourself being horn, go through our childhood, our adolescence, our youth, our mature age, our old age, and then die. But what's happening? What's making all this that has a beginning, and has an end, what's making all that happen? This is what we have to know. This is where we have to really he in tune. That thing that is forever. That thing that is always, that infinity. Guru Maharaj Ji. My Guru Maharaj Ji is within my heart. And my Guru Maharaj Ji has taken a form to save me. And each one of us, this is the marvel, this is the marvel for each one of us it's like that. Guru Maharaj Ji is perfect for each one of us. Guru Maharaj Ji has come for each one of us. Guru Maharaj Ji is Lord for each one of us. Because Guru Maharaj Ji is within inside each one of us.

Dear lovers!

I feel like Guru Maharaj Ji is giving us such an incredible feast, of satsang, of service, of meditation, of his darshan --- of himself. And he gives us so much. If it were food, how much is he offering to us? He's laying this banquet table so miraculously, so perfectly, so full. But what about Guru Maharaj Ji? He's here too. Doesn't he want to partake? And he's saying, "I need you. You're mine. I'm yours and you're mine. I need you. You're what I want. I want your love. I'm hungry for your love. I'm hungry for your devotion." And sometimes it's so heavy. It's so beaut-

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iful and yet it's just like: Maharaj Ji, how we starve you. It's like we put Guru Maharaj Ji on a starvation diet. We give so little back. But yet he still is here. He doesn't give up and say, "Forget it. I'm too hungry and you're not giving me what I want." He still is here for us. By his Grace he's still here for us. These days he still says, "I still want you, I still need you, please: give me your love." And not like give me your love and you won't get anything back; but you get everything. Give me your love and I'll give you peace. Give me your love and I'll give you peace. Give me your love and I'll give you myself. I am the source of peace in this world. What more can our ears hear? What more could we ask for? For every human being in this world, Guru Maharaj Ji is. But we, right now, all of us who are hearing this satsang, who have come together, who have come to see Guru Maharaj Ji, to hear his satsang, to have his darshan, we are his lovers. Right now. However many of us there are, we are his lovers. When he says Dear Premies, we can't take that lightly. Because what's he saying? Dear lovers! He's calling us lovers! And in our hearts can we really say Oh yes Guru Maharaj Ji, I'm such a good lover to you. No. We can't. None of us. Not any of us. And yet, he still has faith in us. And because he has faith in us, then that's the thing that's going to do it. I know that. Because he's planted something within us that is perfect, that is himself. He has revealed it to us, he is showing us the way to let it manifest, so that we can really become … his lover. So that we can really make love in our heart with Guru Maharaj Ji.

In His dream

Because Guru Maharaj Ji is making love within our heart all the time. He is always making love within us. He is love. He is making love in this world. He is the only source of love. And so if he is making love within inside of us, that's where we go

within to make love with him. Such a pure love. How gifted we are to have this body, so that we have that place within inside of us that is our heart, our true heart, where that love is being made. This is the source of our breath, so that we can be here with Guru Maharaj Ji, so that we can experience him. Because there is nothing else in this world to experience. Oh yes, there are a lot of things that we can experience, but really, it's not the true experience. It's not true, it's false, it's fake, it's a lie, it's an illusion. It's not real. And this is what we have to face and it's so beautiful to lace that really because that illusion hurts us, that illusion, that lie, that fake, it just hurts us and hurts us and so it's so good to know it's not real, it's not true. That thing which is true is so beautiful. And it will always he beautiful. It will always be true. I feel sometimes like this is Guru Maharaj Ji's dream. It's his dream. I'm his dream you're his dream we're his dream. He's dreaming us. But something within us is real. It doesn't fade away. And while we have this body, for however we have it, it's our chance, our most precious beautiful chance -- to know him, to love him, to experience him, to serve him. To adore his face. To worship his feet. To the world maybe what I'm saying sounds completely cuckoo you know. But for me, it's so beautiful. What can I say to Guru Maharaj Ji? Maharaj Ji, thank you for everything. I didn't make myself here. I didn't make myself come out of my mother's womb. I had nothing to do with it. And really, our parents had very little to do with it. They just, kind of witnessed this whole thing, this miracle of life happening, that each one of us come. Do we thank our parents for our birth? No. If anything, before Knowledge, people may curse their parents. Ooooooo, because of you I'm here. I didn't ask to he born. Because it's painful being in this world without this Knowledge, without knowing the aim of it. But pennies, I led like, now that we know … OK. Like everyone says, maybe we have a choice,

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but really, we don't have a choice.

You are the answer

Sometimes premies say this path is painful. But to me the only thing that's painful is mind. And like Maharaj Ji said in his sat- sang a long time ago, mind uses this ego to cause pain, pain, hurt, hurt, hurt. That's what causes us the pain. Because last night I had such a beautiful, most beautiful experience of Guru Maharaj Ji's Lotus Feet. I was just so graced to be able to give a little massage to Guru Maharaj Ji's Lotus Feet. Sometimes we say, Oh, Guru Maharaj Ji it's so painful, the love I feel for you, but man I tell you, that's not the word for me, it's not painful, it's beautiful. It's love. Love is so beautiful. Maybe we use the word painful, but I can't even use it because for me mind is painful. That's a different experience. That's pain. But to be, our heart, so open, that it's breaking, you can't say that's painful; it's just, it's love. That's real love, premies, you know. That's love. When I was having these babies come through my body, I couldn't say that was pain. Yes it was pain when I burned my hand, it was pain when I cut myself, it's pain when I stub my toe -- it was so intense, but it's not really pain, it's love. Love in a physical way, but so intense I felt like my body was breaking open. But to say it's pain is really the wrong word. And when Daya came or when Premlata came out, or when Hansi came out, all that buildup of coming through, it's so incredible. It's the most intense feeling I think a body can have and still remain alive. And yet it's so incredible, because of the love that happens after a baby is born. What a miracle. What a beautiful thing. And in the same way, that's the way our heart is. We feel it, it gets so intense, but do we say, Guru Maharaj Ji, don't give me this experience, it's too painful? No. This is what we want. This is what we long for. Because it's real, it's true. And I remember, last night, I started weeping and crying, Oh, Maharaj Ji, this is what I live for. This is the experience I live for. My heart just breaks with your love. Please break my heart. And yet, I feel, if this is what we really want, if this is what we really long for, this is what Guru Maharaj Ji has to offer. All I can say is, all we can do is pray, please Guru Maharaj Ji, don't let me stray away. You are the answer. You are everything my heart is beating for. Just like the song that we sing.

We're not angles

I've been wanting to give satsang, because for me it's such an incredible experience. Maharaj Ji gives such a beautiful experience. And then my mind tries to come in and just rob me of that experience. But we can't let that happen. We have the way now not to let that mind come in and rob us. That mind comes in and says, Oh, when are you going to give satsang? When are you going to give satsang? And it's like, don't touch me! Guru Maharaj Ji … that's where faith comes in. Not, when am I going to give satsang, I want to give sat- sang now, or this day. Or whatever this thing is that tries to take us away. And I'm not strong at all. All I can feel is, please, Guru Maharaj Ji, your timing is perfect. You know the right time for everything that I do. Please let me be surrendered to be in time with you, so that I'm not desiring -- I want to give satsang now. What good would it do me? Maharaj Ji will let me know. But what good would it do me if I say I want to give satsang now and I get up here and nothing comes out? Because then mind is sitting there. What kind of an experience can any of us have? I can't have any experience and you can't have an experience. But this is something that is happening day by day, minute by minute. And that's where that real, real, real faith comes in. Not the way I want to do it, Guru Maharaj Ji, please. I don't know. Please, let me be open to the way that you want it. You know. You know perfectly.

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And it's so beautiful to experience that perfectness happening.

You know, I'll tell you something. I'll tell you something really beautiful, by Guru Maharaj Ji's Grace, and I hope that all of us can understand something by this. All of us at the residence really suffer from a lot of mind. And sometimes we know we're suffering from it, and sometimes we don't. Or maybe we do but it's just like, I have to be doing this now. It's for Guru Maharaj Ji. It's OK. It's cool. I can't meditate right now -- whatever. And I'm sure we all go through this because we're all in the same boat. But sometimes things get really spaced out in Guru Maharaj Ji's own residence. And it's very painful when it really starts manifesting; when things are so obvious. Because maybe it started out with a beautiful program, everybody's together, everybody's really in a beautiful place, making effort, really trying to rededicate our life. And then slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly we just kind of get further and further away. And then these really cra/y things start happening. In Maharaj Ji's own home. Really very unconscious things. Maybe to the world, the world think, those people are angels, they don't do anything. But we know. We know. We're not angels. We know the standard that Guru Maharaj Ji sets. And we can't fool ourselves any more, looking at the world and saying, well they drink and they smoke and go to bars and they fight and they have wars. Look at me. I don't do any of that, I try to get to satsang and I try to do service and I do my little meditation. Look at me compared to them. I'm really doing good. But we can't do that. I don't really know what happens, but we kind of get more out there and more out there and then these things start happening, and Guru Maharaj Ji gets very displeased and he'll say, "Gee, what are these premies doing?" And he'll come to me and say, "What are these premies doing?" And I know, at least I feel, that I'm there too. I can't excuse myself. And so it's very very painful. And maybe it's not even painful to me sometimes. Oh yes, they are spaced out. And then sometimes, Oh man, we really are spaced out.

"That's their ticket!"

And so an incident happened where Guru Maharaj Ji was very displeased. And he was speaking to me, saying, "I had so much faith, I had so much faith in that premie. It doesn't do any good to have any faith." And I know he didn't really mean it like that, but what he was saying to me was, Ile puts so much faith in us but when it comes hack by our actions and he gives us so much, you'd never know it by the things we do. And so we all get together and we think, well we have to have satsang, and some premies really get affected. And they're just crying: I'm so hopeless. Oh Guru Maharaj Ji why don't you just kick me to the other side of the universe. I know I'm the source of your pain. And to other premies it's, not me. I'm doing OK. Look at him. He's crying or she's crying, must be them. And the thing is, Maharaj Ji says, you know you can have satsang with everyone here, but those premies who need to hear that satsang and take it in their hearts the most are the ones that are going to say it's not for me. But it's the premies who're really maybe trying to make an effort that it's really going to hit the hardest. And I said this to Maharaj Ji. I said, 'Maharaj Ji, there are a few premies that are really experiencing so much sorrow that you have to be upset in your own home.' And he just said, "That's their ticket." That's their ticket. It's just taking that to heart. That, Oh, Guru Maharaj J just the slightest thing, if it causes you pain … and I don't think any of us are at that. I don't think any of us are really there. Because it takes such a big thing and then we all go, Oh, Maharaj Ji, I feel so had. But what about the slightest thing, we couldn't care less. And in scriptures it says even the slightest forgetfulness of your Holy Name should cause extreme pain in my heart that

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I would forget you for a minute. But we don't experience that at all. We forget Maharaj Ji all the time. And we don't experience any pain by it.

Perfect for each of us

So you know, we do have a long way to go. Guru Maharaj Ji is the perfect teacher. Everything Guru Maharaj Ji does, he does it perfectly for each one of us. I know because most of us are from west and we have no idea what 'Guru' means. I really don't. Except I can look at Guru Maharaj Ji and see, when I'm really in that most beautiful place within my heart that, yes, you are perfect. You're doing everything perfectly for me. And yet I can see that Claudia is experiencing the same thing and Judy is experiencing the same thing and that Raja Ji is experiencing the same thing and Mahatma Sampuranand is experiencing the same thing. We can all be sitting in a circle and if we are all in that place we can see Guru Maharaj Ji perfectly. He can be doing one thing, one action, saying one thing, and it's just what I needed to hear. And I'll go hive satsang with Judy and she'll say, 'Oh, when Guru Maharaj Ji said that it was so perfect for me!' But when are we going to sec that everything that Guru Maharaj Ji says is perfect, perfect for me. Not for the guy sitting next to us. Not for the girl sitting on the side of us or whatever -- Oh, that was just for him, or, that was really good for my dad, or NO!

You know we really don't have to be afraid any more. Because Guru Maharaj Ji is here, and he is our father. Sometimes I really am afraid, you know? Of Guru Maharaj Ji! This mind comes in, I can't approach him … and then I just see how beautiful he is with Hansi and with Wadi. Wadi can do something and he'll come to kiss her, or hug her, or do something just perfect for her, and she'll just say, you're hugging me, leave me alone! But Maharaj Ji knows it's just perfect at that time to come to her. And one time I looked at her and I just experienced, God, he's not saying, because you're my daughter you have to receive Knowledge and I am your Guru and you are going to … he's even said that, he's leaving it open to her. And I can see that she can even push him away; push him away, and yet that love doesn't change. He loves her completely; fully.

What Guru Maharaj Ji will do

One time Michael Dettmers told me a really beautiful story. And sometimes when I'm feeling weak I remember this story, and it's so beautiful because I don't see Guru Maharaj Ji like that all the time. And remember he was saying last night how crazy this world is, in Beverly Hills, or out on Wilshire Blvd., or out in this world. And he'll go out. He doesn't really like to go out but he'll go out because Hansi will see something on TV … a toy; a space ship or a rocket. And he'll say, I want that right now. And Guru Maharaj Ji will go get dressed, and he'll go out in that crazy town. And Michael Dettmers was saying, he really experiences that sometimes Guru Maharaj Ji just has to come down, down, down, down, down out of such a pure place. Not that Guru Maharaj Ji leaves that place, but he has to go into so much Maya; so much craziness; bad vibrations, you know. And people know it's Guru Maharaj Ji. And so much comes at Guru Maharaj Ji: so much negative mind. And yet he'll still go into town to find that toy. And he'll go to one toy store, and they don't have it. And he'll drive around and go to another toy store, and they're out of it. And he'll go to another toy store, a department store, and they never heard of it. And he'll keep going. Until maybe the fifth store, then they've got it, and he'll get it. And Michael was saying, what about me? Would I do that for my Guru Maharaj Ji? If Maharaj Ji said, "Michael I want you to go out and find this", Michael might go to one place and if he didn't find it he might go to another place, but after the second or third time he'll go back, well, I

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just couldn't find it. It's just not there. And yet here's Guru Maharaj Ji going out into this world. For a toy. And he brings it back. And he gives it to Hansi. And Hansi might be so busy at that point playing with another toy that he just looks at it and tosses it aside. But it's not like Guru Maharaj Ji loves him any less. He loves him. He loves him completely, fully. Or maybe Hansi takes it and goes, Oooooo, wow! And he's so happy, but it's not that Guru Maharaj Ji loves him any more. Maharaj Ji's love is constant. It is. And that's the way it is for all of us. For each one of us. That's what kind of father we really have.

Shape up or ship out

I don't know what all of you experience with your physical fathers. I'm sure if you had one you've had a certain experience. I know with my father, by Guru Maharaj Ji's Grace, he's here, he's a premie. But when I was living in the house that he was the father of, it was, shape up or ship out. And that was it! And sometimes I hear that: shape up or ship out. Yes, I have to shape up! But Guru Maharaj Ji, does he ever say that to us? Listen premies, shape up or ship out? No! He says, shape up but please don't ship out. Please, please, whatever you do, don't ship out. Don't jump off. Please stay. Shape up, really shape up. Really dedicate. Really experience me. But don't ship out. Don't leave. Because if you do, you lose, you lose everything.

What a father to have. So why can't we put our complete faith in Guru Maharaj Ji? Why can't we put our trust in Guru Maharaj Ji? When I was young someone came to me, one of my friends, and they had a secret for me -- or maybe it was one of my brothers or my sister, I don't really remember, but I do remember that I was really excited. And it was: "Promise you won't tell, promise you won't tell." Oh I promise I won't tell. What, what, tell me. And after this big build up of yes, you have my faith, I won't tell, they turned to me and said, 'I don't trust you'. And I remember that hurt me so bad. It really hurt me. Because I was really sincere. I was saying: trust me, I promise. It was so ugly to me. And yet, now, I feel like here's Guru Maharaj Ji: he is the one who has the secret; he has the secret of all secrets, and he comes to us and he says, "I have something to show you. Are you sincere?" Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're sincere, show us, please, please tell us. "Promise you won't show anyone?" Yes, yes, yes, yes, show us. OK. And he trusts us. And he has faith in us. And he shows us. And then all he says is "OK, have faith in me". And I feel in our hearts we do; we do have that faith. But what we let manifest is that thing that turned around and looked at Guru Maharaj Ji and said, I don't trust you. After everything he's done he's saying, "Please have faith in me, let me direct your life. Moment by moment; breath by breath." And we say, I don't trust you, Maharaj Ji. I'm sorry, I just don't trust you. I don't have faith in you. But really, what's saying that? Once again, it's just that mind. And Maharaj Ji said, "If you're trying to convince your mind, forget it because you never will." So if that's the case, then it's just very obvious we just have to let it go; we have to drop that thing that will never see; that will never believe; that will never trust Guru Maharaj Ji. It will always doubt. And that is not us. That is not who we really are. That is not what Guru Maharaj Ji loves when he looks at us and he says, "I love you." I love you! Premies! Lovers! What is he speaking to? And if Guru Maharaj Ji says it's easy to let go then we have to have faith and trust and believe that yes, it is easy to let go. We have so many concepts, but they're nothing. We know that. And so when we feel that mind, when we feel that ego, when we feel that pain starting to happen, that's when we have to let go. Let go to Guru Maharaj Ji.

Thank you Guru Maharaj ji.

Bolie Shri Satguru Dev Maharaj Ki Jai!!

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