"Jasper's" Posts on Ex-Premie Forum - 2011

"Jasper" was a former devotee of Prem Rawat's who had long-term close exposure to Rawat and to a lesser extent his family. Of course, this closeness was that of a servant to his Lord and Master and judging from the posts he was mainly used as a chauffeur and earlier on to provide free work on Rawat's Malibu mansion. The posts provide both glimpses of Rawat himself and the trauma involved in leaving a cult after 30 years. "Jasper" is not an example of a "normal" follower of Rawat's. His dedication and intensity of practice appears unbalanced at best if not deranged at worst and his beliefs about Rawat's intentions and activities (in my opinion) are also extreme. Nevertheless his honesty and openness provide a real window into extreme cultic behaviour and beliefs. While "Jasper" maintains a public anonymity there are people who know him who vouch for his authenticity. If these posts weren't a true expression of an actual life they would be worth the highest creative literary accolades. Jasper's posts from other years are available at:

Some of the posts shed light on Rawat, the man off-stage

3rd January 2011 - Marolyn: Thoughts And Reflections

There is no doubt that in the beginning, Marolyn was a true believer. She seemed sincerely devoted to Rawat and was immersed in helping with his important "work" to save all of humanity. At the same time she appeared to be grateful and felt fortunate for the special position she held as the wife of the Perfect Master. She seemed to also carry an incredible internal burden of responsibility for her role, which was strangely tempered by a natural sense of true compassion for all of us.

On one memorable occasion over 25 years ago, I was standing in the front yard of the Malibu residence covered in dirt. I had been working hard for several days on a special project at her request, and she was quite pleased with the outcome. She was beautifully dressed and looked absolutely stunning. Without any hesitation she paused, turned towards me and looked me right in the eyes. Time seemed to stop while she expressed with absolute heartfelt sincerity how thankful she was for what I had done. Then she reached her arms around my shoulders and hugged me with a warm and caring, yet firm embrace. My filthy hands hung limply by my sides. I did not know how to react and like an idiot just kind of stood there mesmerized by her tender, loving kindness. But in that moment it didn't matter. And with great dignity she let me know the depth of her gratitude and the insignificance of the dirt.

When planning for the new residence was well underway in the 80's, Marolyn took me aside to show me a scale model of the project that the architects had built. She was extremely excited about the new house and as she pointed out all the features she just could not contain her enthusiasm. But she was careful to qualify her comments and made sure I understood it was all part of a necessary effort to provide what Rawat needed to be able to complete his work. She knew the house was lavishly extravagant, terribly expensive, and that it would be paid for by the hard earned donations and free work of premies. Although thrilled with the idea she seemed to struggle to justify the expense and the financial and physical burden it would place on the premies to build it. There was definitely a conflict brewing within her about the flagrant self indulgence and excessive cost of the project being driven without regard, by her husband and Master.

Once during the early years, I was at the residence when Rawat returned from an overseas trip. As his helicopter landed in the front yard, Marolyn and a couple of the kids came running out to greet Rawat, totally excited to see him. It was obvious that as his wife she had a genuine affection for Rawat, and in his role as the Master, she still carried a healthy respect. All of this was very reassuring to me. I figured that of all the people in the entire World, Marolyn his wife, got to see the real Rawat and what he was really like. If she actually lived with him, slept with him, and still adored and believed in him, then he had to be the real thing. But a couple of years after the new house was finished and the kids had grown up, I noticed a distinct change. Marolyn's world and her life seemed to slowly develop as a separate and distinct reality from that of Rawat's. She had her projects going on and her own staff premies to help her, and Rawat had his projects and his own personal staff to dote on him. Rawat spent most of his time either alone in his office or traveling without her.

During Rawat's travels, and only when Marolyn wasn't with him, Monica the mistress was always around, hiding in the shadows, ready and available at his beck and call. Sometimes I would see her getting on or off the plane, or other times she would fly separately on a commercial flight and meet up with him to rendezvous for a few days. Rawat tried to keep his relationship with Monica secret, but he just couldn't hide the fact that he was smuggling her in and out of his hotel room or the house where he was staying. She had no real reason to be hanging around or traveling with him and it was understood that nobody was supposed to ask why she was there. If it came up at all, the standard answer from those who knew the truth was, "don't worry about it; you don't need to know. He's God and he can do anything he wants. You're lucky to be here so just do your job and keep quiet." It became obvious from simple observation, both at the residence and on these trips, that the holy marriage was in deep trouble.

Marolyn's adoration for Rawat seemed to gradually erode and fade away, and any affection Rawat felt for her, was slowly replaced by an undertone of hostility. Just a few years ago, during one of the last times I drove them together, Rawat sat next to me up front and Marolyn sat alone in the back behind the drivers seat. The trip was going well until suddenly the heater got stuck and the cabin temperature became uncomfortably hot. As I panicked helpless to fix or adjust it, Marolyn who was dressed in warm clothes, started to complain about her rapidly increasing level of discomfort. Since we were only a few minutes from our destination, I had to make a tough choice. If I pulled over to try to adjust the heater control, it would delay the trip, interrupt our schedule, and create an over reaction from the back up security team that was following our every move. If I sped up to shorten the trip, Marolyn would have to continue to suffer until we reached our destination. I looked over at Rawat and he obviously understood the dilemma. He smiled and subtly indicated that I should continue the trip, and then kind of chuckled to himself about how uncomfortable Marolyn was becoming. Afterwards, as I gradually began to regain my composure, it really struck me how Rawat had reacted. He seemed to relish his wife's suffering and I've never forgotten the gleeful look on his face as she became increasingly more miserable.

By 2003, there seemed to be some kind of special arrangement going on between them. Rawat had bought the beach house, which was perched up on a cliff with a beautiful view of the ocean and only about two miles from the main residence. It was clearly being set up as a private retreat for Marolyn. In sharp contrast to his typical obsessive control and domination over any and every decision, Rawat had allowed her to fix it up however she wanted. Marolyn gave me a tour of the inside of the house, which she had decorated by herself in her own distinct style. She was careful to point out every piece of furniture and explain in great detail how she had acquired it, always followed by a detailed description of how little each item had cost. Some of these pieces had been hand made by premies as gifts and she went to extreme lengths to express who had made it and how grateful she was for their generosity and kindness.

The feeling I got was that this was her own special place and although she knew it was all paid for with premies money and hard work, she had been frugal in spending and had not wasted any of that money. She was also sincerely thankful for the gifts and donations and really appreciated each premie's personal effort. Telling me all of this seemed to relieve some of her guilt about how it had been acquired. Somehow she seemed to want me to understand that her way of doing things was different and in sharp contrast to Rawat's. While he would flagrantly waste premie's money with his extravagant spending habits, when left to make her own decisions, her style tended towards being more conservative and minimalist, while not compromising on quality.

Marolyn and I spent several days together at her beach house cleaning up and landscaping the yard, which had been neglected for years. She was one of the hardest workers I have ever met and always treated me with kindness and respect. Once when we broke for lunch she asked me to sit down at the patio dining table and relax while she made me one of the best tuna salad sandwiches I ever had. As the perfect hostess I found her to be, she served it to me with the utmost courtesy while she patiently stood by until I was finished. Then we went back out to work in the yard. She really enjoyed gardening and landscaping, and seemed to find great reward in creating natural beauty by planting and caring for flowers, shrubs, and trees.

The last few times I stayed at the Malibu guest house in 05' and 06', Marolyn had clearly been drinking heavily on a regular basis. This didn't appear to be an occasional event, like having a couple of drinks once in a while to let go a bit. From what I could see it had become much more serious than that. She stumbled by my quarters one night with her personal valet in tow. He was apparently helpless to stop her, but knowing that her intoxicated condition would be obvious, he tried desperately to contain and collect her, while simultaneously apologizing in an attempt to smooth over the incident. When I would see her late mornings or early afternoons, she just looked really rough and hung over and not the same vibrant person who I had known and worked with for years.

The very last time I drove her was in 07' for a short trip to the airport at about 10:00 one morning. Although beautifully dressed with meticulous but slightly over-applied makeup, she was unreasonably irritated, tense, and jittery. She sat alone in the back seat and chattered aimlessly to herself for 20 minutes about whether sour cream should be put on top of take out Mexican food, or delivered in a separate container. None of it made much sense but she was truly struggling to determine the best solution to this puzzling dilemma. It took all I had to safely and carefully drive the car while trying to sort out my own conflicted thoughts and emotions about what I was hearing. This was not the same Marolyn I had known for the past 3 decades. Her personality seemed to have sadly and dramatically changed.

In a lot of ways I feel sorry for Marolyn. She was truly one of the most compassionate, kind, and sincere people I have ever met. The sensitive and expressive Marolyn we all knew from her early satsangs was for real, and I feel certain that in the beginning she fully believed in Rawat just like the rest of us. But because of her unique position, out of all the premies, she seems to have been fooled the most. Gradually I watched her change over time, as she struggled to justify Rawat's excessive spending. Then she became consumed by guilt and resentment as he continued to brazenly take advantage of premie's through their donations of money or free work. She was also troubled by her own cooperative role in Rawat's scam, and while she may have rationalized it in the beginning, her active participation seemed at odds with her true nature. This had to become a source of almost unbearable internal turmoil.

She also knew about Rawat's ongoing affair with Monica and although I never heard her mention it, I think she was understandably torn up about it. At some point it seemed like she had seen all the way through to the real Rawat, and came to accept the fact he was just a fake, a con artist, a cheater, and a horribly flawed individual. After that, it almost seemed like they formed an arrangement where the marriage was kept in place but she was free to create her own separate life at the beach house. Her more recent appearances at Rawat's staged TPRF events seem falsely obligatory and orchestrated at best.

I just can't imagine how Rawat could have fooled his own wife like he did, and then, what it must have been like for Marolyn to face up to the realization that she had been fooled in such a horrendous fashion. At the same time, staying with Rawat after she understood the truth makes her somewhat of an accessory to his crimes. Even though Rawat has no conscience and feels no shame, Marolyn does have a very healthy conscience, and must feel all kinds of internal conflicts that have to be simply overwhelming. I don't blame her for drinking excessively after all she has been through, and hope she can pull out of it if she hasn't already. There is always the possibility that she'll find the courage to leave Rawat and move on, then try to make amends and come to terms with what happened like we all have had to do. That hasn't been easy for me to do, and its difficult to imagine how hard it would be for her with all the added complexities involving the kids and a very public divorce. She may find it easier at this point to just leave the situation as it stands. I guess we'll see what happens as the story continues to unfold. I wish her the best no matter what.

4th January 2011 - Crimes and misdemeaners

"At the same time, staying with Rawat after she understood the truth makes her somewhat of an accessory to his crimes."

Thanks Cynthia and I appreciate your comments. Right up to my 4th draft on this post I had included the words, "which is pretty unforgivable", at the end of the above sentence but decided to take it out. Then by the end of my post, after reliving all those events in my mind, (plus others I left out because the thing was too long already!) I really did try to grab hold of a sense of forgiveness.

But I guess my forgiveness is more for what happened to her by being duped by Rawat, on a purely emotional and psychological level, as we all were. As an accomplice to Rawat's destructive materialism, she's guilty. For proliferating the cult after she knew he was a total fake; guilty. For getting suckered in at the beginning like we all did; guilty of being gullible, which I find forgivable. I've struggled to even forgive myself for being such an idiot.

There was a lot I wanted to express in this post and as you can tell, I'm still really conflicted about it all. It helps to get this out there, and I still have a lot of mixed feelings about even telling these stories. Also, my hope is that some of these stories may hit a soft spot in premies who may read them. Hopefully they can feel the truth and sincerity of what I am saying, tempered by that forgiveness for being duped, that must be felt to release oneself from the bondage of the cult.

5th January 2011 - Antidote to Evil

Thanks Lakeshore. I appreciate your thoughtful analysis of my post. It really was an amazing experience to yank all those fragmented experiences out of my past and then try to make some sense out of the whole thing. It took the better part of 2 weeks digging through all the convoluted layers in my mind.

Even then it was all mucked up with anger, fear, betrayal, deception, greed, and all those qualities you spell out which describe Rawat's true nature. The insidious effect he has on those who are close to him is hidden from most premies. But over time, exposure to Rawat will literally contort the very soul of otherwise good people. Its hard to understand and even harder to come to terms with that. Such is the power of pure evil.

I think you're right about how important it is to hold on to honor, decency, and dignity as if those are the antidote to evil. Funny how Rawat tries to hide behind those same words in his messaging as if he knows those qualities are his victim's real self defense.

I love this last comment in your post copied below. It does seem that decency is what is needed to escape from Rawat's merciless grip. Its also what I saw in Marolyn in the beginning and tried to explain that underneath it all, she might just have a shred of decency left that could help her to still escape.

"Thank goodness you and other ex-premies had enough decency left buried beneath all the denial to fully restore your honor and dignity."

6th January 2011 - The absolute heart of the matter.

"nothing more than fuel for Prem Rawat's engine……"

Wow Lakeshore, I don't think it goes much deeper than how you laid bare what is at the core of everything that radiates out from Rawat's mere presence in the World. There are predators who arrive on the scene with no other motive than to use any and every opportunity they can find to fuel their own engine of self indulgence and consumption. Those 7 deadly sins are the symptoms of that self absorbed, compulsive need which miraculously aligns with the absence of conscience, and creates creatures like Rawat. Anyone and anything is mere fodder used to fuel their engines of destruction.

We are his victims, and I guess I can't help but think that Marolyn is too. If she never would have met him, I'm convinced the story of her life would have been absolutely delightful. Instead, she is a broken human being. All of this reminds me of the fable of the potter which ironically was told many times by Marolyn herself. I'm sure you remember how it goes, but here is the synopsis;

The potter (Rawat) takes the clay (us) and molds it into whatever shape he wants, then bakes it in the oven. It miraculously turns into a beautiful and useful piece of pottery.

Well, that's exactly what is happening. Only that piece of pottery is made for the exclusive use of Rawat himself. He grabs a nice piece of clay, whoever he can get his hands on, and goes to work. And guess what; in the process that clay becomes very rigid and brittle and loses its natural, flexible, innate living qualities that made it clay. And there was nothing wrong with the clay in the first place. It was just fine. In fact clay was much better being clay before he got his grimy hands on it. Its just that Rawat thought he could use that clay for his own benefit. And the oven; that would be "Maharaji's World" where he bakes our identity and the life right out of us, for the simple reason that those original, natural qualities, are just no longer needed.

Funny how that story is just perfect.

15th January 2011 - Welcome!

It took me a couple of years to connect the dots after I had a few personal experiences that caused me to question Rawat's supposed divinity. What really brought my well founded doubts into focus happened on a cruise ship. I sat on a ship for 4 days with nothing to do except listen to these conflicted thoughts spinning around inside my head. Couldn't meditate, didn't care about the trip, just paralyzed until I could sort it out. So, I sat in a lounge chair with a blank table of 8 1/2" by 11" yellow paper and a brand new black roller ball pen. Then I started writing down some of the things that I had personally experienced about the cult that just made no sense. The first couple of bullet points were a struggle but then it started to pour out of me. I filled the whole pad and then ran out of ink. Then when I got home, I started to read the forum. Finally I just had to post and I found the support I needed from these wonderful folks. The last 1 1/2 years of my decompressing can be found in the archives. Think I'll go read those yellow pages again and find another story to tell everybody. Thanks and welcome!

15th January 2011 - The Final Answer

"I know I won't get an answer. It's like a brick wall, impenetrable and silent. He is not a master. If he was, he would have ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS!!!!! He is not a master because he has NOT carried out his part of the deal. The master part. The master that cares about his students and answers their questions part." - Anna

Anna's post reminded me of one of my originals from about a year and a half ago so I went back and copied part of it below. I had numerous opportunities to personally ask Rawat questions and found him to be absolutely unapproachable. He always postured himself in such an aloof way that he just sort of radiated the message that he could not be bothered. I have never met anyone who was so self absorbed, egotistical, and condescending. The story below describes his response when I gathered the courage to ask him a very relevant and important personal question.

Looking back, for me, the instinct of Doubt was never fully obliterated. Doubt was only sequestered in a deep dark recess of my mind. Thousands of hours of active training and years of intense programming only served to contain doubt and not eradicate it. There was just enough left to serve me well. In fact, I have now come to understand that doubt was working for me all along. At times, while active in the cult, something would happen that just made no sense. But through training and indoctrination, as soon as I would begin to shake my head and ask what?, why?, huh?, doubt would be forcibly overruled. Compliance and submission to the teachings and pressures of the cult would automatically take over. But these questionable events were registered, recorded, and accumulated in the stored memory of my mind. The dots were there, but just not connected.

For me, a couple of events occurred that were so impressionable, the ingrained process of ignoring doubt, simply failed. Doubt crept in like a default, and it boldly alerted me to wake up and pay attention. I just couldn't ignore or deny the INCONSISTENCY of what I was personally experiencing with Rawat, (who he presents himself to be) and his actions and behavior (who he really is). It was like the lights were turned on and I was suddenly looking at ALL those dots. A distinct pattern appeared that was so clear I could not deny what I was seeing. Somehow I was able to find the courage to take a good look. Three things happened simultaneously: I clearly saw the obvious nature of Rawat's lies and charade, I was overcome by the raw emotion of having been maliciously deceived for 34 years (at an unimaginable cost), and while desperately struggling, grabbed on to the glimmer of HOPE that there might just be a way out.

There is a seemingly endless array of dots that could each be described at length. I will close with the story of one dot I will never forget, but first a little background. For a period of 5 long years I had been faced with an enormous personal challenge and crisis. We all face tough times, some more than others. But without going into details, please trust that this was of considerable magnitude. The best word to describe how I felt is "grief." True grief is so devastating it just cannot be understood by explanation. Those who have experienced it will know immediately what I mean. Those who have not are simply fortunate. I had been granted the incredible opportunity to be completely alone with Rawat, and with great anticipation, eagerly awaited my chance to talk to him. At what felt like the right moment, I somehow mustered the courage to ask for his wisdom, advice, and yes, even His Blessing. After all, he had been absolutely everything to me, and I thoroughly and deeply believed he was God incarnate. In fact, I distinctly remember feeling that, in spite of the circumstances, I alone, was at that moment, the single luckiest soul in the entire Universe. He would surely know more than anyone, what to say to me. With carefully chosen words, I asked for his help.

He paused for a few seconds, looked away, and then quickly rattled off the words, "Don't let it get to you." Upon sensing my dismay, he repeated more firmly, "Don't let it get to you." Then utter silence. He had no more to say.

Later I realized what he meant by that. It really had nothing to do with compassion, understanding, kindness, love, peace, or anything else that Rawat pretends to represent. It had nothing to do with why I followed him or why I believed in any of it for most of my life. But it did clearly reveal his ultimate agenda as I now know it to be; "Don't let it get to you. Don't let it get to you….. just keep living the lie, believe in the charade, and it will all be OK."

15th January 2011 - Re: What a load of crap! And I posted this, it almost makes me feel sick.

Made me realize why Rawat so aggressively promotes floundering teams while beating down any semblance of leadership or internal organization. He sees those qualities as a competitive threat to his own glorification.

16th January 2011 - The list

Still have it. When I've got some time, I'll dig through it again and see if there's anything I've missed that might make a good story. Glad to have the forum as a channel to get the truth out there. Thanks Lexy.

18th January 2011 - The secret formula for success…..

It wasn't what Rawat said that was so appalling, but how he said it. His entire reaction conveyed a lot more than just the words. It took him a couple of long seconds to register that one of his typically docile and obedient servants had actually had the nerve to ask him a question. But he realized he was kind of cornered and forced into providing an obligatory answer. I'm not sure he really even listened or understood what I was asking him. Instead it was clear that the content was irrelevant. He was more concerned with the disturbance and interruption this unusual event was causing him.

He stared straight ahead, locked his jaw a bit, and then in a robot like fashion blurted out his statement, "don't let it get to you." It was almost like his best advise was for me to become like him; an unfeeling, uncaring, non-responsive, emotionless, mechanical, self-absorbed, arrogant, abuser. Thinking more about his reaction, his message could be more accurately interpreted as saying, "protect yourself, keep up your guard, and get them before they get you." The scary part is that looking back, I'm sure he felt he was giving me some great insider advise that wasn't available to the premie masses. He was sharing his own secret formula for success.

20th January 2011 - Rawat's Unreasonable Anger

"They are also unpredictable; they have manic phases and depressed phases and in all cases, no matter what, the cult member, is ALWAYS WRONG. Over time, they tend to get increasingly paranoid, arbitrary in their behavior and usually keep themselves isolated from most members by layers of membership, and such isolation makes it easier for members to idealize him." - Joe

"narcissists go through phases, and they become unreasonably angry when things do not go their way." - Gregg

Thanks for these perceptive and descriptive comments. They really explain why Rawat was brutally abusive to those select individuals who were allowed to get close to him. He could lash out in a heartbeat about the smallest detail and in the most unreasonable way. This happened to me many times and I witnessed it with other poor unfortunate premies who suddenly and unexpectedly became the target of Rawat's wrath. There were numerous occasions where I would do something for Rawat and thought I was being helpful. Only instead of expressing appreciation like any normal person would do, he'd let me have it.

Once I got an unexpected call that he needed "set up" help for an overnight stop he was making in a nearby City. I dropped everything, drove several hours to meet him, set up his room, and bought hundreds of dollars of groceries. Then I drove him to and from the airport, handled his luggage, and remained on call all night and for the duration of his stop over. On top of that, I paid a couple of thousand dollars for his hotel, food, and his entire stay, all with my own money.

My most memorable moment of the trip was during the departure at the airport. I had just driven him from the hotel to the airport for the last leg of his trip. Everything had gone absolutely perfect and I felt a deep sense of satisfaction for a job well done. After all, my goal was to please him and serve him meticulously to the best of my ability. While he checked the plane, I parked the car and was standing quietly off to the side in a relatively inconspicuous spot waiting to see if there was anything else I could do to help. I wanted him to know I was there if needed, but didn't want to be noticed or interfere in any way. No one had given me any direction so it just made sense to kind of find a spot and stand by at my post.

As he walked around to inspect the plane, he saw me out of the corner of his eye. Apparently, my standing in that spot set him off into a brief but intense fit of rage. He stormed over, red faced and scowling, and stopped right in front of me. He turned his head and with absolute contempt and scorn, barked out the words "who told you to stand here!". Then he quickly stomped back towards the plane and got on board.

Stunned, I went back and sat in the car until the plane took off. Then I waited the required 30 minutes to make sure he was well on his way and started the drive home. I clearly remember the strange mix of thoughts and emotions I felt on that long drive back. As I fought to hold on to "that experience" and try to follow my breath, my mind struggled to understand where I had gone wrong. Was it the spot I had picked? Should I have asked if it was OK to get out of the car? Did I say something I shouldn't have, or was I standing incorrectly? Would he forgive me? Was this the end of my opportunities to do personal service? Would I burn in hell for all eternity? What had just happened???

I never did sort it all out but instead just buried the entire event in the deep dark recesses of my mind. Then I neatly covered it over with layers of denial and carefully reconstructed any doubts about Rawat into shortcomings and defects within myself. After all, he was perfect and I had plenty to learn. It must have all been for my own painful but necessary personal growth. Thank you Maharaji, thank you, thank you, thank you. You love me so much that you actually went out of your way to personally straighten me out. I am blessed beyond belief! How could I be so fortunate that you would actually get angry at me to express your kindness! Thank you my Lord; thank you, thank you, thank you.

20th January 2011 - Re: Rawat's Unreasonable Anger

Thanks Joe and I appreciate your comments. I have not yet received any threats, but if I do I'll let you all know. I'm sure from my posts that those on the very inside know who I am. I always kept a low profile within the organization but found an inconspicuous spot where I was placed in positions of great trust and responsibility among Rawat's personal handlers. My hope is that by exposing Rawat here, he feels like he can't trust anyone anymore. I'm sure it was never imagined that I would leave and then publicly post my stories on the forum. Who's next that might turn on him and what might they have to say if they ever broke free???

I remember intense feelings of anxiety about leaving the cult and after my first major post, I was physically shaken. The mixture of feelings, emotions; fear, betrayal, freedom, exhilaration, all coated with decades of spiritual conditioning was absolutely overwhelming. But I found the courage and determination to face the real truth which really did set me free. Now I am grateful to have found another chance to rediscover myself and all the wonders of life that I had missed. It feels great and I'm doing fine. It also helps for me to post my stories. Seems like when I do, another wound gets to heal. Thanks Cynthia, Lakeshore, and everyone else for your continued kindness and support. I feel like I have found some true friends here.

21st January 2011 - Re: The Anxiety of Leaving the Cult

Thanks Joe. I left about 3 years ago in 2007 after 34 years in the cult. That's when I just kind of started saying no when asked if I could drive Rawat or head out to the residence and do some free work; i.e. service. The last premie I had any contact with was Mankoff. He had called me every 2 weeks for about 20 years to pass on inspiring messages followed by his real reason for calling; i.e. $$$. I stopped answering Mankoff's calls then finally called him back one day and left the simple message on his cell phone, "I don't believe in Maharaji anymore". That was the last I ever heard from any premies on the inside. Then I just quietly disappeared from the scene in my home town premie community. They either didn't care or were too afraid to talk to me thinking whatever happened to me might be contagious.

I started posting about a year and a half ago with my "he stumbled off the plane totally drunk" story which was met with quite a buzz by my now dear friends from the forum. Posting here is like therapy for me and each time I tell a story it kind of clears out some of the toxic sludge leftover from my years of cult indoctrination. I don't get angry too often because I feel so fortunate to have escaped and found my own personal freedom. I have regrets about all those lost years but I'm trying to really enjoy all the years I have left and not just stew around feeling sorry for myself. I do have a vendetta with Rawat and will keep posting stories as I read here and am reminded of past events. Hopefully my posts may help others get out of the cult or stifle Rawat from doing any more damage. Thanks all your great contributions to the forum.

21st January 2011 - Re: David Mankoff and a question

Rather than discuss my own personal situation, I'd like to just say I was on his list of premies to prod for regular donations, and he did that diligently. Thanks Joe.

21st January 2011 - Re: Rawat's Unreasonable Anger

Surely that should read: He stormed over, red faced and scowling, and stopped right in front of me. He looked up at me and with absolute contempt and scorn, barked out the words "who told you to stand here!".

Thanks Ocker, He actually turned his head and looked up at the same time. I can still see the entire moment in slow motion, playing over and over again like a video, in my mind. After this post, I am going to delete that video from my library, and move on.

24th January 2011 - Re: The Children of the Holy Family

"One can only speculate on the divorce settlement Claudia got with Raja Ji. I'm sure she had a good lawyer. In return for huge child support payments and a "residence in Miami," and alimony of some generous amount (from Prem, not from Raja Ji who had no money of his own)"

I heard from a reliable source that Rawat paid Claudia $1M if she just went away and agreed to keep quiet about everything she had seen or been exposed to while on the inside. She took the deal.

24th January 2011 - All for nothing really…..

"What premies are left with is the fear of their minds, coupled with some experiences of group high, possible calming effects of meditation, and the feeling of spiritual ego and smug satisfaction they get from being among the chosen." - Joe

Excellent summary Joe. Amazing how we were able to be manipulated so far off target. I doubt if your summary above is the "experience" that any of us originally signed up for. We may have all had somewhat different motives and expectations for coming to Rawat and Knowledge. But this is a pretty accurate description of where we ended up.

In the beginning, I wanted enlightenment and had an idea what that would be like. My deal with Rawat was pretty simple; if I did what he said, I'd get it. So I diligently applied myself thinking that I'd get there by shear effort. My fall back position if I ran out of juice on my own, was that the hand of grace would reach down upon seeing my sincere effort, and just sort of take me there.

In hindsight, this was pretty twisted thinking. I looked at it like getting good grades in school or winning at a sport. Success and reward would be directly proportional to effort. Only, somehow I thought that I'd achieve or earn God consciousness in the same way. Rawat's hierarchical structures, trainings, major donor system, preferred seating, Mahatmas and instructors, and the entire culture encouraged this delusional thinking. Of course there is no success or reward. All for nothing really except to enrich Rawat's own grandiosity and wealth.

25th January 2011 - All for nothing really…..

"I couldn't help but to observe over time that Prem Rawat lulled premies into a comfortably numb "pleasant valley Sunday" experience. Premies can have their wine and cheese and beemers and cognac and Knowledge too. It's pathetic, really, what happened over time to what we originally signed up for."

Stark contrast but oh so true Lakeshore. If I had only known where it was all headed when I first met Rawat back in 1973. The last thing I wanted back then was exactly what you describe so perfectly well. All I can say is at least I was lucky enough to get out before it was all over. Imagine the insult to personal dignity for an entire life to be consumed following Rawat all the way to one's own last breath. Then to fight to connect to Rawat with all one's might while that last breath vacates the body. Then finally, (caution; this next thought may contain graphic and disturbing images), to have ones own coffin surrounded with pictures of a smiling Rawat while in the background the air is fllled with the instrumental version of "at the feet of the master"…….

25th January 2011 - Sorry to break the news…..

Hi Dave,

Thanks for posting and putting out your questions and statements which are really sort of a challenge. Reading into your words you come across as saying:

" hey, all you xers out there, Rawat is no liar. You asked for the techniques and he gave them to you. Nobody else ever did that now did they? You got what you wanted. So what the heck is the problem anyways??? The problem must be you guys cause there just couldn't be any problem whatsoever with my beloved Mr. Rawat."

Honestly Dave, if you just started reading here today, I forgive you for being so misinformed. But if you've been following along for a while, can you just stop for minute and see what all that cool aid is doing to you? Your post is a classic example of how defenders of the immutable Mr. Rawat ignore anything or everything that might cast doubt on his true identity. Its kind of like a child who refuses to believe that Santa Clause isn't real. Btw, how and when did you find out the truth about Santa Clause?

26th January 2011 - Last Hooraaaah???

"whitewashed the guru/devotional/surrender/worship aspect a dozen times over through shameless revisionism."

Rawat believed he had finally gotten this right when he put together the Keys. I remember, just before he had them packaged and ready to launch, he was giddy with anticipation. In October 2005, I was still very active as a premie and went to the program in Amaroo. Rawat sat up there, repeatedly talked about the Keys, and kept telling everyone, "just you wait, this is gonna be it." Then I remember driving him shortly after that and there was this air of confidence that he had figured it all out. Propagation would take off and Rawat would be returned to his rightful position, sitting on his throne, looking out at throngs of devoted worshipers, in total control of the masses of humanity at long last.

Now that I'm reading this thread, it hit me how critically important the Keys were to Rawat's survival. It really was a last ditch effort to twist his message into something a little more palatable. In those keys he thought he had figured out a way to do exactly as Lakeshore said; water the whole thing down, package it up for distribution, but keep himself as kind of the secret active ingredient for the whole process of Knowledge. That's exactly what the Keys do. Its all carefully implied deep in the Keys that Rawat is essential for the Keys to work. But its hidden and kind of toned down. Guess it was Rawat's attempt at having it both ways. Nice try Rawat. What's next?

16th February 2011 - Tissue of Lies

"Don't they ever stop to wonder how the hell they got here from there, how the 'absolute truth' came to be hidden under a tissue of lies, & why they can't even see that it's happened."

I recently had a professional encounter with an active long term premie I've known for over 25 years. We did service together side by side on many of the same teams. On numerous occasions we felt a very close bond of mutual commitment to knowledge and Rawat and became friends. He knows I don't practice anymore and I have moved on. At the same time he's still in the same place as a fully engaged modernized premie, following the same cult protocol, same perspective, same everything as far as I can tell. Only now 3 years have passed since I left, so for me a lot has changed but for him very little has changed. Yet during our encounter nothing was said relative to Rawat and the cult other than he mentioned he had recently gone to a program in Miami and that it was very nice. Not a word was asked about what had happened to me or why I had suddenly stopped participating in anything related to the cult.

It was almost as if there was an invisible but powerful shield of resistance in place which made the subject forbidden taboo. It's really so strange because normal courtesy and natural human curiosity would just naturally lead to questions being asked under any other circumstance. On the surface, this premie appears to be living in a normal, productive manner as a fully engaged contributory member of society. But on the inside, he's gridlocked from any interaction which might threaten or shake up that delicate bond that has been carefully stitched together by years of relentless indoctrination by the cult. It would seem that maintaining this type of resistance to natural tendencies and instincts would take a lot of discipline and will power. But after thinking about how this premie lives, he has essentially crafted a situation where contact with "outsiders" is kept at arms length and to a minimum. Nearly all of this persons close encounters and relationships are with other practicing premies who constantly reinforce the foundation of beliefs.

16th February 2011 - Re: "Showed No Curiosity"

Your post made me realize that the more evil or demented premies think I am is a good measure of how far I've advanced in my freedom and recovery from the cult. Very rewarding. Thanks Ocker.

18th February 2011 - alpha schmalpha….

Reminds me of a study I was asked to be involved in back in 1976 at a major University Biomedical Research Institution. They were looking for volunteers to hook up to their machine that measured alpha brain waves. Of course I jumped at the chance thinking they would be so blown away by my fantastic "score" that Knowledge would quickly be spread through the entire campus.

Well on game day, they hooked me up with eager anticipation. Everything was just right; comfortable quiet room, a little relaxing music to get warmed up, loose clothing, preliminary restroom stop, you name it. Of course I was praying hard to Maharaji to make sure I adequately performed as his devoted representative. Then I was left alone to show them my stuff.

Of course it turned out to be one of the worst mind battering meditation sessions I can ever remember. I was beaten to a pulp and knew it. No way could I harness those wild thoughts and expectations. The results showed it and there was NO difference in my alpha waves while immersed in my deep meditative state.

As you can imagine, the aftermath for me was horrifying. I was almost incapacitated with guilt. How could I have let my Master down after being presented with such an unbelievable opportunity?!!! What horrible fate awaited me now in this life and for all eternity? The only way to redeem myself was with more hard work through devotion, prayer, satsang, service, and yes, meditation which I had learned to temporarily despise with restrained contempt. It took me years to pull out of that one.

2nd March 2011 - Embarrassed to be himself.

Even Rawat himself tries to disguise his true identity. Every year for about 20 years, I would drive him to flight training school which lasted several days. He was absolutely terrified that one of the other students, instructors, or Gulfstream executives would find out who he was and what he actually did for a living. Can you imagine Rawat in a classroom setting with a couple of dozen other pilots, who were just normal people, for a week?

He had us park a motor home just outside the classroom door so he could beeline it in there and hide out during breaks. The obvious reason was that he was scared to death someone would approach him and start up a conversation. The usual questions of those types of conversations would be, "where are you from, what do you do, who do you work for, etc". No way could he ever actually tell any of those folks the truth about himself without generating some kind of embarrassing reaction. So his strategy was to diligently avoid contact to prevent from being discovered. Of course his excuse for the isolation was personal security but it was really about preventing his own humiliation and ridicule if he were to be exposed. What greater testimony to the hypocrisy and fallacy of it all, than Rawat's own incessant denial of himself and who he represented himself to be?!!!

3rd March 2011 - Re: Jasper, I think you misread

I can however confirm he did always wear a suit and tie and through the eyes of a premie, he looked gorgeous (puke) . Now that I'm thinking about it, the other pilots were dressed business casual, usually in nice sport shirts and slacks, so he must have stuck out like a sore thumb. Especially because he was the only one there who had his own motor home parked out side the classroom door, with his personal valet and driver in waiting. I wonder what the other attendees were thinking about him and his isolated and superior attitude and behavior. It would be really interesting to hear from some other pilots or flight professionals who were exposed to Rawat through these channels. I'd guess Rawat would find it impossible to conceal his insidious arrogance and know it all attitude. Add in his total lack of any social skills or emotional development and I can just imagine how there could have been a little buzz going on among the others who were there. Looking back it makes sense now how badly he needed that motor home to hide in.

4th March 2011 - Just thinking back…..

Reminds me of the old premie adage that no matter how fast we were growing and evolving in knowledge, Rawat was evolving faster and would always be out front.

4th March 2011 - Re: Resolving Cognitive Dissonance vs Rawat's belief system

Recently I watched a documentary about transporting the President of the United States. It featured in depth interviews with the pilots of Air Force One and Marine One, the specially designed and constructed jets and helicopters used to fly him around the world. Of course security is absolute top priority but comfort and the ability to communicate internationally while mobile cannot be compromised. Nothing is left to chance and no expense has been spared. The crews practice continuously and repeatedly review every procedure to improve efficiency and effective execution.

The helicopter pilot for Marine One very eloquently expressed the pressure and responsibility he felt while handling the controls during the transport of the "leader of the free world". He described in detail the high level of training and dedication, and his perspective about the importance of his role for the welfare of the Country and the World. The crew has to be ready for anything, including potential terrorist attacks while sticking to extremely tight schedules with zero margin for error. Sometimes they operate in hostile foreign territory and must coordinate all procedures with other security staff including the Military, FBI, the Secret Service, and local law enforcement agencies. Often they take off and land in areas where access is extremely limited and dangerous.

Of course while watching the program I couldn't stop thinking about all the times I drove Rawat and what it felt like to be personally responsible for the safety and comfort of God himself. I'd spend hours cleaning my car, checking tire pressures, and driving the roads to make sure I knew every nuance, bump, pot hole, sign, traffic light, and alternate route in case of emergency. It was actually more complicated than driving the President because I was also responsible to make sure I was spiritually fit while in the physical presence of my Master. So I'd be meditating like crazy trying to grab each and every breath while functioning at my maximum level of performance behind the wheel. Then, I'd usually find myself trying to talk to him while he was in the car. On top of all that, I was sworn to secrecy and couldn't mention a word about what I was doing with anybody except the other premies on the inner security team.

Among Rawat's personal handlers, there was a subtle but distinctly smug undertone. We had been specially selected above all others for the most critically important and demanding service in the World. Transporting the Master was potentially the most dangerous task a premie could be asked to do. We were incredibly fortunate and could not even for a minute take any of it for granted. There was kind of a brotherhood that developed. It was like a squad of seasoned soldiers who had faced combat together and formed an invisible bond. We all knew what we had been through but could never describe it to an outsider.

Now, looking back and knowing Rawat is a total fake, it just seems completely ridiculous. I want to laugh out loud about it, but its so pitiful I almost feel like crying. To think there was a time when I believed that driving Rawat was even remotely close to some high level international security operation; absolutely inconceivable. Then to imagine the toxic mixture of thoughts and emotions I felt while driving him…… the pressure to be perfect, the breathing and meditation, the relentless attempts at thought control, the secrecy, the smug superiority, the brotherhood and twisted relationships, all covered by the dark shadow of Rawat's own grandiose, extravagant, self absorbed, and demanding presence. To imagine this is still going on and there are premies still stuck in that gooey drama…..

7th March 2011 - Re: Just thinking back…..

Thanks Lesley. I think its really important that we don't forget the internal damage that Rawat and the cult inflicts upon its victims. The most insidious effect on me was the way my thought processes were affected. Everything I thought, felt, or experienced was filtered by years of conditioning. Many decisions I made based on that conditioning have cost me dearly; financially, emotionally, and in my relationships with others. The combined impact of Rawat's influence on my life has been profound and destructive. I equate it to being falsely convicted of a crime and sentenced to 34 years in prison. Those years are lost and the best I can do is try to collect the damaged fragments of my life and piece them together to make the best of it. Hopefully some of these stories may help others to find their way out.

19th March 2011 - Rawat's Complicity

"Rawat's complicity and acceptance of premies worshipping him as god or the greatest incarnation of god ever to to grace the planet without putting a halt to it is just as damning and delusional as his many claims to be"

Kind of goes to Rawat's strategy of how he responds to just about everything. He always postures himself as being above it all. He's just too busy and distracted in his own little private internal world managing all the hidden details involved with keeping the entire Universe afloat. It's a job that us mere mortals need not understand nor worry about because he has it all under control. So why should he be bothered with responding to anything?

I guess we could call it complicity but after seeing him up close, I believe it is a conscious strategy he employs to reenforce his image. Besides, its easy. He doesn't really have to say or do anything. In fact his avoidance of engaging with issues just adds to the effect. Let the masses say or think what they want. He can even be half drunk, stoned, or dumbed down with pain pills for all we would know. Works for him on several levels.

19th March 2011 - Re: Mrs Rawat's true perspective

Wow! I just had to copy and paste this in its entirety. Although there is plenty to say, what got me the most was the last comment she made. "We will know that we have helped in this hour of crisis." In her pickled alcoholic mind it really is all about relieving her own guilt.

Dear Friends,

We can stand together and make a difference for our dear friends in Japan. If we each step up – whatever you feel you're able to do – each small effort multiplied by all of our efforts will be a beautiful, powerful energy that can help those so desperately in need.

We have love and care for our fellow human beings. In addition, TPRF is a physical vehicle that can provide help and touch people's lives.

My husband's vision was to set up a transparent foundation that could help people most in need. For the last ten years, TPRF has been making a real difference for people all over the world.

I encourage you to ask your friends, your family, your colleagues, your neighbors, the people with whom you interact, to join in helping TPRF provide this much needed relief.

Even if we can't physically be there, our hearts are there, our love is there, and we can do this. We will know that we have helped in this hour of crisis. Thank you.

Yours truly,

Marolyn Rawat

19th March 2011 - Classic Marolyn

Thanks 13 and thanks for posting the letter. Like Lakeshore I'm struck kind of numb by this but not yet speechless. In fact, I've just got to make a few more comments. First of all I believe Marolyn wrote it or at least edited it. It may not have been her original idea but my guess is she had a heavy influence on the wording and the content. This is classic Marolyn with a carefully adjusted tone to reflect Rawat's current humanitarian image. Phrases like, "whatever you feel, each small effort, all our effort, beautiful powerful energy, we have love and care, touch people's lives, our hearts, our love is there"….. It just sounds like exactly the way she used to talk when she was speaking to us as our Holy Mother.

Then there is the carefully worded appeal or call to arms for us to all get behind her husband and his great vision, and then go tell everyone we know to join in. But its the close that really sticks out and I just can't get over it. Why do all of this? Why stand together to make a difference? Not because there was a natural disaster resulting in chaos and unimaginable human suffering. Nope, not a single word about that nasty, distasteful, unmentionable stuff. That's just not allowed inside the sheltered world she lives in. No, let's not talk about that. And by the way, let's not mention the word money. Instead we should all come together and do this for the one single real reason we should do just about anything; because it will feel so good for each of us!!!

But why write it at all? I can only think of 2 reasons. Either she was intimidated or forced into doing it as a last ditch PR attempt to rally the troops while the ranks quickly dwindle away. Or she had some kind of guilt twinge that sought relief by stepping back into her old persona, thinking it would make her feel better. Either way its deplorable. She well knows that most contributions for TPRF go towards supporting Rawat which provides a benefit directly to her. If there was real concern for the Japanese, she would ask everyone to contribute through the Red Cross, where only 9% of contributions go towards "overhead".

20th March 2011 - Unconditional ?

… Not sure why but it reminded me of the time I accidentally stepped on Rawat's little lap dog named Juju. I felt some real longing at that moment, all right. Longing to evaporate and get the hell out of there before the wrath of the ages descended upon my poor, pitiful, damned for all eternity, miserable soul. Wonder how Mitch would feel if he ever got on the wrong side of Rawat for even a split second. Not so timeless, pure, and unconditional I'm sure.

21st March 2011 - Wanted to hang myself…..

The dog yapped loudly, Marolyn gasped in horror and grabbed the dog, grabbed my head with both hands while babbling "sorry i'm so stupid" (or something similar), she tested all the dogs moving parts, I whispered a prayer thanking Maharaji they all worked, she said it looked like the dog was ok, wished someone had stepped on me, gave all credit to the infinite grace of Maharaji, blamed myself for being so pitiful and unfocused, thanked Marolyn for her mercy, compassion and understanding, apologized to the dog, the dog licked my limply extended hand, Marolyn took the dog inside where she might be safe, sat on a rock staring at the ocean trying to meditate, felt terrible for weeks, incessantly begged Maharaji for forgiveness, thanked him for his infinite grace, stayed away from the fucking dog until that regrettable day when I fumbled with the buckle in that stupid doggy car seat. Concluded the dog was put there as my last obstacle and final test to the full realization of Knowledge which I had failed miserably. Practiced harder to try to save my sorry ass which was most likely doomed anyway. Never told another soul about it until now.

21st March 2011 - What's that smell?

Jeeeeeezzzzzz David! I'd heard about enlightened premies like you who made it to the other side while still walking the face of the earth. And there I was and would remain; stuck right in the middle of the pearly gates tripping over a fucking dog! Karma? A few more lifetimes of hard work? Missed it by just one more tiny smidgeon of grace that might have pulled me through? Guess I'll never know. And that smell of rotting vegetables….. Anybody else get a whiff of that?

24th March 2011 - At odds with ourselves…..

" If you've been put completely at odds with yourself then yes, you can imagine yourself as longing for unconditional love, you could even think you have to be grateful to somebody to keep it."

Thanks for this one Lesley. It helped me understand a little more clearly how Rawat's insidious strategy for domination and control actually worked. He manipulated our thinking to put us "at odds with ourselves" through his bizarre your mind is the enemy dogma. That led to us needing help to patch ourselves back together through a dependency on him. Gratitude was kind of the bridge he used to connect our need to be repaired to his knowing how to fix us. A never ending cycle of dependency I guess; with him securely at the center of it all to the ultimate exclusion of everything else.

3rd April 2011 - A Moment to Remember.

Great thread and it really made me think about why and how I left. Looking back, I actually may have left the "cult" many years ago but didn't actually ex until 2007. The whole premie vibe and club member thing made me sick. But along the way I had miraculously been promoted to Rawat's personal driver and thought I had arrived at another level where few would ever go. I had become one of the elite insiders who could joke around with Rawat, talk to the family, or stay at the residence as his guest. He trusted me like few others and it opened up a world of extreme privilege and eternal promise. Hanging around with Rawat was better than having a key to the Pearly Gates and a pillow at the feet of God himself.

But the more I was with Rawat, the less I liked him. Slowly, that exposure eroded my respect and ultimately destroyed my belief. I could no longer justify his bad or self indulgent behavior as a test of my own faith. His arrogance simply became deplorable. The internal conflict I felt as a result of this realization became more and more pronounced but I fought it with everything I had. I just did not want to admit to myself that Rawat was a fraud. Slowly but surely, as the evidence stacked up and my anguish became intolerable, I subconsciously began looking for that last straw.

In my first post ever, I described driving Rawat while he was drunk in the back seat of my car. That was the proverbial last straw. He was sitting there, blindly drunk, laughing hysterically at everyone and everything with a maniacal snarl that exposed his true character. Of course, I knew Rawat drank a lot and I had bought him plenty of alcohol myself. But that's not what got to me. It was his nasty laugh which rang out loudly, and in a hollow and vindictive way. In one brief moment, that laugh exposed his total lack of respect and appreciation for all of us, our humanity, our good will, and our sincerity. We were just objects to him. We were things that could be manipulated, used to his advantage, and when depleted, we could be disposed of at will.

I had given him everything and would have taken a bullet for him in a heartbeat. That day, I had driven hours to meet him, serviced and cleaned that car of every speck of dirt, carefully groomed and dressed myself in full anticipation, and then eagerly stood by my post waiting for his arrival. There was a prayer in my heart with thanks to him for giving me life and for this moment of incredible opportunity to serve him and him alone. My devotion was real and profound. I had prepared myself diligently and then offered myself fully to serve him exclusively and entirely. Every other care or concern was purposefully set aside. And then he stumbled off that plane totally drunk and proceeded to laugh uncontrollably in a way that put his self absorbed greed right in my face.

As I drove the several hour trip home, the entire experience just made no sense. It was beyond my rational or emotional capacity to comprehend what had happened. The feelings of betrayal began to sink in but I just could not process any of it. After all, I had not only invested 34 years of my life, I had also fully committed myself to him personally, as my master, my friend, and my God. Those few moments in the car summed up what I had began to suspect but continued to deny about Rawat, for the previous several years. He was only in it for what he could get out of us. We were just a bunch of suckers and pawns in his play. While in the car, his success had struck him as funny. He became giddy with delight at his great power and ability to swindle and connive us into believing it all. But he was too drunk to control himself. I just happened to be there at that moment and see him for who he really is.

4th April 2011 - He was too drunk to talk; seriously. (NT)

4th April 2011 - Re: imaginary fire

Thanks Anth. I was very much moved by your post. The hope and promise gone awry. The what if it could have been for real feeling, wrapped in a hollow ending, looking for a reason. I still can't make sense of what happened and think about it all the time.

17th April 2011 - front row seats

"believing that "worldly" accomplishments paled in comparison to being a successful devotee and "premie," adopting a "sour grapes" attitude towards "the world" and worldly accomplishments"

Nice post Lakeshore. But I have to say Rawatism has created a special place for those premies who have found success despite its inherent distasteful connection to the "world". Success has been encouraged as long as the financial results of the devotee's worldly accomplishments end up in Rawat's bottomless pockets.

Seems like around the mid 80's Rawat began to make a concerted effort to scan the ranks for potential future bread winners. Premies who had entrepreneurial skills and good ideas for businesses were targeted and encouraged to build those up and make money. It was understood that these efforts counted as "service" as long as large percentages of the financial rewards from these businesses were sent off as donations. It still remains a very powerful subculture within the cult and has funneled tens if not hundreds of millions directly to the "boss".

So, there were options to supplement and speed up a premie's realization of knowledge. What may not have been achieved through diligence in satsang, meditation, or the more traditional service efforts (ie labor), could instead be fast tracked with financial success and donations. This eventually gave rise to the Major Donor group which is really a combination of these successful entrepreneurs, career professionals, and premies with trust funds or large inheritances.

Rawat has purposefully herded these premies together to build that subculture. He applies peer pressure and competition within the group to squeeze as much money as possible out of every one of them. Its all based on the understanding that donations will buy a front row seat; not just at programs, but for all eternity.

19th April 2011 - Re: front row seats

Good points and I agree with the fracturing of communities effect. Looking back it was a direct result of Rawat's strategy adjustment to isolate and exploit premies with higher income. Once he had a core group and subculture of major donors sustaining itself, he really didn't need communities. But for years the community where I'm from kind of hung on through the efforts of a handful of devoted grass roots premies.

Communities were there originally to facilitate propagation, support a platform for building the culture, and to provide inspiration. But they became obsolete as Rawat purposefully focused on squeezing revenue from his core group of donors. As his interest in promoting communities diminished, Rawat made a concerted effort to engage directly with the major donor group.

Within the major donor group there was and probably still is a lot going on. There were parties at the residence a couple of times a year, special private meetings at programs by personal invitation, and incessant phone calls from Rawat's Lieutenants, Mankoff and Yurim. The group was laced together with the same themes and values that originally connected communities, but the call to action was to give more money instead of propagation.

It clearly illustrates how Rawat's original intoxicating obsession for power and self glorification, evolved into his addiction to wealth and greed. Rawat's strategies were always changing to align and produce the outcome that would feed his insatiable narcissistic appetite. We were, and premies still are, just a means to his ends that are abandoned or disposed of, once their usefulness has expired.

2nd May 2011 - Re: Thanks ock*r

Nectar never worked for me either despite endless attempts to perfect the technique.

2nd May 2011 - Becoming whole

"It would be so refreshing to have a newly cult-exiting premie come here to post and watch that steel wall of denial melt and to witness them becoming a whole, real person again."

Speaking only for myself, it hasn't been that pretty or refreshing. Ex-ing has been a complex process of abandoning an entire lifelong belief system. Replacing those beliefs at the same pace they are being shed is simply an unrealistic expectation. There are still huge chunks of me missing. I'm not yet even close to being a whole person after almost 4 years of ex-ing, coming off 34 years in the cult.

Sometimes the holes and gaps resulting from the process, fill up with fresh understanding or the substance of real "self knowledge" (not the kind imposed by Rawat's dogma). The elation and relief as another missing piece falls into place is gratifying and brings a fresh wave of hope. Other times the holes remain raw and tender for months. It hurts like cold ice water stabbing at the dangling nerve endings within a nasty cavity of a bad tooth. The hollow sensation of isolation and emptiness that results can become difficult to tolerate. It helps to know there are folks out there who understand and can provide support.

Lately I've been going through a period where I read the posts here, but just have nothing to say. A cloud of numbness seems to have settled in and there's nothing I can do about it. So I'm waiting for it to pass. Odd how this works, but not so refreshing from my current perspective.

10th May 2011 - A little more whole…..

Thanks to everyone for your kind comments, support, and excellent perspectives. Feel like I'm back on my way already and just needed a little helping hand to yank me out of that ditch. It wasn't rotting vegetables after all, just some left over cult residual that needed to get cleared out. Hope to be back soon with some good stories which may or may not be corroborated, but will expose more of the truth about Rawat and his sickening, debilitating, brainwashing, scam of a cult!

13th May 2011 - Charity Navigator gets scammed

They rate a charity by % of revenue applied to "program expenses" vs the amount spent on administrative and fundraising expenses. In other words charities are rated by how much of the money they collect gets applied to that charity's purpose. For TPRF this report says TPRF applies 87% which is pretty high. What is not noted is that TPRF has the dual purpose of extending Rawat's message and providing aid. Buried in the 87% "program expenses" is probably over $1M to support Rawat's ridiculously expensive jet set life style. If they only knew…..

14th May 2011 - Amaroo; "Journey's End"

The last time I went to a program in Amaroo was about a year before I seriously began the process of ex-ing. By then I was struggling to shake off my persistent nagging doubts. It was becoming increasingly difficult to justify or rationalize the hypocrisy I personally witnessed when exposed to Rawat's lifestyle and his inner world.

I arrived at Amaroo with eager anticipation expecting to refocus, shake off those doubts, and enrich my experience of Knowledge. Surely a pilgrimage half way around the world, at such great expense and effort, would help beat down my mind and provide a spiritual boost. It seemed like exactly what I needed to get back on track.

After about 24 hours of travel through 12 time zones, I arrived exhausted, and stood in front of my designated pup tent just as the sun began to rise. A fleeting thought whispered at me as I watched it pass through my mind;"this is what I get for $500 a night?!!!" It began to get hot. Inside the tent it was much hotter and became quickly unbearable. There was no place to go and nothing to do. I needed some sleep but instead I decided to go for a walk to decompress.

A half mile down the road I stumbled upon the brand new Knowledge Center which obviously received very limited use. After looking over my shoulder, and thinking it must be off limits, I tried the door anyway. Miraculously it was open and as I pushed the door aside, I was met with a refreshing blast of cool air. Grace….. Rawat must have telepathically known how hot and tired I was. He knew the extreme effort and expense I had made to get there. Obviously my reward would be to find respite within this sanctuary that he personally designed and had built. It would all be OK. I went in, found an isolated corner, and laid down on the floor to take a nap.

About 5 minutes later I heard the door open and a voice call out; "Who's in here?" It was a premie assigned to provide security and she was serious about doing her service exactly as instructed. I didn't want to leave and thought for a minute what to say in response ….."It's hot outside. I'm exhausted. Who cares if I'm in here laying on the floor in the corner? The building isn't being used. Nobody else knew I was in here. Just an hour? After all I've done for Rawat, you'd think it just might be OK for me to spend a little time in here to cool off. Hey, I've given enough money to this organization to build a couple of these. Come on, just turn around and leave. Nobody has to know and they won't care. Please???" Instead I just got up, mumbled something like thanks for telling me I didn't know, and quietly left.

Looking back, that moment was a real turning point for me. Part of me was starting to wonder what exactly it was that I had been involved with and had given my life to for over 30 years. I was 54 at the time with grown children, significant obligations, and a successful career. What was I doing dragging myself half way around the world to sleep on the ground in a roasting hot tent? Why had I given so much to an organization that placed structure and protocol ahead of the welfare of those it was created to represent? And as for Rawat? Why didn't he live and conduct himself within some kind of code of honor and decency? Where was the moral fabric that I expected and deserved from the one I had devoted myself to. How could I respect and follow him as my teacher, guide, and Master, after all I had seen?

I spent the rest of the event in a confused and disoriented frame of mind. The whole experience felt surreal. On the one hand, I ramped up my efforts to practice Knowledge and completely indulge in satsang. At the same time, there was a knawing, nagging, growing, invisible, but tangible shadow constantly hanging over me. I just couldn't shake it off. Rawat looked different to me. The premies didn't seem the same. The magical feeling I was used to experiencing at programs had lost its sparkle. I silently wished it was over with and I was safely home again at long last.

At one afternoon satsang, Rawat sauntered to his chair with Marolyn in tow, while his mistress Monica, photographed the procession. Monica was standing up amid the crowd of premies seated on the ground, unashamedly taking pictures of her lover. Her lover's wife Marolyn helplessly complied and pretended not to notice the mistress standing there in full view. Having full knowledge of the affair, the dynamics of the moment seemed implausible, but I just sat there observing it all in quiet disbelief.

Later at an expressions program, I remember feeling disgusted while premies gushed all over Rawat as he sat there basking in his own grandiosity and glorification. In between the events, the only place to go was to the Bazaar Shops and Restauants, where Rawat souvenirs were packaged and sold amid wholistic fast food stands. Rawat clothing, jewelry, pictures, music; it all seemed so irrelevant and commercialized. That kind of stuff was exactly what I was trying to escape from when I originally signed up for the internal experience of true Knowledge.

One night I spent over $200 for a horribly disappointing dinner at Daya's restaurant. Rawat made an unexpected entrance during the meal and strolled around joking and criticizing a few premies he knew. There was a hush that filled the room broken by an occasional cackle of twisted laughter. It just felt strange and unnatural, like a switch had been flipped and suddenly everyone present was trying hard to become a false idea of their real selves. Every night after the evening satsang event, there was a lot of drinking going on around the food court. Some inebriated premies would be swimming in love and drunken affection, others would get loud and belligerent. There was plenty of repressed steam to blow off after years of accumulated cult indoctrination.

When I finally got back home from Amaroo, nothing seemed quite the same. I drove Rawat a couple of more times and tried to recreate and drum up those old familiar feelings of inspiration, but it just wasn't happening. I kept meditating and even though I still practiced the techniques, the idea that it was leading me somewhere important and essential was fading away. They were just techniques absent of expectation. The thrill was gone. I no longer believed. I slowly realized it was all just made up. It was worse than a Religion. Rawat was a fake and a scam artist. I turned to the forum to compare what I was feeling to others who seemed to be seeing it the same way. And then I started to get mad.

14th May 2011 - good to hear from you…..

Thanks Lakeshore. Missed you lately but understand how traveling interferes with keeping up here. Same thing happens to me regularly. Then I have to scramble to catch up with reading all of the posts.

In hindsight going to Amaroo that last time might have helped me find my way out. I always thought Rawat was just smarter than all of us to see the grand wisdom of investing in that stupid place. Maybe it was sheer exhaustion or just getting older that made me understand the absolute folly of it.

Hope all is well and you can keep in touch.

28th May 2011 - Pity the predator?

"Rawat ….. is almost certainly more of a victim than anyone posting here. Perhaps having compassion for him is the most effective way to end this "sad saga" and get on with our lives."

Not trying to diminish the importance of love and compassion, but pity is another weapon in the sociopath's arsenal to gain control of their victims. Rawat is not the victim. He is a merciless predator who knows what he's doing and purposely manipulates innocent, vulnerable human prey for his own benefit.

30th May 2011 - Numb to Reality

"many old time premies live in a state of numbness and extremely irrational rationalizations as a result of having to block out and ignore so many blatant contradictions and obsolete concepts." - Lakeshore

denial /n : refusal to admit the truth

truth /n : the state of real things, agreement with fact or reality

It wasn't that long ago that I fully believed Rawat's promise to me would one day be fulfilled. Aside from all the idol worship and religious window trimmings that were really no different from many other cults and religions, there was supposed to be the foundation of an actual spiritual experience. It was the hope that I would someday find enlightenment that attracted me and kept me involved.

Knowledge was a practical experience that with practice would ultimately pay off. If I practiced enough, I would become an expert at it and reap the rich rewards for all eternity. My strategy was to make the effort and simultaneously get as close as possible to Rawat himself. If I got close to Rawat and served him well, I believed eventually he might be so pleased with me, he would intervene with all of his special powers and help speed up my progress. There were stories like that, where the Master had just zapped the student into a state of permanent enlightenment. If I couldn't get there by pure effort, then my back up plan was to try to put myself in a position to get zapped.

I never wanted the rituals or the religious ceremony. That was something I had to put up with as a necessary and essentially irrelevant side show. The Darshan line was the prime example. All that waiting with quiet music and tip toeing barefoot with head bowed in respect and hands folded; what I really wanted was to kiss those feet and have some mystical transformation happen. I hoped to become instantly and systemically infused with the primordial vibration and taken to some permanent state of higher consciousness.

Well, after 34 years, the effort never paid off and I never got zapped. There was no enlightenment. The rituals and ceremony continued slightly watered down, but I never cared about them or the premie group culture. I held on hoping Rawat himself might come through for me with all his secret power and ability. But behind the smoke screen of false promises, Rawat turned out to be a drunk, who had constantly changed his story about who he really was. Rawat's personal life was a total contradiction to the values that reflect an experience of absolute truth. The premies deep on the inside were busy fighting and positioning for power and control. Rawat's own wife, who for years was sold to us as the ultimate perfect premie Holy Mother, was a miserable, blabbering alcoholic. He smuggled his mistress around behind the scenes, lying and sneaking so he wouldn't get caught. And on and on and on…..

Lakeshore's analysis is absolutely spot on. The truth of the matter must be so obvious to any casual observer or anyone who takes an honest look at it. The only way premies could possibly stay in the cult is to have become numb to reality. The premie culture isolates premies from the real world and reinforces this false state of denial. Continued practice just numbs the mind and senses while suppressing creative or analytical thought. Funny how what was in the beginning, supposed to be the experience of ultimate truth, has turned out to be just a big fat lie.

30th May 2011 - Re: Numb to Reality

"It has to be like that these days, going through the motions in a blind stupor convincing yourself that it's some sort of ultimate experience or at least a key to one, even while you're too afraid to even question it." - Lakeshore

Ah yes, it was a blind stupor and almost impossible to shake off. I remember being terrified to even entertain a single negative thought about Rawat or Knowledge. Somehow I had totally accepted the dogma that my own mind was evil and those kind of thoughts and doubts were the embodiment of my mind. Rawat and the cult had split me right down the middle; On the one side was the good me holding hands with an imaginary Rawat struggling to beat my mind to a pulp. On the other side was the bad me who was putting up a nobel fight to preserve my own identity.

It really did take everything I had to wake up and find the courage to recognize that my mind and the real me weren't so bad after all. But then to look over at the good me and at Rawat and muster the strength to stand tall and challenge a lifetime of beliefs….. It just makes me feel fortunate that I woke up before it was too late.

So for the premies out there who might be reading this, just try to connect the dots. Rawat has never given you anything. Therefore you have nothing to lose. In fact, there is everything to gain, especially your own true self. Just find the courage to wake up and take an honest look at Rawat and the inconsistencies and contradictions inside the cult. The fear of leaving is the residue and proof that you have been had by nothing more than a con artist you probably never even talked to.

Thanks again Lakeshore and I'm really glad you are back and posting again!

31st May 2011 - Rawat; A perfect 9…..

Thanks Steve. However Rawat got to be the sociopath he is, he sure is a classic example and seems to fit all 9 of the traits shown in the article you posted. According to the author, a person only needs 3 to qualify so Rawat passes with flying colors!

"Dr. Stout (2005) indicates that common sociopathic traits include:

Conscience defect
Exaggerated sexuality
Excessive boasting
Risk taking
Inability to resist temptation
Deprecating attitude toward the opposite sex
Lack of interest in bonding with a mate.

Any three or more of these traits can be used by an author to build a sociopathic character. When writing about sociopaths, one should remember these traits for the reasons of authenticity but also for character depth. Believe it or not, even a character with no conscience can have depth and complexity. Life looks different through the eyes of a sociopath--and it is definitely a life worth looking at, full of darkness and lacking in mercy."

I'm just glad I got out of there and will be a whole lot smarter about who I trust going forward. I still have a hard time feeling sorry for the bastard and don't have a single twinge of compassion for him. My only hope for Rawat is that he is stopped from ruining other people's lives and that he gets what he truly deserves. Guess I still believe in something like divine justice or karma after all. And if I can help warn others, then that's a noble cause worthy of my time and effort.

5th June 2011 - India; the Motherland

One Summer day a few years ago, I was driving Rawat during a brief stopover visit. He was sitting next to me in the passenger seat and suddenly turned and asked, "would you do me a favor?" Without even thinking about it or hesitating for a single moment I quickly replied, "yes Maharaji, anything for you." He then proceeded to ask me to go to India the following November for the upcoming Hans Jayanti Festival in Delhi. Once there, I was to coordinate a special project he wanted completed inside the walls of his private residence at the festival site. All the details for my accommodations would be handled. I just had to organize the project and get myself there. I would have free reign and access to any resources as needed, and as an extra benefit, I'd be his personal guest for the entire event.

This was just too good to be true! I thanked him profusely and gushed about how kind he was to even ask me to go. Then the wheels started turning in my head as I tried to internally process the deep and profound meaning of it all. What incredible fortune and grace. He had noticed my diligent practice of Knowledge and years of dedicated service. Then I remembered it was also the year of my 30th anniversary of receiving Knowledge. This was obviously an added gift from Rawat to celebrate that special milestone; to be chosen as his guest to fly half way around the world and attend the event by his personal invitation. I was literally floating in ecstasy and bliss. All I had to do was just not screw it up by getting into my mind and over thinking this incredible opportunity. That nasty ego was still there lurking in the shadows waiting to devour me if I wasn't careful. Nope; humility and gratitude were my safety net. I'd take shelter in some extra meditation and try to avoid any thoughts about how special or privileged I really was.

The months slowly dragged on as I made my preparations for the trip. There were supplies to ship and premies from Malibu and India to talk to. Rawat had provided clearance for me, so everyone was eager to help with just about anything. Of course all expenses, materials, and shipping costs for the project were gratefully paid out of my own pocket. I thought that was the least I could do for the incredible opportunity Rawat had provided. Finally the day of my departure arrived and I boarded the plane to London and from there, on to India. As we lifted off the ground, I imagined myself being held safely in the hands of my Master as he swept me off to his homeland. How perfect. How fortunate. How kind he was to let this happen.

I got off the plane, collected my bags and found the cab driver who was waiting for me. As we exited the airport, there were cows wandering freely along the sides of the road. Occasionally traffic would slow as one decided to cross or just stop right in the middle of the road for no apparent reason. Nobody seemed to mind or even do anything about it. Then I remembered, this was India after all and cows were supposed to be Holy for some reason. And oh yea, they don't eat them over here either. As we approached the City there were ramshackle tents scattered around with small smokey campfires and the glow of burning amber coals. People were everywhere; some covered head to foot in colorful saris, others dressed only in flimsy loincloths. Then as traffic thickened there were buildings of various sizes, alley ways, more people and cows, more cars, trucks and thousands of scooters, and suddenly we were immersed in heart of New Delhi.

There was a sense of organized chaos as skilled drivers blew their horns and squeezed their vehicles at too high speed through impossibly tight spaces. The air began to have an acrid smell and my eyes started to water and then burn uncomfortably. People would squat near the curb and it took me a minute to realize what they were doing. But nobody seemed to care or notice. Then as I gazed out the window trying to take it all in, my eye caught the empty stare of a small boy who was looking back at me. His 3 foot tall frail body was standing naked with one hand stretched out as his lips mumbled something that I understood as permanent hunger. Dozens of flies swarmed around his head and neck while others were busy exploring the cavities and spaces between the dirt that covered his bare skin. Just beyond the glass, his face tried to express a strange mixture of thoughts and feelings but they were encased and contained within his numbing pain. There was a hollowness in his eyes that blankly seemed to be asking me, "what happened?" The car quickly jerked forward towards an empty gap but that fleeting image would be forever burned deeply into my memory.

We turned a corner and drove along a tall white stucco wall for what seemed to be a mile. Then, at a gap in the wall, we slowed and then stopped at a pair of large wooden gates. A smiling face was waiting with clipboard in hand and waived us around a line and through what appeared to be tight security. They obviously knew I was coming. With a few long deep breaths, I tried to forget about the boy's face behind the glass and focus instead on my own great fortune. I was finally there, safe and sound, to be with my Master in this special holy place.

Inside the gates it was like another world. Everyone was dressed, there were no cows, no blaring horns, and there no one was squatting near the curb. Even the air felt cleaner. My eyes slowly stopped stinging and there was a quiet hush occasionally broken by a muffled laugh or the song of a bird. It felt peaceful. It felt like I had just passed through the pearly gates and landed in heaven. And I knew my Master would be there and I'd get to see him.

I had arrived about 3 days before the festival began so I could complete my project and then enjoy the program. The cab driver drove me deep into the site and dropped me off in front of my quarters. It was a walled in, motel-like facility with about 30 rooms, its own private kitchen, and semiprivate bathrooms shared between two adjacent double rooms. Apparently I had been upgraded to this premier location built primarily for elite Westerners who were either important staff, major donors, or personal guests of Rawat himself. The motel compound was staffed by teams of Indian premies who stayed busy cooking, constantly sweeping and cleaning, and gratefully catering to these important visitors all in the name of service. After unpacking my bags and a solid hour of badly needed meditation, I decided to go for a long walk to explore and get the lay of the land.

Inside the walls, the site was basically divided in half and organized into different areas. One side was for the Westerners and more wealthy Indian premies. On this side there were various campsites with tents and others with more permanent cottage style structures, obviously categorized by how much each cost to stay there. Some had much nicer facilities than others. Service buildings of various types were clustered along the matrix of roads. Premies of diverse nationalities, skin tone, and dress were busy settling in or just walking around. It also contained the original Ashram which was inhabited by Mahatmas with shaved heads still wearing those full length orange robes. In the middle of the site on the highest ground and behind the tallest white walls, was Rawat's residence. Premie guards patrolled both gated entrances so it was difficult to even peak inside. I took note however, knowing that the next day I would be ushered right through those same gates and maybe even have a chance to see or talk to Maharaji himself.

Behind the residence was a gigantic open field amphitheater with a large stage on one side, where the programs would be held. Just past that was the other side and the largest part of the entire site. It was a massive expanse of acreage crawling with tens of thousands of Indian premies, dozens of huge colorful tents, scattered cooking fires, and permanent rudimentary restroom facilities.

But amid all the bustling activity and the aroma of simmering vegetable curry what really caught my attention were the Alters. Right in the middle of the roadways and at frequent intervals along the way, were massive elaborate compositions of flowers, beads, and pictures of varying sizes of Rawat in all his glory. It just seemed strange. There I was at the absolute peak of my Premie career and the sight of all those Alters stopped me in my tracks. On the Western side; no Alters. But on this side, they were the single most prominent feature. And as I observed the Indian premies as they approached the Alters, many would lay down motionless in the road in full pranam. Others would bow their heads, mumble a prayer, or carefully place a personal offering.

Here I was 30 years later and it was a complete throw back to the old days when Rawat first came to the West. Over on this side, Rawat was still the all powerful Maharaji, Lord of the Universe, incarnation of God. But back on the other side he was simply Mr. Prem Rawat; teacher, humanitarian, and philanthropist. The duplicity of it was shocking. As I stood staring at one particularly intricate Alter, I remember struggling to rationalize the 30 year transformation that I had witnessed and been so actively involved with. What happened? If he was really the Lord, why hide it? If he really was all powerful, why adjust his image to conform to acceptable cultural standards? Why was it OK to publicly worship him in the 70's and 80's in the West but not now? Should I bow down right here in the road or not? Is it just about appropriate behavior or is there really any substance here?

As I walked back to my side of the site, I remember feeling troubled. My mind was trying to carefully fit these two incongruent pieces together and it was not so easy. Maybe if I adjusted those pieces a bit or looked at it differently it would make some sense. But maybe those details about Alters, ceremony, image, right and wrong, might be better left alone. Its only my mind that's trying to make sense of this. Knowledge is universal so none of it really matters. After all, it was just the beginning of the festival and I'd be all right. There were 4 days of events, lots of service, and I'd soon be inside Rawat's residence and maybe even get to see him. Some things weren't meant to be understood, at least by me. Besides, when Rawat is ready and he reveals himself for who he really is, it won't matter anyway. A little more meditation might be a good idea.

Looking back on this, its not that difficult to understand the temporary but blazing success of Rawat and the cult in the West. For Rawat, it was easy to be the Perfect Master in India. He was set up by his father as the one who's come to save the world. He had instant credibility in a culture where that idea fit perfectly with hundreds of thousands of eager and willing devotees. Where gurus are in large supply and mostly just a commodity, Rawat the Child Guru who was handed the torch by his Father, had a slightly different spin. Festivals with decent meals, cleanliness, and order, must be seen as a welcome diversion to the harsh conditions many experience in India. Who knows how many of those millions of premies in India were there for the food.

Rawat landed in the West at the perfect time to piggyback his dogma before a gullible generation in the throws of a profound countercultural period of adjustment. There were revolutions going on in values, civil rights, politics, religion, music, sex, war, hair, education, personal identity, and drugs. But just beneath the surface of all that cultural change and transition there was a deep, almost communal search for meaning and truth. We were hungry for spiritual truth and especially the spiritual experience he promised. His particular presentation offered the whole package and was tailor made for our specific generation. It fit perfectly for a while until most of us grew out of it. Rawat has continuously and unsuccessfully attempted to refit his message ever since the original Perfect Master, Child Guru schtick, lost its glow.

For the premies who are left, they just can't bear to take an honest look at reality. They have too much invested emotionally, intellectually, or even economically to admit its all a scam. They must continue to deny Rawat's lies, pretend fairy tales really do come true, or make believe that the good old days will return with Rawat claiming his rightful place on the throne in front of all mankind. It really was just magical thinking. We wanted to believe in it so badly, we glossed over the details and ignored the true facts. I guess all I can say is that some people might not ever grow up.

6th June 2011 - Universal Truth?

"In the name of truth, he forces them to conceal the truth"…..

Thanks Lakeshore. Your post really sums it up. Of course I have a whole lot more to say about that trip and will get to it when I have a chance. But the contrast and hypocrisy of the 2 halves of Rawat's world were so overwhelming that when I started to write about it, that's all that came out!

Besides, seeing that little boy and being exposed to the Indian caste system, really got me thinking about the stratified layers of premies within the cult. Rawat only associates with the "higher class" premies of his choosing and avoids those he considers "untouchables". Then to prop up his own tarnished image, he starts a foundation with other people's money, and with cameras rolling, tosses a bone to the starving masses.

It really is unimaginable. What a piece of shit.

11th June 2011 - worse yet….

"his blatant classism, for lack of a better term, and his tacit support of it is equally, if not more hypocritical and inconsistent with his so called "message." In my opinion, he has always treated the (vastly shrunken) masses of premies like the unwashed, the "untouchables." "

Once again Lakeshore, you have verbalized and completed my thought exactly as I was trying to express it. The stark contrasts I experienced in India reflect the deepest values that drive Rawat and the subsequent structuring of his cult. Add his sociopathic personality, featuring insatiable greed, manipulation and control, and total self absorption, to his foundation of twisted human cultural values, and look what we get! The more we peel back the thin, delicate layers Rawat carefully hides behind, the uglier, more deceptive, and hypocritical he becomes!

(message to premies; for your own preservation and the benefit of all mankind, please wake up now and move on. btw; we are not the ones who are stuck.)

11th June 2011 - worse yet….

Great example Lesley! But I'd bet almost all those who hold the reins of a horse, actually care about that horse. Rawat could care less about any of the premies other than what he can get out of them (us). No oats, no rub down. When I left, nobody even bothered to find out what happened to me. There was a 2 year period where I stopped showing up, stopped doing personal service for him, or even giving money. That was before I became active here. Its like Rawat assumed he had just used me up and wrung me dry, so it must be time to cast me aside.

(note to premies; if he did that to me he will do that to you. take off those blinders before its too late. if you are still waiting for Rawat to reveal himself for who he truly is, guess what; he already has!)

13th June 2011 - That circle is getting smaller…

"But it was mostly the same people, only with different roles now. He kept continuity by using the same people through the years. You look around and the same people are still there so it must be ok."

Interesting observation Jool and right on target. Part of Rawat's strategy is to limit exposure to himself to reduce the chances that someone who knows too much might defect and start to talk. He has become more cautious over the years as insiders have gone public about his dubious behavior. It must be getting almost impossible for Rawat to trust anyone new around him. I hope my posts have made him even more suspicious about letting premies get close. At one point he trusted me implicitly, got reckless, and now look what happened. And I've got plenty more to say.

14th June 2011 - That circle is getting smaller…

Thanks Jool! You're right. When I first left it was like wandering around lost in a fog for 2 full years. Then I finally got the nerve to put up my first post. Writing that post was absolutely terrifying. My finger was literally shaking as I pressed "send". Then, after I saw that post right there on the internet, I felt an overwhelming mixture of feelings I can't even begin to describe.

Besides the internal turmoil of actually betraying Rawat along with my entire lifetime of beliefs, I was scared shitless. In fact, I really thought a band of premies with pitch forks and torches would show up at my door, drag me out of my house, and beat me to a pulp. After my second post, I remember frantically pacing around an empty parking lot waving my arms at the clouds and sky, babbling "what?, why?, god, jeeeezzus, help me!"

I still have twinges of guilt, fear, and remorse, but they are quickly overpowered by a sense of total relief for having escaped. Sometimes I look over my shoulder for no apparent reason, then shake my head to fend off invisible demons. Most of the time though, I'm really happy, and have a new and fresh appreciation of people with all their unique special qualities and even natural flaws and weird tendencies. Guess before, I only thought there were two types of people; premies and all the rest of humanity. What a shallow way that was to live.

15th June 2011 - That circle is getting smaller…

"I am actually surprised that you haven't heard from people, or that people haven't tried to talk you back into it etc. Or that you haven't heard from Maharaji himself."

I'm thinking this goes right to the fragile isolationism that Rawat depended on to attract and then entrap premies. The cult is contained within a bubble that stays inflated by the belief in Rawat's divinity. Its still working in India as evidenced by all those altars, and in the West by the old premies who still desperately clutch at that belief. But any deviation is a deadly threat that must be immediately neutralized or safely disposed of before it punctures the bubble. That was me; kind of like a sharp pin bouncing around inside the bubble. It was best to just expunge the thing.

23rd June 2011 - Addicted to love?

Reminds me of an incident at a program which was quite unpleasant at the time but now very revealing after reading your great post. I had a pretty decent assigned seat about 10 rows back but waited until nearly the last call, but still within a comfortable and safe time margin, to take my place. Lo and behold when I walked down the aisle to that seat, it was already taken. No problem I thought to myself, as I held a confirmation, with that specific row and seat number, firmly in my hand.

I politely asked the premie who was sitting in my seat to check and see if he may have sat in the wrong row by mistake. He gawked at me defiantly and proclaimed he wasn't moving for anything! An usher approached who had overheard this brief exchange and asked to see the gawker's ticket. He refused and again restated his full intent to remain in that seat no matter what. Another usher arrived and the situation was quickly escalating into a dramatic scene right before the program was to start and in full view of the entire auditorium of anxious premies eagerly awaiting their master.

The guy just sat there, rigidly stared straight ahead, and refused to move from that seat unless he was physically ejected. I can still vividly remember the horrifying look on his face; jaw locked, grimacing with determination to extract all the bliss he could from that event, and nothing, including honor, integrity, or common decency, was going to stop him! I just walked away and sat somewhere near the back of the hall and shrugged the whole thing off as "lila" or "wasn't meant to be", or "I didn't deserve the seat anyway", or "gee Maharaji never ceases helping me learn tough lessons", or ………. Good grief.

1st July 2011 - We are not worthy…..

Prem Rawat dressed as the Lord of the Universe

Looks like he's choking and trying to loosen that nasty tight collar on his requisite God outfit. Must be tough having to wear that thing. Guess he goes through all that physical suffering and sacrifice for our benefit. True mercy and compassion. What a great Guru.

2nd July 2011 - Why only 64?

Addressing the huge audience, Shri Maharaj Ji said, "I am the complete Incarnation, having come with 64 divine powers.

Anybody got a list of those powers? what order do they occur? are some greater than others? can i just get one of them? ….. oh, sorry i must be in my mind.

2nd July 2011 - And one last burning question

What if he really only had 63? How would we know and what would we be missing with an "almost made it" satguru? (what a bunch of bs)

24th July 2011 - Re: It's even harder to explain

a classic example of how premies rationalize away the obvious…..

Thanks lakeshore. This statement made me think about how premies illogically rationalize the entire foundation of the cult including Rawat and the "experience" of Knowledge. It really is bizarre. Here's a conversation that went rattling through my mind as I began to discuss and unravel the issue with an imaginary premie:

  • Why are the 4 techniques kept so secret? Its a gift from Maharaji that a person must be properly prepared to receive.
  • By what power does Maharaji actually give this gift of Knowledge? He is a special teacher who was given the gift of giving this special gift to those who are properly prepared to receive it.
  • Where does his power come from, who else has it, and how would someone get that power? Dah??? can you please repeat the question…..
  • Sounds to me like you're saying he has special, unique, God-like powers. Is Maharaji God? Oh no, he's just…..blah, blah, blah….

25th July 2011 - Genuine fulfillment?

This thread reminds me of how the entire cult revolves around Rawat's self promoting and self absorbed egotistical nature. Rawat's campaign of terror is designed to simply suck vulnerable, weak minded, or gullible premies into his web of deceit. He reminds me of a black hole that completely absorbs anything that gets too close to it. Behind the misty smokescreen of love, peace, and fulfillment, is a trap where Rawat gains control of innocent victims then takes whatever he can get from them. In return he parcels out the techniques and sets in motion a divide and conquer strategy to split premies in half, pitting one side of themselves against the other. This struggle becomes a life long effort within premies to replace their own conscience and identity with an obsessive need to blindly follow Rawat so he will be pleased.

I vividly remember sitting motionless at my post behind the wheel of my car waiting earnestly for Rawat to arrive. Every thought was directed towards pleasing him, which included suppressing my own mind while latching on to each breath as it flowed in and out. I'd sit quietly, waiting patiently, while trying to purge myself of my own identity and dissolve all feelings or concerns about my own well being. I really came to believe my entire existence was made possible by Rawat, so I could nobly serve him and therefore please him, and he would then be pleased with me. My reward would be to melt into a transcendental state of awareness where nothing else really mattered and the critical mind would no longer be necessary. My mind would hopefully become a vestigial part of myself that could be summoned on demand if needed to perform some basal analytical task involving service to Rawat.

Sometimes I'd be reasonably successful and bask in the satisfied glow of knowing I'd done well and moved closer to my goal of permanently eliminating any residue of myself. Rawat would be pleased. But there was always a rebound effect where my mind would return with a delayed vengeance and reassert itself. Along with its return would come feelings of guilt and failure that I had now slipped and Rawat would be disappointed with me. I had failed again and would have to beg him to come to the rescue and help me regain my focus. It would take a heavy dose of extra practice, more service, or better yet, a darshan program, to pull me out of it. With the highs and the lows and all those struggles in between, it was always about Rawat and my continual obsession to suppress myself while focusing on pleasing him. Now I know that's exactly how Rawat wanted it. That way I'd be well conditioned and prepared to do his bidding, give him what he wanted, and make supporting his comfort and welfare my top priority. It was perfectly set up for a parasitic relationship. I had become conditioned to want to be sublimely useful to him, while at the same time, he wanted to use me for all he could get.

30th July 2011 - Abuse and control

Thanks Ocker, I was just explaining how it was for me and how it was and still is for a lot of premies, including "lifers", major donors, and those on the inside who are close to Rawat. Rawat strategically sets in motion a process of self abuse within the minds of his closest followers. And whether its believable or not, this is exactly how Rawat wants it so he can remain in complete control of them.

4th August 2011 - Rawat's PR team?

I remember doing stuff like that when I was in my early 20's, full of youthful energy and big ideas to help improve the world. But now in my late 50's and with easy access to information on the internet, the idea of manning a booth at some kind of new age event just seems horrific; no matter what I might be trying to peddle. Especially an outdated, lying, hypocritical guru, who has nothing to offer except some kind of vague promise that he can deliver a non existent permanent state of fulfillment that i had failed to realize myself!

10th August 2011 - Final Arrival

It started out like a routine arrival. After long hours of intense preparation, I finally overheard the radio transmission from the waiting room at the hanger. Gulfstream tail number N54PR was about 30 minutes out. With great anticipation, I took one last long, deep, silent breath, and pushed my body up from the chair. Every muscle and fiber was called quickly to full alert while I remained immersed in the swirling comfort of complete surrender. Once through the doorway, I made my way to the Mercedes and slid confidently behind the wheel. Ignition; check, mirrors; check, temperature; check, music; check, lighting; check, bottled water; check….., all systems; check.

With both hands gripping the wheel, I slowly edged the car into position. I had scouted out the perfect parking space to be in full view of the plane as it taxied towards its final resting spot. I took a few more deep breaths to numb all thoughts, with nothing left but the longing to be with him. That was all that mattered; for all time, all space, and for all eternity. Nothing and everything was put in motion only for this moment. And here I was, about to be alone with him. There was no way I could begin to understand the blessings and great fortune that put me here. So, I let that go too, along with all other thoughts and feelings. Just be present and alive and evaporate into a misty cloud of pure gratitude.

The plane pulled to a stop and sat there for several interminable minutes. Nothing happened. Something wasn't right. Usually things moved very quickly when he arrived. More long minutes passed by. Finally the door slowly opened and the copilot released the stairs. They folded down with the last step resting on a red carpet on the tarmac. Again, nothing else happened. I stared impatiently at the open door and the waiting stairs for several more long minutes. Then suddenly Monica, his traveling companion for this trip, appeared and paused at the top of the stairway. She stood there briefly, adjusting her skirt and tight, low cut blouse with her blonde hair tossed by the breeze. She waltzed down each step, full figured, self-assured, towards the limo that waited off to the side for the guests. She disappeared inside the limo and then it slowly pulled away.

More long minutes passed. Ten, then twenty minutes. A full half an hour went by. It felt like forever. My eyes remained fixated on that open door. Finally, there he was, standing at the top of the stairs tightly gripping the handrails on either side of the landing. But something wasn't right. Patrick, his valet, stood close behind and seemed to coax him to move forward and down the steps. I wondered solemnly and with grave concern if my Master was all right. Never had I seen him look so small and weak. He proceeded hunched forward, with Patrick bringing up the rear, to help stabilize each step. As they approached the car I held the door open, and with a wave of my hand guided him towards the back seat. He stumbled a bit, bumped into me, then brushed past as he nearly fell into place and slid half way over to the middle. Patrick quickly closed the door behind him and jumped in the front passenger seat. I returned to my driver's position and with one last safety check and security scan, locked the doors, put the car in gear, gently squeezed my foot to the gas pedal, and headed towards the exit.

After passing through the security gate I finally offered a warm, friendly greeting, then paused anxious for his reply. Silence. Patrick with his head deliberately turned away from me, stared quietly out the window at the moving pavement. He looked tense and concerned. More silence. I hesitated to speak another word and then glanced in the rear view mirror to get a brief look at my Master. He sat slumped slightly forward, bracing himself with both hands at his sides with his open palms pressing hard on the seat. He was blankly looking at the floor and seat backs in front of him, and seemed oblivious to his location or surroundings.

As I began to vaguely understand what was happening it became increasingly more difficult to process the situation. Part of me began to comprehend the obvious; my Master, Maharaji, Lord of the Universe, who I fully believed was God Himself in a physical body, was sitting there thoroughly drunk in the back seat of my car. But at the same time, that explanation was simply unacceptable, no matter how true it might be. It just seemed impossible, or at least I didn't want to believe it. That conclusion completely challenged the entire foundation of my beliefs. So I tried to mentally fabricate an alternative explanation, while at the same time, trying not to think at all. I desperately needed to engage my mind and come to terms with what was happening, but all my years of conditioning and training were screaming at me not to. I knew it would be inappropriate to say anything or even ask what was wrong. If he was that drunk, I was certain I'd be expected to just overlook it and pretend not to notice. It really wasn't any of my business and besides, he could do whatever he wanted without having to ever explain himself to any of us mere mortals. If he needed any help, surely Patrick would have said something. So I cautiously didn't mutter another word while trying to safely and smoothly drive the car.

The silence thickened, then suddenly a garbled, cackling sound came from the back seat. He was muttering to himself, trying to formulate some kind of verbal expression, but then out of nowhere he simply began to laugh out loud. The hollow sound of that laugh against the sullen quiet background inside the car rang through the air. But it wasn't the kind of laugh that made others want to join in. It wasn't a hardy ha ha kind of laugh or even a laugh that had any reference to something truly funny. Instead, it was a twisted, resentful, superior, haughty kind of laugh. He wasn't really laughing about anything. He was laughing at something or at someone. I glanced at him again through the rear view mirror. His eyes were glazed, red faced, and he was mouthing soundless words, while laughing hysterically, absorbed in his own private joke. He sat there on the edge of the seat, giddy with self-delight, laughing senselessly, but only to himself.

Then through the fog of my gridlocked thoughts and suppressed emotions, I realized exactly what he found to be so very, very funny. It was a shocking realization, but undeniable in its crystalline clarity. What I so abruptly began to understand was not really funny at all. In fact it was stone cold sobering, and in stark contrast to the sloppy, reckless, and drunken behavior I was witnessing in the back seat. I had suddenly realized he was laughing contemptuously at those of us who tirelessly served him. He was laughing at me, while I was doing my absolute best to provide for his safety and comfort. He was laughing at everyone who held him in such high honor and trust, while he was able to behave with repugnant disgrace. He had tricked us all and gotten away with it. Now, in a drunken stupor, he just could not control himself and laughed in absolute victory, self-satisfied in his ability to willfully manipulate those he had coerced into servitude. He truly was the Master and they were his slaves. And they (me) didn't even know it. And that was very funny to him, in his condition, at exactly that moment in time.

It continued to be a strange couple of days. I remained horribly conflicted about what had happened while having absolutely no means to even begin to internally process it. So I tried to stuff any stray thoughts or feelings deep inside hoping they would dissolve away or some mystical explanation would surface at a more appropriate time. But it wasn't working. I was shaken up and struggled to get through the next few days as I remained in standby to cater to his every desire. Only I wasn't needed or asked for anything and anxiously waited alone in my hotel room, simmering in a quasi-meditative tangled state of confusion, for the duration of the trip.

Finally, it was time for the departure. I pulled the car up to the residence and stopped at the front door. This time he marched confidently up to the car, opened the door, sat down right beside me, and looked straight ahead. Patrick quickly jumped in the back seat, pulled the door shut, and we were off to the airport. Not a word was said for the entire 20 minute ride. When we arrived at the plane, he got out, walked away, and never looked back or said a single word. Stunned, I remained in the car until the plane had taken off and was a good 30 minutes out. Then I began the long drive home, lost in conflicting thoughts about what had just happened.

Nothing was ever the same. I began to feel a stirring from within that I couldn't suppress and couldn't deny. There were questions that needed to be answered and they weren't going away. There was a seed of doubt that had found its way inside of me. And while I tried to leave no room for it to grow, it was rampantly consuming more and more space within my mind. Was he really God in person or was he something less? Was he still worthy of being my Master? Or was it me who had it wrong and just needed to readjust? If I couldn't understand who he was, how could I find the right terms to define our relationship? And that laugh I had heard. Never had I heard a sound that had such an odd but distinctive meaning to it. There was something that was said in that laugh that was undeniably true.

Part of me had begun to look at things differently. I was haunted by that hollow but piercing laugh. At the same time and after over 30 years of training, the conditioned part of myself was full of denial, determined to neutralize this confusion, and return to a state of focused devotion. I was torn apart but tried not to feel or admit it. But I had to know more about this strange side of my Master I had followed for most of my life. Was he a Master of perfection as I fully hoped and believed him to be? Or was he just a Master of deception with a bad drinking problem? The more I looked at it, the more disturbed I became. I realized that he was neither of those Masters but he was definitely a drunk. And from that final realization, a deeper pain began to settle in as I slowly understood the truth of the situation; he really was just a Master of nothing at all and I had simply been a fool to follow him.

18th August 2011 - when? - "year of our lord" 2007 (NT)

19th August 2011 - Beware the forum…..

This month is the 10th anniversary of the coordinated attack by the cult in ex-premies, with the posting of the "Citizens Against Cyberstalking" website. It seems like yesterday. Hard to believe so much time has passed.

Actually Joe, I missed out on all of that. Must have had my head so far up Rawat's ass i never knew this was happening. (sorry about the blunt and somewhat profane language but that's the best way i could quickly describe my own pitiful state of absolute delusion.) My guess is most other mainstream premies had no idea about any of it either and that any assault on the forum was a targeted and coordinated effort by a loosely organized group of insiders. There was also a subtle but well communicated back channel message that all truly devoted premies should avoid any reference or god forbid exposure to the forum.

19th August 2011 - Beware the forum…..

There was nothing like an announcement at a program, a formal phone tree message, or any mention on one of those horrific conference calls. It was all word of mouth back channel communication sauced up with "premie speak" verbage and tonality. But I clearly remember a few well placed comments from selected honchos and hench men, particularly Mankoff. It was casually mentioned, that a group of renegade former premies who had succumbed to their minds, were maliciously degrading our beloved Rawat on the internet. Suggestions were pointedly offered that under no circumstances should I even attempt to take a peek at that drivel. After all, one could never be too cautious in keeping the mind at bay and any exposure could be contagious. As I'm thinking back on this now, I can remember one specific interaction that I had effectively brushed off. In so many words I was being asked and screened to see if I'd been to the site, while at the same time indirectly told not to. There was an implied message (threat) that if I wanted to maintain my position of extreme privilege, I should avoid the site at all costs.

19th August 2011 - Helping Hand

Hi OT. Always appreciate your posts but as you can probably tell, I'm still pretty mucked up in my own cult residue. Every day feels a little better as I distance myself further and further away from the wreckage. There's still a long way to go but with help from the forum, at least I know I'm heading in the right direction.

Glad to hear you've moved on and thanks for checking back in. As I'm working through all this and coming to terms with my own 34 years of self imposed captivity, it means a lot to know that folks like you are out there offering support and encouragement. So thanks again and thanks to everyone else for providing an escape route and for reaching out with a helping hand.

27th August 2011 - Human wasteland

Rawat's Compound

It really is a pitiful place if you think about it; paid for by coercion, fraud, lies, and deceit, inhabited by a miserable, disfunctional family plagued by infidelity and addiction, managed by a crew of psychologically enslaved and mentally handicapped servants, patrolled by security to ward off past victims and deranged followers, encased in a shell of gluttony and materialistic excess, all in the name of spirituality and devotion to an almighty, living, perfect God of love and peace.

28th August 2011 - Re: mentally handicapped?

Imagine being sequestered within the compound for over 25 years; cut off from family, friends, and your own past, sacrificing every dream and desire, with only filtered access to the outside world. You report exclusively to a horribly flawed and unreasonably demanding "Boss" who you believe has God-like power and must be adored, feared, and silently prayed to for your own continued existence. Total dependence and unquestionable obedience defines your every thought, feeling, and action. You must practice abstinence and self denial and repress any stray twinge of feeling or emotion. At the same time you aspire to liberation granted only upon the whim of your ever dominating and overbearing master. You tenuously relish your own great fortune, but have witnessed dozens of others evaporate as they succumbed to their own inadequacies. The same fate awaits and continuously lurks in the shadows if your guard is dropped or you choose to deviate for even an instant. You internally wonder what you have missed, and all the while believe that there is no way out without the risk of eternal self destruction.

28th August 2011 - Fundamental essence

What I'm describing ocker is the fundamental essence of Knowledge; the true substance of what's at the core of Rawat's cult and the effect that it has on someone who consumes it in a truly toxic dose. Its kind of like guzzling grain alcohol as compared to sipping white wine. I believe its important to expose the molecular structure of the cult to help gain a better understanding of its watered down version. And for the record I never personally looked down at anyone or compared their effort to mine. I was too focused on my own practice of Knowledge to care about how someone else was coming along. (And off the record, I am beginning to find your arrogantly phrased comments and assumptions about me completely unnecessary and disrespectful.)

31st August 2011 - False Sense of Security

"is security really there to ward off "past victims" and "deranged followers?"…..I do believe though that security is there because of Rawat's paranoia not because they are actually needed."Ocker

Rawat has at least 2 and sometimes 3 full time uniformed guards on shift duty 24 hours a day. There is only one entrance into the compound which sits a quarter of a mile away from the main house. Its secured with an electric sliding steel gate and a state of the art "Command Center" Guard House where the guards congregate. Dozens of cameras scan the entire property with panels of multiple video screens which are constantly monitored live, by the guards. The entire compound is surrounded by a foot path which the guards patrol every hour. All of the underbrush is cleared at least 50 and in some cases 100 feet down hill from the path for clear visibility.

No one gets through the guards without being screened. The visitor's name and specific purpose must be on a guest list which is tightly controlled and only a couple of specific staff members have the authority to add a name to that list. Visitors must present a current picture ID and I wouldn't be surprised if they were subject to complete background checks. All the doors and windows are bugged and limited access areas are protected by motion detectors.

Even getting to the compound is extremely difficult. The mile long road up the hill to "Anna Capa View Estates" where Rawat's compound is located is narrow, treacherous, and its easy to see any vehicle driving up there from a long ways away. Any of the neighbors could look out their window and see who's coming up the hill. At the entrance to the ACV Estates there is another steel gate where any visitor to any of the residents must have the gate code or be let in after being screened on an intercom. From that gate its another half mile along a winding road to Rawat's entrance and Guard House.

Security is way overdone if its there just to protect Rawat's privacy and it would not be easy to rob or infiltrate that place for any criminal purpose. (even if current levels of security were dramatically reduced.) There have been some whacked out premies who camped out in the surrounding underbrush just to be nearby in hope of doing service or to get a close look at him. I know there is vigilant concern that one of those over-exuberant premies could make their way inside. Whatever the specific rationale, security is probably ramped up to an absurd level as another symptom of Rawat's grandiosity and false sense of self importance. The funny thing is that even all that Security can't keep him from being exposed right here!

31st August 2011 - Re: False Sense of Security

Thanks Marianne, I used to think about how fortunate I must be to get so close to Rawat; now I think about how fortunate I must be to have found my way out. How does a person make sense out of that?

2nd September 2011 - Depth of the delusion…

Funny thing is that most of the major donors who give Rawat all of his spending money, do know about it! In fact, many of them have been there multiple times for parties or major donor events. They give him gobs of money anyway, knowing full well its being spent to support Rawat's ridiculous and self indulgent spending habits. They believe he deserves it for who he really is (shhhhhh……) and as a token of their appreciation for all he has done for them and the rest of mankind. Does it get any more delusional?

6th September 2011 - Welcome!

Hi Walter! Glad you are chiming in and I'm sure that feels great. I read the forum for a long time before I just busted loose and started posting. That's when the dam really broke and I felt a tremendous surge of relief. The folks here have been fantastic and provided incredible support which I needed more than I was truly aware. So great to hear from you and a warm, healthy, welcome aboard!

8th September 2011 - Never mind the mind…..

"Every premie knew that "Knowledge" was "infinite" and could never be comprehended with something so imperfect and limited as the human mind and intellect."

Thanks Joe and great point Lakeshore. It really is hard to believe that in actuality, as premies we had been trained to use our intellect to try to neutralize that same intellect! All that programming was done through our minds to get us to believe we could disconnect our minds. Then after years of struggling to destroy my mind with my mind, some kind of eureka enlightenment was supposed to magically appear. And to think that I needed Rawat's help to win the struggle or if I was really lucky he would intervene on my behalf and speed up the process or just decide to zap me with enlightenment. I guess believing all that did provide some kind of comfort because it sketched out an all engaging, never ending, mentally consuming project that promised the perfect end result.

And Rawat and the other premies were there tirelessly cheering or intimidating everyone along while constantly reaffirming that the promised outcome was just around the corner. It truly did require a "willingness to deny reality". And the more a premie committed to this process, the higher their apparent level of success (or virtue) as measured by the standards within the cult. The whole thing is incredibly circular and spins round and round until everything outside the cult is just a blur. By that point reality itself has become a blur and the cult and the process have consumed and recreated all purpose and meaning in life. And there is nothing else left except the cult and there is no safe or easy way out except to fly out of that spinning circle and take a big chance that it will all be OK out there. Terrifying really, when I start to think about it like that. But man, am I ever glad I found the courage to let go and fly out of that spinning mess.

(Hey Dermot, how about sticking around; I'd miss you a lot plus this has got to be kind of fun at times. And there might be more folks out there like me or Walter who just need a little nudge to find their way out.)

10th September 2011 - Never told you this Dermot… but…..

Actually the idea of you leaving even temporarily, got me thinking about how much everyone here means to me. That thought took me back to the writing of my first post. So I sat down this morning and deeply reflected on that event, and began to relive the entire mental, emotional, and even physical trauma that I experienced during that time. Then I went back and reread my first post and all of the accompanying threads and comments from all of the exes. I remembered one in particular from you that I've copied below and will comment on more in a minute.

Wow! The date of that first post about Rawat drunk on the plane, was August 10, 2009; a little over 2 years ago. Its hard to put a finger on what it was that actually made me write that and post it on the forum. But after posting it, I kind of hovered around my computer waiting to see what everyone would say. There was an amazing mixture of comments. Some validated Rawat's bad behavior and told additional stories about his drinking, crazy driving, and sexual obsessions. Others raised questions about his use of co-pilots, FAA regulations, and the plane. Some raised doubts about my credibility which Mike and John quickly and neatly validated. And then there were a few strands in the thread that stirred up and extracted some deeply engrained and suppressed feelings and emotions, that were wonderfully and gently massaged to a more healthy state by kindly expressed posts. Looking back now, it was an amazing process that deeply and positively affected me in all kinds of ways. Honestly, it was my first full interaction with a group of people who seemed to understand me, ever, as a newly functioning adult. I had never before expressed any of my thoughts, questions, and doubts about the single most consuming, yet failed relationship, of my entire life; i.e. Rawat.

Since then, and as everyone has patiently witnessed, I have publicly expunged many of my own repressed feelings, pent up anger, frustration, sense of loss, regret, utter confusion, etc, through stories and various descriptions of my experiences with Rawat. Always, the result has been a more clear and deeper understanding of the significance and the profoundly deleterious effect of life within the cult. Simultaneously, I have felt my own humanity slowly stir and gradually awaken with a resulting indescribable and natural sense of relief. The process has been amazing and incredibly healing. So I want to express my thanks to everyone while emphasizing the importance and value of the forum to pitifully suppressed people like me.

Back to your comment Dermot, that asked me a question about some details of my first post:

"The time you refer to -- when he was drunk as a skunk and laughing incessantly and manically-- was anyone else in the car besides you and him?"Dermot

When I first read this a couple of years ago, it triggered a complete paranoid reaction, and I was almost paralyzed with fear. It had nothing to do with you or anything anyone else said. But I became haunted by the idea that you were a Rawat spy who read my post and was trying to find out more about what I knew and how much I'd say on the forum. In fact I even contacted John and Mike to confirm that it was OK to respond to your question. I eventually did reply, but still semi gridlocked by fear, I just told you I didn't want to talk about it. Eventually I worked through that fear to great personal benefit and as you can tell, I don't hold back anymore in my desire to expose Rawat with the truth. But without the forum who knows if or how I ever would have gotten through that. (Intense therapy might be an option, but it would take a huge investment of time, money, and always include the potential risk that it just wouldn't help!)

The point of isolating your comment is that none of us really knows how any of our posts might affect someone else who is out there struggling. A few well placed words or examples can really help or make an important difference in another person's life. My hope is that our posts continue to create an escape route for other premies who remain stuck in there. In addition, the forum can be an amazing place to experience some healthy interactions and real personal healing. Scrolling down, there were over 430 reads of my last story called Final Arrival. I just have to believe that some of those were premies who may be feeling the uncomfortable pulse of doubt within themselves beginning to quicken. So, I want to emphatically affirm and express the magnitude of impact this forum can have. And at the same time, I encourage you and others to stick around and keep posting, even its a simple comment or thumbs up. There are still many out there like me who need the gentle help and rehabilitation that the forum uniquely provides.

26th September 2011 - Maharaji speaks

Thanks for posting this OT, even though I couldn't make it past the first few minutes. I used to think all those smacking noises Rawat made when he talked was the sound of him gurgling nectar. Rather than be annoyed by that sound, I had convinced myself that because of his divinity he just sort of always involuntarily sloshed around gobs of nectar in his mouth. The result being that very audible smacking sound evident in this video.

Back then I figured he must have a hard time functioning in the world because of all that light and music swimming around inside his head. Plus he was vibrating in tune with Holy name which caused him to sit there kind of stiff, channeling words spoken directly from God. Actually, now that I no longer believe in Rawat's divinity, that smacking sound is truly annoying. And my guess is, in contrast to the idea of sloshing nectar around in his mouth, its more likely a result of dehydration from alcohol abuse.

26th September 2011 - Damaged one way or the other…..

I never did move into an ashram and for some unknown reason, gutted it out as a "householder". The guilt was unbelievable and many times I felt like I was wasting my life. I secretly aspired to the total surrender of the ashram and constantly beat myself to a pulp. But I stayed in college for four more years after receiving Knowledge and got a graduate degree which led to a pretty successful career. Besides, I was constantly involved in propagation on campus and organized dozens of introductory satsang programs. That led to a bunch of students receiving Knowledge which helped relieve my guilt and gave me an alternative purpose and excuse to stay out of the ashram. Later, after the ashrams closed, I felt somewhat validated and rationalized the whole thing by believing that by Rawat's grace I had followed my heart.

My economic losses caused by the cult came after my career started to generate a pretty healthy income. That's when I began to donate a lot of money to Rawat. In fact I soon found myself in a unique position where Chuck Nathan was calling and thanking me on behalf of Rawat. Suddenly I was being invited to parties at the residence, special meetings for small groups of major donors, and constantly encouraged to increase my donations. So I did; probably on some level to relieve the residue of guilt I felt by rejecting the ashrams. But becoming Rawat's driver was the icing on the cake. When I was in that role, I felt like all my decisions had been magically made for me, to fulfill that single moment of destiny. All the money, sacrifice, and effort, was well worth it, having arrived at the pinnacle of good fortune.

Initially the ashrams provided the path to the promise of peace and enlightenment. Perhaps after they closed, the path was quietly changed to the major donor program. Either way, Rawat's predatory and manipulative methodology left a trail of damaged and exploited premies in his wake. Anyone who got involved in the cult was probably damaged to some degree. Those who are still stuck in the cult, must feel compelled to send a check, go to a program occasionally, or at least visit the website or glance at a video, to feel like they haven't abandoned all contact. Their connection has probably been reduced to a few minor obligatory activities to relieve that original guilt and keep one foot in the door just in case it did turn out to be true after all.

28th September 2011 - Re: yes, it's an interesting one

I have personally known 4 people who appear to be totally lacking a conscience. They all see others as inanimate objects to be used and manipulated for their own benefit. They all try to carefully mask their devious behavior to avoid being exposed. Its all somewhat of a game where they try to gain at the expense of others, try not to get caught, and feel no shame or remorse for any resulting damage or injury. Those of us with a conscience just cannot even begin to understand this type of behavior. I've learned to try to recognize people like this and avoid them at all costs. Rawat is a prime example.

28th September 2011 - Major donors; status and pecking order.

I can't specifically remember all the different levels, categories, and qualifications of the Major Donor Group. But a premie could definitely buy in. It seems like $2,500 a year was the entry level. Then it went up to $5,000, $10,000, $20,000, $50,000, and above. All of this was tracked by Yurim and Mankoff who were assigned to follow up and encourage those on their list to continue and increase their donations. There were regular one hour conference calls that followed a routine format where the first half hour was some story or snippet about Rawat. Then the second half hour was to explain about some new project or reason for everyone to send in more. These calls were excruciatingly painful but I felt obligated to participate. They knew who was on the call and who wasn't. Not being on a call threatened one's status. There was continuous pressure to enhance one's status in the pecking order by giving more money.

Those who gave the most money got the best seats at programs. The tickets were sometimes personally handed out by Mankoff and Yurim or else each Major Donor's name was carefully assigned a specific seat on a meticulously prepared seating chart. At multiple day programs there were usually scheduled Major Donor events and dinners. Rawat was supposedly invited but rarely if ever showed up. The expectation that he might just decide to drop by if we were diligent in our longing, kept the attendance levels high. Raja ji, Charanand, the Brogans, and other ring leader types would add some celebrity charm and hype to these events. Sometimes premies were asked to get up and gush all over the microphone about how great and deserving Rawat was and how pitiful and shallow were we. I'm actually now regretfully embarrassed to admit that I did that once at a program in Miami to a warm round of applause and appreciation.

Then there were the invitation only parties at the residence. Premies were bused up the hill to the residence from Trancas Market, signed in by security, and directed to the front lawn or driveway area for a reception. There was always a bar set up with light hors d'oerves. Premies mingled about for an hour or so and then Rawat would make a grand entrance often with Marolyn along for added effect. Despite being asked to avoid gawking or mobbing Rawat, the premies would instinctively close in around him. He would single out those he knew personally and jokingly chide or embarrass them about their appearance or odd character trait and move on to the next. After about 30 minutes, he'd disappear back into the house. Everyone felt special, the checkbooks came out, some premies would get sloppy drunk, and then it was over. At International events like in Amaroo and India, special housing and meal arrangements were available to the Major Donors, with the same emphasis on status and pecking order. My guess is that it continues like this today only with fewer premies who cling desperately to the same old hope that any of it really matters at all.

29th September 2011 - Re: What are the Qualifications to be a ring leader type?

Right about Yoram/Yurim; same guy spelled it wrong. The Brogans are Shawn and Barbara who were high up the book buyer pyramid and very active as somewhat unofficial leaders of the Major Donor group. Barbara was also Chairman of the Board for EVI (i believe). No official qualifications except favored by Rawat, donated tons of money, rubbed elbows with the active donors, and wanted to fire up the group to give more.

30th September 2011 - Re: yes, it's an interesting one

Its the lack of remorse that sticks out as the primary defining quality, as I think back about my interactions with these people. I personally don't want to hurt anybody whatever I'm involved with and most of us don't. There is a feeling of empathy or sympathy for those who suffer and I feel some sense of shame or guilt if someone is hurt by my actions or even unthoughtful words. But these people lack that singular quality and therefore have a free pass to harm anyone in any way as long as they don't get caught. It really is a game to them.

It took me a long time to understand that there is a segment of the population that is wired this way, but it makes complete sense. Looking at despots in history or in the present day, sociopathic killers, kids who torture animals, and predators like Rawat, they all seem to have this common missing piece. Even in the courts during sentencing, the penalty is often inversely related to the sense of remorse of the perpetrator. Its a sign of their potential to be rehabilitated. With remorse comes hope that a person could emerge from prison without being a continued threat to society. And then there are those who will never get it right because they totally lack a conscience. They will always pose a threat and society needs to be protected from them. AKA Rawat.

1st October 2011 - Re: Major donors; status and pecking order.

Good points Jool. It was unthinkable that any of us were worthy enough to be invited inside the actual house. Just to step foot inside the main security gate at the entrance was a supreme honor and a statement of special trust, privilege, and status. The front door to the house itself is perched up above a flight of majestic stairs and at the top are these gigantic antique hand carved wooden doors from India. They look like they are about 500 years old and salvaged from an ancient temple. We were allowed to gather down below in the driveway (motor court may be a more dignified word for it). It really is quite palatial in a way and behind those doors lies the inner chambers of the palace of the royal monarch himself. The major donors are like the aristocratic class positioned above the premie masses in the societal pecking order of the cult. Only the most elite personal staff, family members like Raja ji or Marolyn's parents, friends of the kids, or a rare specially invited guest, could ever go inside those massive intimidating wooden gates.

It really is disgusting to imagine how Rawat could subjugate an entire group of wealthy and successful people to cow down before him like that. Especially when its understood that most of the money to pay for it all was donated by these premies! And then he would have the nerve to parcel out these restricted "appearances", briefly saunter around among them, blatantly flaunting his self indulgence, while practically mocking their generosity and good will. And they would instantly fly back any time at his beck and call for more of that and feel thankful about it. Then to add insult to injury, even the wine and food that was served at these parties was pretty crappy. While inside those palace doors nothing less than $300 a bottle wine, caviar, and rare meticulously prepared delicacies were served, all paid for by these same donors who were relegated the cheap stuff. Rawat should be graciously thanking them for everything he has. But instead he's luxuriating in the spoils of his predatory, manipulative scam, right smack in the face of his victims.

3rd October 2011 - A warm welcome…..

Welcome and thanks for joining us here at the forum. It takes tremendous courage to make the leap and escape from Rawat's clutches. Its even more courageous to speak up and post. I formally ex'd about 2 years ago after 34 years as an extremely active premie and then 2 years of floundering around. Once I started posting and getting in touch with a bunch of deeply repressed feelings, that's when some real healing began. All of it is on the record here in the archives. So like Lakeshore, that's really where my Journey is written.

I was very close to Rawat personally and one of the toughest things for me was to come to terms with my feelings of betrayal concerning my friendship with him. I'm basically a very loyal and devoted person and take relationships built on trust very seriously. It really was tough to first just realize that my relationship with him was not what I thought. He was only in it for what he could get from me. It really hurt to finally recognize that and it was devastating to admit it to myself. But then to express some of the details publicly here, was even more painful and terrifying at first. Now that I've done it however I feel like it has helped me purge a lot of the residual emotional pain that I did not even know I had. Plus I hope its helped others like you to escape from the cult. Anyway, we would love to hear more about your story and I'm sure it would help you too. I found the folks here to be absolutely fantastic people; kind of like who we hoped we would become as premies.

4th October 2011 - Re: Non disclosure agreements

Never signed one or even heard of those agreements until I joined the forum. But what a dead give away that Rawat is a total fake. If he really did represent and embody the truth, as he so insisted we believe, what could he possibly have to hide? Plus this thing about keeping the intentions of a premie's will from their family? How deceptive is that??? It all blatantly adds up to a total scam designed to protect Rawat from exposure while he coerces premies to willingly give him their every last dime.

(btw, I still prefer to conceal my identity for a variety of personal reasons even though I'm sure Rawat and his goons know exactly who I am. So far no one from the cult has contacted me or threatened any sort of retribution.)

9th October 2011 - Re: The luxury Gulfstream 650 jet

"…..and seats 11-18 passengers depending upon the configuration."

Can't imagine Rawat needs more room for passengers. To protect his privacy he seemed to always prefer traveling with a small entourage. Guests other than Monica were extremely rare. The 550 had plenty of room and as I recall, more than adequate range. The only plausible reason to upgrade to a 650 must be his insatiable compulsion to spare no expense to indulge his greed with the latest and most grandiose currently available option. To spin this one as some necessary accessory to speed around the globe for propagation or as an ambassador for peace is a real stretch.

13th October 2011 - 4 years out after 34 in…..

It took me 2 full years of tortured internal struggle to break free enough to begin to post here. During that time I was torn to shreds with all kinds of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Now that I've been posting for another 2 years, some of these issues are finally starting to come into focus. Being kind of fresh out of a long and fully committed stay in the cult, but also still relatively newly settled in as an ex, I can see it both ways. Its as if I can just glance over my left shoulder and still see and feel what its like to be a premie. But when I look over the other shoulder, I can see how it might be to have developed as a normal person. Weird….. That's what I mean by complex but important. I really need to sit down for several hours, dig through those notes and hash this out. I don't have any answers but just feel like I've got a perspective I really want to lay out there. More to come. Thanks Itsleuth.

14th October 2011 - Re: Getting away and telling Rawat off

Can't imagine what it would take for a truly devoted premie to muster the courage to tell Rawat off. Its hard enough just to talk to him and not be concerned that you will say something wrong, inappropriate, or just plain screw up a rare opportunity. Most premies are totally incapacitated and dumbfounded in his presence. I remember on a few occasions I had thought about giving Rawat some "advise" about how to handle his business affairs. I'd stew on what and how I would say it for days. Then, after promising myself I was going to say it when I finally had the right moment, I just found myself totally incapable of even voicing the words. This happened over and over again. And they were great ideas and I'm normally very capable of expressing thoughts like those! It was totally baffling to observe myself wither and fold again and again when I actually got in his presence.

14th October 2011 - That feeling???

I never have been able to figure it out and I've never had that same feeling of being totally incapacitated around any other human being. Of course I always chalked it up to the fact that I completely believed Rawat was God and therefore God must have been internally restraining me from saying what I wanted to say. Then the thought would always quickly follow that it just wasn't meant to be and who was I to stick my nose where it didn't belong anyway. My job was to shut up and follow along. So most of the conversations I had with him ended up being very shallow. I witnessed this repeatedly not just with myself but with every other person I ever saw interact with Rawat. That's why its incredible to me that a true follower could ever challenge him let alone tell him off.

I can't say it was entirely a fear based reaction. I spent a lot of time with him alone over a 15 year time period, and learned to get really comfortable with that. We could chat it up about all kinds of superficial topics. But it felt like there was always some kind of invisible force that seemed to surround him and neutralize any potential comments that could question or oppose his absolute authority or control of the situation. It was extremely tangible and seemed to affect all the premies in exactly the same way. Someone outside the cult made a comment to me once about what it was like being around a truly charismatic person. I think he was talking about the former president of Poland who he had hosted while visiting the United States. He explained that there was an aura about the guy that seemed to follow him around; it was magnetic to some people and repelled others. That was the closest explanation I've heard that reminded me of being around Rawat.

Anyway, just an observation. I guess we could go around and around about whether it was a conditioned response, some kind of fear based reaction, entirely or partly caused by my own delusion, or if there is a charismatic force that exists in some people with Rawat being one of them. Maybe its a mixture of all of that. But throughout history and in the present there are some people out there who have a profound effect on others when in their presence. A lot of these types of people turn out to be very successful in their field whether its professional, political, entertainment, or even in the guru business. Although I would hate to admit Rawat was anything by a weak, puny, lying, cheating, fill in the rest of the blanks here, type of person, I can't deny that sensation I always felt around him and how it would repeatedly occur in exactly the same way.

16th October 2011 17:14:27 - That feeling???

I'm sure you are all correct about that. Guess it was all in my head but I wanted to throw that one out there to help clear it up in my own mind. It does show the powerful, numbing effect he can have on true believers; man I had it bad!

16th October 2011 20:45:14 - Re: Rationalization

Hi Itsleuth. First I want to say I really appreciate your posts and the insight and personal experiences you are sharing about Rawat. Thanks for being here! I've got a few thoughts about your ejection from the residence which may or may not be true, so here goes. Also, I still can't imagine how you ever came to terms with that. But, as I was thinking about whether it was the security guy or Rawat who booted you, my guess is it might have been Rawat himself. From what I could tell, the premies on the hill were pretty careful about following orders. Nobody would ever do something Rawat wouldn't want or that might possibly displease him in any way. Plus even though he tries to appear somewhat aloof and above it all when it comes to the details of decisions, he really is a micromanager. His style is to dish out terribly harsh criticism if he's not pleased, so that everyone else is hesitant to interject their own ideas or opinions. No one would ever want to be the recipient of the brunt of Rawat's wrath. The result is that there is an overtone of fear based paralysis and Rawat ends up being involved in almost everything by shear default!

Also, the delivery of the message by the premie, might have been a reflection of that same fear and paralysis. The premie was most likely just doing his job and probably forcing himself to stick to the facts while trying hard to avoid interjecting any of his own personal feelings. Just get it done. I can't imagine the feelings of rejection, guilt, and remorse I would have felt if I had been told to leave and not come back. That would have been like a death sentence ! (not exaggerating!) And it would have been hard for me, or any other premie with even a tiny remnant of normal feelings left, to be the guy who had to tell another premie they were banned. That premie was probably required to pass on the message or else risk just as potentially grim consequences for himself. And unless he was devoid of all feelings and emotions or just some kind of power monger himself, he probably just wanted to get the dirty job over with. Hence the lack of human=ness or understanding in the delivery. Plus, what if the guy had made an independent decision to kick you out and it wasn't what Rawat had wanted? He would have had to take the blame for that. Anyway just some thoughts. Not sure if they apply but that's my experience about how the system works up there.

16th October 2011 23:38:24 - That feeling???

"Can you imagine a superficial topic with a true holy person?"

I remember rationalizing that one by thinking, "ah… what a cool God we really have here! He has come with so much mercy that he actually has climbed down from the holy ethers to this mundane worldly level where he tells jokes about road kill and sex!"

There really was this sort of bizarre, unspoken code of understanding among Rawat's handlers and insiders, that he was simply above all scruples and decent moral conduct or behavior. He was so fully realized and above it all that when he just wanted to relax and play around in whatever manner seemed to suit his fancy at the time, well so be it. Who were we to question HIM or overlay our own ideas or concepts on the true creator of it all anyway. The world and the entire universe for that matter was his. He could do whatever the hell he wished while he chose to stop by. Besides, its not every moment in all of history that he decides to take on a body and slug it out down here with us. I shouldn't waste a single split second questioning him when my own precious time is ticking away. Instead I need to be reflecting on my great fortune to be with him and get back to the task at hand; my own practice of Knowledge and serving him completely in a state of complete and total surrender.

17th October 2011 08:05:49 - Re: Maybe without his knowing

"I never did experience him to be a micromanager at all. I always felt he would give a broad sweep of a direction and then step back and see how it was handled/done."

I agree and guess by micromanaging, I was trying to qualify that by explaining the way he would express his displeasure with results. Most effective managers understand that if they delegate something and avoid input on the front end, that fact needs to be considered when it comes to evaluating the outcome and determining accountability. Not so with Rawat. His expectations always were that he had to have things exactly how he wanted them to be. But if it didn't turn out that way, he would mercilessly blame someone else. His expectations and criticism about the details remained, even if he avoided being bothered to explain those same details on the front end.

That style is a reflection of arrogance and presumption. Rawat's innate feelings of absolute superiority translate into an expectation, assumption, and attitude where he takes it for granted that he should automatically get what he wants. It creates a high stakes guessing game for his subordinates where they learn to become gridlocked and paralyzed to take initiative. Because if they do and the result is not desirable to Rawat, there is all hell to pay for it. Or, as you so succinctly stated above; "if/when he hears about things that he is not happy with, he will do something about that."

17th October 2011 18:36:27 - Re: Fear can exist and not be conscious, I think

"I think fear can still be there and you might not be conscious of it. Because of it, people would see informality and familiarity with the person that is feared to be a great gift, a respite from the fear."

Great point Joe. Also, who knows what the hell I was really feeling with all that heavy breathing, self imposed mind control, sub-conscious programming, plus being plain old dazzled by sitting alone right there next to God. Agree he lacks true charisma and instead relies on subjugation through intimidation and a variety of layers and methods of inducing fear in his victims. Also agree that a true narcissist like Rawat knows how to expertly deceive and manipulate their victims.

19th October 2011 14:40:43- Re: Jasper, what kind of donations did you make?

And what entity did you make them to?

EVI or similar Rawat organization. Whoever I was told to make out the check to (can't remember all the names) and many times to Rawat personally.

Limosines at Amaroo? Really?

Yup, didn't ask for one but it was sent for me. Only, when I figured out it was for me and I saw a whole pack of premies waiting for a bus, I asked them all to pile in. They could not believe the "grace" and we ended up singing Lord of the universe has come to us this day or something like that (I'm embarrassed to say.)

And 3rd row seats? Who were in the first two rows?

Rawat's Family and Rawat's personal and family entourages and valets, residence staff if they were there, personal security staff, Raja Ji, Charanand, Mankoff, Yurim, Innergame Tim, Brogans, Pascottas, etc, a few of Rawat's old premie "friends", special guests like Marolyn's parents, the kids boy or girl friends, then the major donors in order from front to back and middle to the sides by decreasing dollar amount of their contributions.

19th October 2011 16:15:44 - Pecking order.

Pitiful but true nonetheless. And don't slack off or you'll be moving back or sideways!

19th October 2011 21:57:00 - Expectations and abuse.

"volunteer positions are expected to provide for all their own expenses"

The extra intangible and completely unaccounted benefits that premies provide for these efforts must add up to an enormous value for Rawat personally. Seems like many legitimate organizations try to track these as "in kind" donations so they can acknowledge the contributor and keep some records. Rawat however is completely thankless and just expects it!

I know as his driver, I was required to provide a perfectly maintained new luxury car or else I'd loose the privilege of doing that service to someone else. So during a 15 year time period I went through at least 5 extremely expensive luxury sedans including a BMW 750iL, a couple of S Class Mercedes, and a couple of A8's. Funny thing was he constantly complained about every single one of them except a fully loaded S500, silver with pewter interior, that he happened to like. I do vividly remember however, a comment he made about the windshield having too much slope that caused a bit of glare in certain types of lighting. He said it as if he alone knew better than all of those Mercedes' teams of professional engineers who obsessed for years about the design of that car!

After hearing him complain about several of these cars I finally mustered up the nerve to ask him what kind of car he would prefer. I fully intended to trade in what I had and just go get what he liked so he'd stop complaining. Of course he refused to tell me and instead rambled on in his trademark condescending way and then pontificated about what was right and wrong with each and every one. So I'd have to guess and go buy what I thought he might like the best. Then in typical Rawat fashion, after I bought that next new car, sure enough, he complained about it and mercilessly picked apart every imaginable flaw he could find!

As a premie, I just rationalized all that abuse as a way for him to teach me some incredible lesson that was beyond my capabilities to understand at the moment. Some day it would all make sense. He knew best anyway and who was I to question anything he might say. It was all his grace and mercy and I just needed to suppress those restless thoughts, frustrations, and emotions and accept his higher level of intelligence and understanding. God himself would know how to build a perfect car if he actually wanted to. So that of course gave him the right to complain all he wanted.

(please excuse me while I go puke)

20th October 2011 11:08:56- Re: WOW, Prem Rawat is an unmitigated asshole.

Actually I recounted all those luxury cars and I forgot about one so there were 6; none of which I would have chosen to get if I were buying a car for myself. Now I'm happy to drive my old 6 cylinder 1992 toyota land cruiser with really broken in seats and peeling paint! Wish I had all that money back.

20th October 2011 13:30:03 - put into context…..

I was stuck out of town last night with just my blackberry and unfortunately can't seem to post anything except the topic line when that happens. But as I watched this thread unfold on my 1.5"x2" screen, I became increasingly mortified by the extent and latent abuse Rawat continues to dish out on his remaining devotees. Especially those that he depends on most to contribute massive amounts of their own wealth and provide for the complete financial welfare of Rawat and his family. When I first heard of SW's multimillion dollar "gift" I was too stunned to even respond. But as more information has been revealed by SW, IT and PRC, the magnitude of Rawat's greed and consumption has risen to a new and much higher level than I was ever even exposed to before.

Just 4 or 5 years ago, I was familiar with dollar amounts to support the Gulfstream in the range as referenced by PRC; maybe $250K to $350K per month as I remember it. So a $20K to $50K donation had some real meaning to it and was considered very generous. Premies who contributed that amount even over an entire year, were considered at the high level of the major donor club. That category would get 3rd row seats at programs, a limo in Amaroo, invites to parties, preferred housing at international events, etc. Of course there were a few extraordinary exceptions who could cut a check as needed up into 6 figures, but I never heard of 7 figure donations. That doesn't mean they weren't happening, but it just was not common knowledge among the mj group and must have been kept as closely held information between a handful of extreme insiders.

Now it sounds like the cost of the plane, including upgrades and operating costs, has increased 3 to 5 times, just as the world economy continues to take a nosedive. But instead of tightening the pursestrings during some tough economic times, Rawat ramps up his consumption at an even greater expense to his highly devoted but dwindling major donors! Its the absolute height of arrogance and total self absorbed delusion. Its one thing to list examples of Rawat's moral deficiencies and bad behavior, but its shocking to hear about this level of waste and disregard, especially in contrast to folks around the world really struggling financially right now. It provides a new and unimaginable level of exposure of Rawat's true character and greedy motives. Even with my own recent background of living inside the major donor community for decades, its still beyond comprehension. I cannot believe that anyone who hears about this and sees what's going on, can still refuse to connect the dots and run like hell!

20th October 2011 14:47:48 - Steve Braband

I think he's been gone from the Malibu residence and Security for over 20 years. He basically left when the old house was about to be torn down and the new mansion built in its place. At least that's the last time I remember seeing him there. He was my contact at the residence and I remember I liked working with him a lot.

20th October 2011 21:16:05 - Lashing back.

I think I took my lashings from Rawat one at a time but counted each one as it stung, all the while keeping a running total in my head. Then as doubt crept in I began weighing out the evidence according to my own observations and information from others, to determine whether he was really God or not. As the scales tipped just a bit in favor of "he's not" the accumulated torment from those stings gave me the final momentum to break loose. Now I'm lashing back, pissed off at Rawat about the abuse he relentlessly dished out, and I'll admit, pissed off at myself for sitting there and taking it for 34 fucking years! And to think it all started out with this gooey, eastern, spiritual, absolute promise of peace, love, fulfillment, and joy….. what a fucking disaster…..!!!

22nd October 2011 12:38:09 - To remain in good favor…..

I bought some and leased others, but they were all my own personal vehicles. It was "understood" that to be his driver I had to have immediate access to an approved four door luxury sedan. There actually is a list of cars Rawat will ride in as I've mentioned before. Cadillacs and Lincoln Town Cars, which can usually be rented by the day, are not on the list. So the only way to have an approved car instantly on hand, perfectly maintained, cleaned and ready to go, was to own it. I'd have to keep an extra luxury car at all times or potentially be replaced by someone else who might be willing to go to that trouble and expense. There was a list of supplies and items to be kept in the car like bottled spring water, kleenex, a blanket, tool box, specifically stocked first aid kit, umbrella, phone lists for repairs, insurance and registration, permission letter for Rawat and Patrick to drive it if he wanted, etc. All of this was continually reviewed by Rawat's Security team and the premies who worked at Execucorp which is Rawat's organization that arranges the details for his travel.

I rarely drove these cars and instead used my trusty old beat up Landcruiser that I still have, as my daily driver. I paid for everything for those cars and trips and was never offered or reimbursed a single dime for any of my expenses including fuel, my own hotels and meals, or anything at all. Then I'd be expected to stay in the same hotel as Rawat and be prepared and remain on call 24/7 to jump into action. Those hotels weren't cheap as you can probably imagine. I would never leave the room unless it was to drive him or run an errand so I always ordered room service. A typical 3 day stay could easily cost me $2,000 or $3,000 out of pocket not including the car. Sometimes I'd have to stay for a week or more. So to drive him a couple of times a year, I'd estimate it cost me personally between $40K and $50K per year including lease or loan payments, maintenance and repairs, fuel and operating costs, taxes and registration, auto insurance, plus my own personal travel expenses as outlined above. Even at $40K per year for 15 years that's about $600,000!!! (Holy shit !!!…..I think I'm going to puke….. again!)

22nd October 2011

Thanks Marianne and I appreciate your kind support as always. When I wrote that post it was as if I was able to fully experience it all over again, only this time be aware of what was happening. As I dug back into those memories I could actually see the plane, hear Rawat, feel myself sitting in my car, watch Monica walk down those stairs; the whole thing was being relived in my mind. Then to relive it like that but have the means to process it this time, it really was a healing experience. And to have the support and advise of all of you guys to validate and help me understand what happened, I have to say the trauma from that event has kind of cleared out. It was a traumatizing too: to have the person I thought was God himself and that I had dedicated my life to, sort of shrivel up and dissolve right in front of me, was absolutely shocking. Plus at the time, from all of the conditioning and mind control training, I had no way to even begin to deal with that. Anyway thanks again. I'm working on another one now and will probably post it soon. Hope all is well with you.

22nd October 2011 - Re: Healing

Hi Marianne, not sure why the post i just loaded can't open but it basically said thanks for all of your kind support, and that writing, posting, and reliving that "final arrival" story was extremely healing. Only the first time I said that, it was a couple of paragraphs longer. Thanks again to you and all my great friends here on the forum. (think I forgot a topic in the last post so there is nothing in that spot to open it???)

23rd October 2011 10:12:13 - Re: Question Regarding Impact of the Treatment of Major Donors

"the high of sitting close DID seem more intense -- I felt transported into an intensely happy and magical and loving inner space when I sat closer."

Thanks for your great post CW and I anxiously look forward to hearing more of your thoughts and experiences! Its been a terrific relief for me to crawl out from under that shadow of denial you described, finally see the real truth, and be free at last from Rawat's world of delusion and lies. For the record I just want to confirm that Rawat knows exactly who is sitting in those front rows and has complete control over who sits where. Plus, I just had 2nd row seats to the play "Wicked" and it was fantastic. It had to be way better than the balcony or even half way back in the hall. I could see all the details of the costumes, the facial expressions of the actors, hear the full impact of the orchestra, and became totally engrossed in the experience of the play. The depth and amount of information that consumed my attention drew me into the play and the story in a very compelling way. Being close to Rawat had the same effect. Sometimes I would even think he glanced at me which of course made it feel very special. And I'd rivet all of my attention on his face, jestures, and tone, in an attempt to squeeze every ounce of experience I could from the incredible opportunity I had at that moment. This was no time to be in my mind. All that focus and concentration created a much more engrossing feeling that I naturally credited to the close contact of Rawat's physical presence. Btw, those 2nd row seats to the play; they cost a whole lot more than seats further back. The World apparently knows a little bit about this same effect and always has.

23rd October 2011 21:04:51 - To remain in good favor…..

Thanks lexy; I was replaced instantly the minute I declined to drive him the last time I was asked. No thank you's ever offered, no questions about why or what happened, never any offer to reimburse me for any expenses; almost as if the last 15 years as one of his preferred drivers never happened at all! In fact I'm sure if I had ever asked to be reimbursed while I was active as his driver, that would have put serving in my coveted position in extreme jeopardy. I may have never been called again. They would have found someone else who would offer to pay their own way just like I had to do. Also, thanks for posting this again up top. Hope it helps shed some more light on the real truth about Rawat and his predatory greed.

12th November 2011 10:15:38 - All I have to say is……

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck….. I guess you can dress the duck up in just about any costume. Still a duck. The duck could even say its not duck. Still a duck. How about the lipstick on a pig example? Still a pig. And I'm still pissed off at myself for being so stupid to believe it.

btw; sorry to everyone about my posting disaster above. I just spent the last couple of weeks writing it in word, and when i tried to post it, the formating was so screwed up I couldn't bear the idea of leaving it like that. Plus I've been out of town for a couple of weeks with expensive internet fees so had to limit my time on line. I'll get that posted as soon as I can figure out the options. Thanks and sorry again for the false posting start.

12th November 2011 16:51:37 - Failed Promise

With all good intentions and the innocence of youth, I believed it was true. The same experience had been validated by humanity throughout the ages. Now it was my turn. Somehow I had been provided the rare opportunity to bypass millennia of incarnations and fast track my way to the final end point. After all, there had to be a God and the purpose and destination of life was to unite with him. It was the kind of union that was worth sacrificing all else to achieve. Once experienced in its glorious totality, my true purpose would be fulfilled and I'd be consumed in a perfect state of blissful peace. It made complete sense. Fortune beyond belief had unexpectedly knocked at my door. And God himself had come this time to show me the way and make sure I got there safe and sound.

The idea was simple but the experience profound. Perfectly concealed and right within my self, lay a hidden passageway to an infinite chamber where time stopped and space began. Inside that chamber all secrets and natural laws were revealed and eternal peace was to be found. Pain and distress would forever be left behind. Once I found my way, I'd be free to enter and bathe in that feeling at will, immune from life's struggles and protected within a bubble of contentment.

I was to sit quietly in absolute stillness as my body relaxed, and focus only on the quiet swishing sound of one breath flowing in and one breath drifting out. The rhythmic rising and falling would sway and massage my body into a sensory numbness where all else faded softly away. Sometimes I would find myself encapsulated within a cocoon-like womb where only awareness remained. Thoughts and feelings were deflected as I became absorbed in a silent stillness and waited patiently for that final transition to consume the last residue of my former self.

The reward for long hours and determined effort was the promise of a much richer experience and consummate event. That's when I was to finally dissolve as a tiny invisible speck immersed within a vast boundless space of textured ethers and white light, that would sing, glow, and vibrate to the natural and effortless motion of my breath. That's when that promised state of eternal perfection would be mine forever. That's when I was to finally merge into the infinite ocean of complete and total enlightenment and rest at last in the arms of my Master. But that endless accepting embrace had to be earned the hard way.

I'd sit for hours and wait for that silence to come. Often there was a struggle where I'd try to separate myself from stray thoughts and concerns. Sometimes I'd be haunted by distractions. Restless thoughts about relationships, decisions, or responsibilities could pop in with rampant disregard and disrupt the tranquility at any time. They'd tug and pull me back where I would stew in the ooze of stupid ideas or feelings that served no real purpose. I'd fight and try to hobble that mind. It could gnaw and chew at me while I tried to break free and claw my way back to that secret place. When the going got rough I would begin to pray. I'd beg my Master to lend a strong but invisible hand and drag me along if that's what it took. I'd plead for him to intercede, help me surrender, and subjugate my mind and my will. I'd pray for him to neutralize those painful distractions in hopes that the noise would dissipate and the silence would mercifully return. I'd wait and pray in suspended desperation and hope that better times would find me again if I just got it right.

To make sure those prayers were heard I'd nurture my connection with him, just like he told me to do. It took constant diligence to remain in his good favor. Not a single moment was to be wasted. No need to understand how it all really worked. Somehow, he was keeping score and secretly knew the sincerity of my efforts. Occasionally, there was a magical moment where the stars seemed to align and catch me by surprise. No need to understand that either. It was simply called Grace. That's when my Master was so irresistibly pleased, he could not stop himself from smiling. But because I couldn't actually see his face, he would send a signal instead, all the way across the planet, just to say he approved of whatever I was up to at that particular moment.

Sometimes however, it worked just the opposite and I'd have to be taught a tough lesson. Learning was part of my growth too, but he would be there with relentless patience to keep me on track and help me along my way. So, in between all those intense and often grueling hours of practice, there was plenty of productive work to do. It might take a lifetime, but as long as I dutifully obeyed his commands, everything would turn out just fine. After all, this was his divine play, I was his guest, and there was only a short while to successfully complete my mission.

The best way to spend time when not in practice mode, was to listen to him speak or do something to help. I'd try to sit close at programs as he unveiled hidden mysteries or coaxed me along with words of encouragement or a firm boot from behind. Sitting motionless at his feet, I'd hang on every word in a suspended trance that had the power to reconnect and recharge any loose but vital circuits. And the best way to help him was to do something, do anything, or just provide a stout donation. I traveled the World to see him, stayed on call at a moments notice, and sent in a steady stream of hard earned cash.

Eventually, he took notice. I was invited to enter his personal and private holy domain and awarded with a very privileged way to see him, talk to him, and help him all at once. For a few incredible moments each year I got to be his Driver. I'd have him sequestered alone inside my car where we'd chat about all kinds of inconsequential and meaningless subjects. It didn't matter really what we talked about. All that mattered was the chance to soak in his physical presence and absorb invisible but eternal blessings. Those were the most special moments imaginable. I was the luckiest among the lucky ones. Never in all eternity, would this rare opportunity return.

I was determined not to waste this one and only chance to reach my ultimate destination. Not when the finish line was in such clear view. Not, when by kindness and grace, I was practically being carried in his arms the rest of the way. Knowing I had every advantage made it easy to sacrifice everything else. Family, friends, relationships, social interaction, personal interests, simple pleasures, hobbies, or any counter productive activity would not stand in my way. I set aside those lesser, insidious, human distractions, and followed his instructions to show him I was worthy.

Surrender to him was my focus and goal. Nothing else mattered. In fact anything else, became my dreaded and despised enemy. I had drawn a battle line within myself and with the rest of the World in the cold war that was brewing inside me. And while my goal was peace and fulfillment, I would win that war whatever it took. Through hours of practice, service, and listening to Him, I'd subjugate my will, eradicate my own desires, and release the reins of my life into his trusted hands. He knew much better what to do with those reins. He knew every turn and pitfall in the road and only he could take me where I had to go. It was better to just leave it in his hands and avoid anything and everything that was not serving my goal of complete surrender.

After 34 years I got quite good at it. My separation and isolation from the temporary world of errant desires and transient events was well on its way. Every day I'd wake up promptly at 5:00 am and sit cross-legged on the floor for a full hour or more. When I could find extra time, I'd diligently add to that. Sometimes I'd hit scheduling bumps with time zones or travel, so I'd scratch and scrape to find that quiet hour for formal practice. Then, throughout the rest of each day, I'd consciously try to drift back into a state of semi-delirium where my surroundings would either fade in or fade out like mist on the water. It became a game in a way. There were moments when I'd get captured by the familiar swishing of my breath and ride along each wave as it peacefully rose and fell inside of me. Other times I'd try to embrace the sensory experience of a single moment and listen to the sound of raindrops or see the twinkling of light as it reflected and danced about as part of his grand creation.

It took continuous effort to ward off distracting thoughts while trying to turn within or remember his invisible presence. There were always pestilent menial issues to avoid or begrudgingly tolerate. Those nuisances mostly involved other people who just didn't understand or maybe were just incapable of comprehending the significance and importance of what I was up to. This time God had come to save the World and I had a seat at the forefront of all humanity. It might take some time before he would finally reveal himself. But then the wisdom, clarity, and validation of the path I had chosen, would no longer be denied. Patience, perseverance, and stamina would get me through. Behind my effort was a foundation of belief that I was on the right track. It would all be worth it, just like he promised. If I just stayed the course, his promise to me would be fulfilled.

Over time, there was a kind of glazing effect that formed a thin crust around me like the outer shell of an egg. Isolated from worldly distractions, I remained safe and protected within the confines of a bubble-like shell I had carefully constructed through long hours of practice and single-minded focus. Everything I needed to sustain my beliefs and advance my retreat was right there with me inside. I could see blurred images on the outside, through the translucent shimmer of the shell, but tried not to take notice. I'd hear muffled sounds from the outside, rumbling in the background, but I'd let them roll by like harmless, passing, distant thunder. Instead, I looked and listened with full attention in the opposite direction, as I nestled deeper towards the center where I could feel the magnetic pull of my Master's presence. He was right there with me inside that shell. All I had to do was stay close and try to work my way even closer to him.

As long as I kept a watchful eye towards the center, I could safely move around inside the shell. But every time I carelessly drifted and found myself near the interface with the World outside, I could feel a very subtle, yet tangible tension. There would be a compelling sense of curiosity about what was on the other side. I had been warned about that. It was precarious to get too close to the edge, or turn my back on my Master, wipe the fog from the shell and take a good, long look. I had been told about the danger and futility of yielding to that curiosity. Nothing of value or substance existed outside the reality within the shell. It was best to keep my back turned outwards, and fix my gaze inwards, directly towards my Master.

I thought life would go on like that until the ultimate grand finale. That's when, just like the imploding force from a powerful black hole, I expected to be permanently absorbed by his mercy, compassion, and grace. That was his promise to me, and it would surely one day be fulfilled. But then something else started to happen. I found myself in the middle of a prolonged and intense personal struggle and I had no choice but to temporarily deal directly with the World outside the shell. These were difficult impending circumstances that kept me close to the outer edge of the shell for way too long. Against my better judgment, I found myself taking a long hard look.

Through the haze I could suddenly see the faces of people. Those people were busy doing all kinds of things as if what they were up to really mattered. They shared feelings and passion, and a real interest in each other for who they were. Some of them were smart. They had developed an uncanny way to look at a problem or situation, understand its layers of complexity, and then come up with solutions that actually worked. Some of them wanted to help me just because they could. There was an open and free flowing excitement among them about simple things. I found myself feeling curiously amazed.

But it was troubling too. I had to pull myself back from a compelling tendency to scratch my way out through the thin outer shell to find out more. Strange feelings and sensations stirred inside me. I needed a jolt to get me back on track and refocused on my true purpose before it was too late. I quickly turned to my Master exactly like I had done thousands of times before. I prayed relentlessly to please help quiet my mind, settle those disturbing thoughts, and pull me out of it. I ramped up the intensity of my practice, and followed him around the World. I begged him in every possible way I could to please keep that promise he had made to me so many years ago. I needed that to happen, just this once. I even found the courage to ask him directly for his best advice to help solve the problem so I could move on and settle down my mind. I made sure he knew personally, how troubled I was and how much, just this once, I needed his special help.

"Don't let it get to you. Don't let it get to you." Maybe there was some deeper meaning to his reply that I just didn't understand. Maybe everything that happened was really all just a test to see if I was ready to receive his final promise of total fulfillment. If I just tried harder, had more longing, did more of the right things, practiced with more concentration, or fought a little harder. If I just hadn't looked outside the shell for so long. Maybe he was giving me a direct command to shake it off, slap myself awake, get back up on my feet, and fall in line. Maybe through these exact words he was giving me the strength and power to do just that. His compassion was so complete he would never command me to do something that wasn't possible. That must be it. And with that analysis, I scraped together every last ounce of determination I could find and tried even harder.

The next time I saw him, he was standing at the top of the folding stairs just outside the open door to the G550, tightly gripping the handrails on either side of the landing. Something wasn't right. Never had I seen him look so small and weak. He proceeded hunched forward, with Patrick bringing up the rear, to help stabilize each step. As they approached the car I held the door open, and with a wave of my hand guided him towards the back seat. He stumbled a bit, bumped into me, then brushed past as he nearly fell into place and slid over to the middle of the back seat. As I began to vaguely understand what was happening it became increasingly difficult to process the situation. Part of me began to comprehend the obvious; my Master, who I fully believed was God himself in a physical body, was sitting there thoroughly drunk in the back seat of the car. But at the same time, that explanation was simply unacceptable, no matter how true it might be. It just seemed impossible, or at least I didn't want to believe it … . .

On the long drive home from that trip, I tried again to sort through what it all meant. I remember now feeling an overwhelming mixture of blank chaos swirling inside my head. I could still hear the haunting sound of his twisted laugh echoing around me in the car. As I glanced in the rear view mirror, I imagined him still sitting there, drooling and babbling to himself, hands at his sides, pressing hard on the seat just to hold himself up. Then I thought of those people I had seen through the haze of the shell, how complex and busy they were, and how everything seemed to matter so much. Their faces flashed before me in rich colors of expression where before they had only been shades of dull, pasty, gray. Contrasting images raced through my mind in rapid succession. Then tears burst forth as I clutched the wheel tightly to wrestle the car back on track.

Thoughts and visions slowly dissolved into a deep, murky, reflective pool, as feelings of grief, fear, and then true horror began to swell from deep inside. I thought of him again and all that I had been told and had believed with such conviction. I thought back on all that I had done because of that conviction, for the last 34 years. Over fifteen thousand hours of diligent practice where I could never quite break through to that state of absolute perfection. Decades spent traveling, patiently standing in lines, sitting entire days in distant halls, humbling myself to kiss his feet and obey his every command. Weeklong trips, year after year, to do thankless tasks at the family homes, all at my own expense. Hundreds of thousands of hard earned dollars freely handed over for whatever fleeting purpose he chose at the time. No questions asked, ever. I did all that because I believed in him.

By the time I pulled in the driveway, what I thought was my purpose and duty, now seemed like useless sacrifice. The adoration I felt for him was now coated with a thick film of wretched disgust. I groped for the magnetic pull that always brought me back, but instead, felt the current from a steady field of repulsion propel me away. Exhausted and alone, I turned off the key and sat quietly for a moment trying hard to make some kind of sense out of it. But it just wouldn't make any sense, except for one single haunting realization. That was the glaring truth I could no longer deny no matter how hard I tried; the failed promise I believed in for so many years had been just a lie. And in my hunger to simply know about the strange mysteries of life, he was the one who had purposely fed that lie to me one bite at a time.

What remained was an empty feeling, like a blackboard that had just been erased. There are still traces and chalk marks from what was written back then. But as time moves on, and lingering fear is displaced through natural healing, those old chalk marks are barely visible. And now there is the chance to start writing again, this time from scratch. The hunger to understand the mysteries of life still churns from deep within my self. But released from the confines of that shell, I'm now free to roam the vast expanses that were always there and discover and learn about those mysteries on my own. And this time, with the chalk held tightly in my own hand, write my story on that fresh clean blackboard just the way I want to say it.

12th November 2011 18:14:57 - Remember that Porsche?

Thanks Marianne. I can still see Rawat's face in my mind asking me to do him that personal "favor" by dragging my ass and a bunch of equipment to India at my own expense. The implications always were that any favor I did for Rawat would automatically serve the grand purpose of the fulfillment of my own experience of Knowledge, or the spread of Knowledge to others in the world. That way anything directed towards his personal benefit is easily disguised behind a smoke screen as being for the best welfare of the greater whole of all humanity, and not himself. How about when he asked me to get him that Porsche sent over from Germany? Guess all that "service" I did getting him that car really enriched my experience of Knowledge and at the same time enabled him to drive to programs in LA a little quicker? Maybe because he had that car, he was more able to attract Porsche lovers to Knowledge? I doubt he ever even drove it.

13th November - Cracks in the dam

Thanks Pat and I appreciate everyone's kind support. It is so therapeutic to write these posts and in the process, relive those events in slow motion to understand some of the complexities that were involved. For me, the effect is kind of like watching post game films in sports where you can see how a play developed along with all the intricate movements that led to the result. It helps to go back, replay the game, and understand what happened and why. It creates a lot of opportunity to get better for the next game and shake it off if needed. I remember when "instant replay" first showed up on TV in American footfall. Teams could correct immediately while the game was still going on. That changed things forever.

"Final Arrival" really was a cathartic experience. But for several years other smaller and almost invisible cracks had begun to appear in my shell. That shell was just so unnatural, the only way it could be sustained was to constantly nurture and repair it. There was continuous pressure from the outside that took tremendous stamina and effort to counter balance. I think every premie feels that pressure and knows they must avoid what's outside their shell. Its just a race against time to see if they will be able to hold that shell in tact throughout their entire lifetime or whether it will crack and crumble before they die.

I keep thinking about a dam that was built to hold back a river. Its completely unnatural and no matter how strong its built or how meticulously it was engineered, every dam has a life expectancy. Small, invisible, almost insignificant cracks may develop deep below the surface of the water. Maybe not even a single drop of water makes its way through those small cracks, but those cracks are there. Then, at some point the constant pressure and force of the water bears down as the degradation of the materials and structure begins to take its toll. Those cracks slowly begin to multiply and grow. Natural forces finally over power the disintegrating and artificial structure of the dam. Then, in one final catastrophic event of incredible magnitude, the dam just explodes.

There's not much to say about those cracks except that they were there. But there is plenty to say in the aftermath about that one final event where the dam burst apart and all hell broke loose. Sure, there's stories to tell about the clean up and the rebuilding, but what will be remembered and talked about in stories for years to come, is that one final, explosive event. I guess with Knowledge and Rawat, everybody's departure is a little different. Some premie's dam may break in a much more subtle way than mine did. It may be related to the size of the their dam and how much pressure had built up from years of attempting to hold it intact. I'd say mine was about the size of the Hoover and "Final Arrival" was the last dramatic event where my dam finally burst apart and the water came flooding in.

20th November 12:21:12 - Re: Surrender

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

To me, the serenity prayer has a whole to say about the true nature of surrrender. What it does is leave the element of critical judgement or "wisdom" in place. The individual is left to determine whether acceptance or courage is the applied when dealing with any given situation. In its generic application, "God" is left up to personal interpretation and often identified simply as that individual's higher power.

In stark contrast, Rawat's definition of surrender was to leave it all in his hands, all the time, and avoid using any sense of critical judgement when dealing with anything. Along with that, we were carefully instructed to destroy our minds and believe he was God himself in human form. Then, by Rawat's grace, someday we would be endowed with wisdom.

22nd November - Re: How about…

Reminds me of a "joke" Rawat made up riding in the car one time; something in a slurred southern drawl about how rednecks eat roadkill. So it is all finally coming together here….. but wait, could it be? ; are we the roadkill and he the highway driver?

16th December - Note to Major Donors…..

You are too smart to continue to be seduced by Rawat's scam. It will be in your own and the best interests of many others if you can somehow muster up the courage to just walk away like SF has done.

Thanks SF.

30th December 2011

By the late 80's Rawat had put the gears in motion to build his mansion. The land purchase project was secretly moving along where he had assembled a team of well screened and well trained premies to go around to selected donors and ask for money. This covert operation was possibly one of the most blatant efforts by Rawat to use EVI as a solicitation mechanism to channel funds to him personally. I was asked to visit donors in small groups in their homes and show them aerial view slides of the current residence. Overlaid on the pictures were property lines that outlined about 4 or 5 tracts of land that adjoined the lot of the old residence. Rawat had to have this land to build the mansion and protect and insulate him from other development going on in the surrounding hills. He also needed a slice of land from the Pacific Coast Highway up the hill for a water and utility easement. This package of slides along with some printed material was provided to the collections team who had to basically sign in blood that they would be returned immediately upon request. The slides and materials were to never be copied and the project was not to be discussed outside of the team. All checks were to be made out to Rawat personally and sent directly to the Anna Capa View address. Premies who were asked for money were to be instructed not to discuss the project with others and to keep it secret. He got the money and bought the land.

Next he seduced a couple of Architects to move to Malibu and begin the design. One of them was a good friend of mine who was incredibly talented. He sold his house and uprooted his young family to work for free while his wife scratched and scraped to support them. He could have been building an incredible professional career, but as with many of us, he believed he had been called to fulfill his true purpose and gave up everything. His family lived in near poverty for years as he worked around the clock to design the house and attempt to please Rawat. His son had medical problems that required special, ongoing attention. They felt torn and struggled to provide for him as they wanted to, because of the severe financial sacrifices they were making on behalf of Rawat.

Of course pleasing Rawat was next to impossible. He had to have complete control of every decision and rejected ideas and concepts while being critical and at times abusive. I can't imagine the stress, patience, and tolerance of those premies who were involved in the design and construction of the project. As construction moved forward, the level of perfection and detail demanded by Rawat was completely obsessive. By the end, the Rawat's had a reputation with the distributors and vendors around the Malibu area of being so unreasonable that no one was willing to work for them. The Rawats were so intolerable that this reputation probably continues even today.

I remember one specific moment which is indelibly etched in my mind. Marolyn came running up to me giddy with excitement. She insisted I look at a freshly fabricated, meticulously hand crafted, balsa wood scale model of the new house. It was set up on a table by the old pool. She dragged me next to it and leaned over pointing out all the details. "Here's the bedroom, this is the kitchen, this is the courtyard, and here is Maharaji's office!" She went on in a frenzy of excitement talking about the views of the ocean and the landscaping and gardens that would surround their new home. This would be a great place to raise the family while Maharaji was busy with his important work to bring peace to the entire world. He would need a place exactly like this to relax and have a sanctuary and shelter between his tours. She dutifully accepted her assigned role of wife, mother, and keeper of the new home.

On another visit I was standing near by while details about the stone were being discussed with a beautiful dark haired premie from Italy. She had flown over to Malibu to talk about and finalize colors and then assemble a huge shipment from quarries in Europe. Apparently her family had been in the stone business for years and she had risen to a position of influence in that organization. No doubt that all of that stone was sent for free at an enormous expense to someone. Thinking back, she did have a somewhat conflicted expression on her face. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be in her position. Of course this is just speculation, but….. on the one hand, as a premie this had to be the most incredible opportunity ever; to be asked by the Lord to provide the stone for his own personal living quarters. On the other hand, to explain the loss of revenue to others in the family who were running a business and may not approve of her even being involved!

As the project progressed, I would visit the residence a couple of times each year. There were dozens of premies from all over the world working there for free. They lived wherever they could find a place to sleep at night. During the day they would make their way to the parking lot at Trancas Market where a van would shuttle them up the hill. Satsangs were held at the Malibu elementary school and were typically packed with the same premies who sat diligently in hard backed chairs for their nightly dose of the master's wisdom. Professionals of all types were coaxed to provide their particular specialty or service. There were teams of electricians, plumbers, air conditioning experts, carpenters, painters, you name it. This high and intense level of activity and premie involvement went on for over 5 years. I can't remember anyone ever saying they were getting paid except for the handful of permanent residence staff who were provided a meager subsistence wage.

This went on for years. Over time, the pieces gradually came together and things slowly settled down. The systems were tweeked, the landscaping finalized, and the maintenance phase began. I continued my twice a year visitations up until just a few years ago. The new house and its surroundings probably perfectly fulfilled Rawat's vision but during the process a lot was lost. These are my opinions of course, but Marolyn in particular became what I believe to be a completely broken individual. She essentially lives down the road in her beach house. The kids have kind of hung around for years while garages full of dirt bikes, surf boards, and other adventure gear sit idle, having rarely been used. There was a karate bag that was hung from a tree in the back yard that just slowly rotted in place. No one would dare suggest that it be taken down while hope remained that one of the kids might actually want to kick it. There is a submissive compliance among the remaining staff where their spirit seems to have accepted defeat. The last few times I was there it felt just plain depressing.

Plus I can't begin to imagine how expensive it is to support something like that. The taxes must be enormous and I overheard a comment from an electrician one time, that just the electric bills were over $20,000 a month. This didn't even include the other utilities. The full time security staff are paid and just the upkeep for a mansion of that size has to cost a fortune. The ongoing expenses are not of the kind that are a good fit for donated services, and instead require cold hard cash. A lot of the premies who worked on the project were pushed to the point where they simply left and walked away. I remember one last conversation I had with the premie who was the lead builder. He was infuriated, frustrated, and angry, and told me he had enough. That was the last time I ever saw him. In addition, I know several premies like me that used to regularly provide ongoing expertise who have just dropped out. So, despite the fact that Rawat got his dream house, it does not appear to be the happy home and domestic sanctuary he envisioned from the start.

2nd January 2012

I can confirm the old remained as the new was built around it. Actually that's an indication of how huge the new house is; the entire old house, which was not to too shabby, easily fit in what is now about the size of the inner courtyard and grand entrance.

3rd January 2012 - Another example…..

Rawat can't contain himself or his bizarre cocktail of pathological character flaws. I can just see him spattering off comments like that at a "private viewing" of major donors who feel privileged simply to be in his divine presence. He feels totally justified by his own self importance to think that the best use of these people's hard earned money is to provide him with whatever he wants to satisfy his cravings or obsessions. His bold solicitation for more bases is just another blatant example of how he manipulates his remaining flock, especially the major donors.

I was with Rawat in many hotels and he would physically cringe if he had to be around the general public or any other hotel guests or staff. One time I was in an elevator with him and as we descended to the lobby it stopped part way and another guest got in. He recoiled in disgust and kind of wormed his way backwards to make absolutely sure there was no accidental physical contact. When we got off and made our way to the car he commented about how repulsive it was to have to be stuck in such desolate accommodations. It was a 5 star hotel.

He would never touch a door handle unless it was sterilized. To avoid such displeasures, he was always accompanied by a premie who always made sure to be slightly ahead of him to open doors. That meant that every time he moved outside of his room, it required detailed advanced planning and orchestration. Just to go from his hotel room to the car parked outside the lobby took at least 3 people and numerous communications. There was one person to escort him from the room, another handling the lobby to coordinate doors and clear the way, and the driver waiting with the car idling in perfect position at the curb. Watches had to be synchronized and timing was always impeccable. Afterwords, the team would usually debrief at length and in great detail to evaluate and tweak the level of performance. We always believed it was all just another gracious lesson taught by our master towards our continual quest to achieve perfection. It was and is in fact a vivid symptom of Rawat's intolerance and repulsion of the real world.

His request for more bases has nothing to do with facilitating his work. Its about avoiding any external contact, personal convenience, and funneling premies money into assets that he can benefit from personally. Where he owns a house, these transfers can obviously be greatly simplified which allows him to have much more freedom of mobility. Owning more houses means he can be less dependent on premie crews of personal handlers who may be exposed to his dark habits. Its also easier to keep visitations of Monica covert and under cover. He does own several other properties not listed in this thread and he obviously wants more. He may also see the current economy, with its depressed real estate prices, as an opportunity to buy. Among Rawat's many other grandiose delusions, he thinks of himself as a brilliant investor who knows exactly when to pick off a fresh nugget of real estate.