"Jasper's" Posts on Ex-Premie Forum - 2012

"Jasper" was a former devotee of Prem Rawat's who had long-term close exposure to Rawat and to a lesser extent his family. Of course, this closeness was that of a servant to his Lord and Master and judging from the posts he was mainly used as a chauffeur and earlier on to provide free work on Rawat's Malibu mansion. The posts provide both glimpses of Rawat himself and the trauma involved in leaving a cult after 30 years. "Jasper" is not an example of a "normal" follower of Rawat's. His dedication and intensity of practice was extreme. To an outsider it appears unbalanced at best if not deranged at worst and his beliefs about Rawat's intentions and activities (in my opinion) are also extreme. Nevertheless his honesty and openness provide a real window into cultic behaviour and beliefs. While "Jasper" maintains a public anonymity there are people who know him who vouch for his authenticity. If these posts weren't a true expression of an actual life they would be worth the highest creative literary accolades. Jasper's posts from other years are available at:

Some of the posts shed light on Rawat, the man off-stage

3rd January 2012 - Another example…..

Rawat can't contain himself or his bizarre cocktail of pathological character flaws. I can just see him spattering off comments like that at a "private viewing" of major donors who feel privileged simply to be in his divine presence. He feels totally justified by his own self importance to think that the best use of these people's hard earned money is to provide him with whatever he wants to satisfy his cravings or obsessions. His bold solicitation for more bases is just another blatant example of how he manipulates his remaining flock, especially the major donors.

I was with Rawat in many hotels and he would physically cringe if he had to be around the general public or any other hotel guests or staff. One time I was in an elevator with him and as we descended to the lobby it stopped part way and another guest got in. He recoiled in disgust and kind of wormed his way backwards to make absolutely sure there was no accidental physical contact. When we got off and made our way to the car he commented about how repulsive it was to have to be stuck in such desolate accommodations. It was a 5 star hotel.

He would never touch a door handle unless it was sterilized. To avoid such displeasures, he was always accompanied by a premie who always made sure to be slightly ahead of him to open doors. That meant that every time he moved outside of his room, it required detailed advanced planning and orchestration. Just to go from his hotel room to the car parked outside the lobby took at least 3 people and numerous communications. There was one person to escort him from the room, another handling the lobby to coordinate doors and clear the way, and the driver waiting with the car idling in perfect position at the curb. Watches had to be synchronized and timing was always impeccable. Afterwords, the team would usually debrief at length and in great detail to evaluate and tweak the level of performance. We always believed it was all just another gracious lesson taught by our master towards our continual quest to achieve perfection. It was and is in fact a vivid symptom of Rawat's intolerance and repulsion of the real world.

His request for more bases has nothing to do with facilitating his work. Its about avoiding any external contact, personal convenience, and funneling premies money into assets that he can benefit from personally. Where he owns a house, these transfers can obviously be greatly simplified which allows him to have much more freedom of mobility. Owning more houses means he can be less dependent on premie crews of personal handlers who may be exposed to his dark habits. Its also easier to keep visitations of Monica covert and under cover. He does own several other properties not listed in this thread and he obviously wants more. He may also see the current economy, with its depressed real estate prices, as an opportunity to buy. Among Rawat's many other grandiose delusions, he thinks of himself as a brilliant investor who knows exactly when to pick off a fresh nugget of real estate.

3rd January 2012 - gridlocked…..

Thanks la-ex. Processing all of this seems to peel off me in layers and at times I feel horribly conflicted. This is one of those times. Despite the volumes of stuff I've posted here, there is an entire story that I guess I'm just not ready to get into. As I'm sitting here at the keyboard, part of me wants to expunge pages of details about exactly what I was doing as I spent almost 20 years periodically driving him around and flying out to the Malibu residence. But all I can say is right now I can't get past my own internal resistance to do it.

Not sure if its just fear or the extreme depth of my own programming from being that close to Rawat and the cult. Might be my own inability to violate my personal values of trust and integrity to something I was so powerfully committed to believing. Funny to think that I can't get past this resistance after all the incriminating stories I've already posted. These kind of feelings of inner conflict, and in this case, total gridlock to say what I really want to, seem to come over me in waves and are quite inexplicable. Maybe I'll feel different about it tomorrow, next month, or in the future. But there is a lot of other real estate and it doesn't surprise me in the least that Rawat continues to want even more. Thanks for everyone's patience, understanding, and support. You guys are the best.

12th January 2012 - Monica; some details

Most of the time when Rawat traveled, Monica would be stowed away and smuggled along. That is unless Marolyn was with him, which was kind of rare. I say smuggled because Rawat was very careful to always publicly maintain his pretense as the perfect family man in front of any premies. He tried to limit any knowledge of the affair to the flight crew, residence staff, Execucorp staff, top level security, and the valets. They of course needed to know because they collaborated in making all his arrangements. Even after driving him for almost 20 years, Rawat was careful not to expose the relationship in front of me. Monica was always around, but every move where anyone outside that need to know circle might notice, was meticulously orchestrated. I'd see her exiting the plane and we had a car on hand to drive her to her own hotel room. But despite his attempts at secrecy, we all knew what was going on; lipstick on wine glasses, earings left on the night stand, porno movies left in the vcr, extra plates…..

Plus she never really had any purpose to be there and never did anything. Everyone else was extremely busy and diligently involved doing their specific assignments. Because of the extreme and obsessive level of detail required to prepare everything, there was no slacking and all of us worked at a constant feverish level of intensity. Except Monica. She was simply wisked away and kept secretly in holding somewhere until Rawat was ready to summon her to his hotel suite.

There were assorted attempts over the years to add some level of legitimacy to her presence. The camera around her neck was the standard excuse. She was unofficially recognized as his personal photographer. And I guess all premies have been indoctrinated with the fundamental understanding that when God himself decides to visit the planet, and photography has simultaneously developed to current sophisticated levels, then God should be photographed at all times. So that smokescreen provided some cover. (But have you ever seen another human being photographed as much as Rawat???) An added advantage of having Monica at the camera is that if she is taking the pictures, she obviously can't be in them.

Aspirare was another attempt to legitimize her presence. Because of my professional experience, she asked me to review her business plan and provide some input. It was a ridiculously cooked up idea with absolutely no substance, but of course she didn't want to hear the truth about it. This idea was too important to fail. She would draw a healthy salary, make gobs of money, and finally have a real purpose and an excuse to have endless one on one meetings with Rawat. When she was launching the enterprise, it was initially intended to generate a substantial profit. To her the concept seemed to be foolproof; buy really expensive nicknacky stuff like china coffee cups, gold key chains, linen notepads, etc., smear them with logos or phrases like Rawat swans or EIYDHIWNAY, and then quadruple the mark up. These would be sold to eager premies in massive quantities at programs and through the mail. And because the logos were kind of discreet, eventually the entire world would want this stuff because it was so extremely tasteful and Rawat himself had personally selected each item!

Once I got to fly in the plane to a program with Monica, Rawat, and the crew, as his guest. I was instructed to ride in the car with Monica for the 20 minute ride from the airport to the hall with a driver and an extra security premie. That's the most I ever actually talked with her. She was very animated, interactive, and really kind of fun. I found myself kind of liking her, but I just couldn't shake the idea from my mind that behind the scenes, she was bonking the lord.

24th January 2012 - Unspoken codes of conduct…..

"Consequently, for the sake of their own survival within the cult, each premie was left to him or herself to rationalize away all the glaring inconsistencies. One such all-encompassing rationalization seems to have been that nothing ultimately matters….." - Lakeshore

Well said and great observation Lakeshore! Thinking back on this now its really clear how shallow and guarded all of the relationships were that I had with other premies. In fact it wasn't just me; there seemed to be a universal acceptance that premies should avoid real personal interaction unless it involved an authorized event or Rawat related function. These relationships were always strained because of the undertone of unresolved and conflicted thoughts and feelings about what was really going on with all those glaring inconsistencies. There were numerous unspoken "codes of conduct and behavior" that everyone seemed to understand but nobody would dare to verbalize or even mention! The result was a certain glazing over of intimacy or even any effective personal interaction, communication, or understanding between anybody.

Of course I'm sure this was and remains just fine with Rawat. Actually the code and culture of support for this "policy" was somehow subliminally created by him through hours and hours of mental and emotional programming. He was and is much safer in his isolated and protected cocoon if nobody even discusses what they know or sees going on inside there. Plus, if premies were to discuss to any real depth, what they were actually experiencing, it might not be so sensational. In some ways, it feels like my relationship and interaction with you guys, none of whom who I have never even met, has become much deeper and meaningful than I ever experienced with premies who I knew for 20 or 30 years! Plus, since I've left, I've never even heard from a single one of them. And of course any premie who might read what I just said, would instantly process it all away as if this observation was just sour grapes or that relationships outside of their master really don't matter anyway. The belief system Rawat has created is really quite remarkable in its circular, self sustaining, and delusional effectiveness, once the indoctrination process is complete.

25th January 2012 - Insult and injury.

Kind of goes along with the thread below where premies would never dare verbalize or discuss any inconsistencies between Rawat, the horribly flawed person, and Maharaji, their beloved master and lord. Once a premie acknowledges this discrepancy and validates their lingering doubts by actually discussing those doubts, its game over for that premie (imo). That premie will either be marked and ostracized by the cult or they will have to accept the fact that they have slipped out of the spell of cult delusion and are on their way to ex-ing.

Those nasty doubts that pass through a premie's mind are usually processed as the "mind" itself, then neatly compartmentalized and swept off to the side. But if those doubting thoughts are actually grounded or provided with substance through verbal expression, or even worse, being openly discussed among other premies, look out! That's why, as you so perfectly stated lakeshore, "premies are generally in a somewhat foggy state of suspended animation. They're going through the motions, but they have a subtle, perhaps nagging sense that something is wrong, something isn't sitting well with them." They can't touch base with reality while maintaining a foothold in the distorted realm of the cult. Hence, there may be lingering suspicions that "something is wrong with Rawat tonight", but no real consideration that he was actually hammered up on stage after a drunken rendezvous with his mistress right before the program!

My well educated guess is that he was drunk at the program. I know a little about alcoholism and the fact that its a progressive disease. Unless an alcoholic willingly and completely submits to a treatment program, the chances for recovery are mighty slim. In fact, even with treatment, the odds are not strongly in favor of recovery. Add that to the narcissistic, self absorbed, and sociopathic personality that is the essence of Rawat himself, and those odds for recovery drop off the chart. Combine those observations with Rawat's own personal drinking habits that myself and many other credible witnesses attest to, and I'd say there is a good chance he was drunk on stage.

Alcoholics reach a state where drinking becomes an obsession at the expense of everything else. Rawat's alcoholism appears to have moved well along its way. It had to be pretty advanced when with total disregard and at 50 something years of age, he staggered and fell in a drunken stupor into the back seat of my car. That's not the kind of drinking that can be passed off as just a few too many. And that was over 4 years ago so his problem with alcohol has probably gotten worse since then!

It was simply more important to Rawat to have his alcohol before the program in Miami, than to actually sit stone sober in front of his devotees and speak about truth. To add some perspective, these are the same devotees who have given everything to Rawat, traveled great distances to see him, and endured decades of discipline and sacrifice because they believe in what he is supposed to represent. To show up drunk and sit there trying to summon up some meaningful message to his premies…… The blatant insult and injury and Rawat's total disregard and abuse of his premies is beyond comprehension. And the fact that they continue to deny what they see while being slapped in the face by their own beloved master, is beyond explanation.

26th January 2012 - Re: Jasper, do you know of other alcohol incidents?

For years I would set up his temporary hotel or rental house accommodations and do the grocery shopping. There were specific lists of exactly what to get and the lists always included an extremely generous supply of campari, scotch, and heinekin. Then during the stay or after the departure I'd collect the trash and the empty bottles. Rawat would never actually go out anywhere except as necessary, so he'd stay in his living quarters and drink. There was always enough alcohol consumed to conclude that his blood alcohol levels were kept in a highly inebriated condition.

27th January 2012 - update.

True Blue reported that as a volunteer (employee), she suspected alcohol abuse before she was unceremoniously dismissed after being subjected to porn vids and lewd comments – sexual harassment by any standards of today's workplace. Part of her job was to set-up and care for a trailer where Prem could enjoy his lunch and cigarettes privately during a flight training course, apart from other pilots in the class.

I was there with True Blue which is part of the story I'm working on. Might be a couple of more weeks until I get all that pieced together and ready to post.

31st January 2012 - update.

Thanks lakeshore. Not sure if you'll see this but I'm still tortured and conflicted with feelings of betrayal when I post and I'm still not comfortable identifying myself publicly. Part of it is that he took me in close because of my natural protective instincts and trustworthiness, so I actually feel like I'm betraying myself. Strange but I'm slowly getting over that to some degree as I'm learning now about who I am and how to live freely.

1st February 2012 - Got it.

Thanks Mike. This is really helpful, especially the policeman analogy. I needed to understand a rational way to use my mind (which I have suppressed for decades) to override my innate character traits of loyalty and trustworthiness. There's a whole component of Rawat's world that I want to lay out there, and only a small handful of premies know much about it. I'm still a little hesitant but I'm going to print your comments and tape them to my screen as a reminder while I'm working on that post! And thanks SF for chiming in!

4th February 2012 - My Journey - Jasper

My Journey - Jasper

With all good intentions and the innocence of youth, I believed it was true. The same experience had been validated by humanity throughout the ages. Now it was my turn. Somehow I had been provided the rare opportunity to bypass millennia of incarnations and fast track my way to the final end point. After all, there had to be a God and the purpose and destination of life was to unite with him. It was the kind of union that was worth sacrificing all else to achieve. Once experienced in its glorious totality, my true purpose would be fulfilled and I'd be consumed in a perfect state of blissful peace. It made complete sense. Fortune beyond belief had unexpectedly knocked at my door. And God himself had come this time to show me the way and make sure I got there safe and sound.

The idea was simple but the experience profound. Perfectly concealed and right within my self, lay a hidden passageway to an infinite chamber where time stopped and space began. Inside that chamber all secrets and natural laws were revealed and eternal peace was to be found. Pain and distress would forever be left behind. Once I found my way, I'd be free to enter and bathe in that feeling at will, immune from life's struggles and protected within a bubble of contentment.

I was to sit quietly in absolute stillness as my body relaxed, and focus only on the quiet swishing sound of one breath flowing in and one breath drifting out. The rhythmic rising and falling would sway and massage my body into a sensory numbness where all else faded softly away. Sometimes I would find myself encapsulated within a cocoon-like womb where only awareness remained. Thoughts and feelings were deflected as I became absorbed in a silent stillness and waited patiently for that final transition to consume the last residue of my former self.

The reward for long hours and determined effort was the promise of a much richer experience and consummate event. That's when I was to finally dissolve as a tiny invisible speck immersed within a vast boundless space of textured ethers and white light, that would sing, glow, and vibrate to the natural and effortless motion of my breath. That's when that promised state of eternal perfection would be mine forever. That's when I was to finally merge into the infinite ocean of complete and total enlightenment and rest at last in the arms of my Master. But that endless accepting embrace had to be earned the hard way.

I'd sit for hours and wait for that silence to come. Often there was a struggle where I'd try to separate myself from stray thoughts and concerns. Sometimes I'd be haunted by distractions. Restless thoughts about relationships, decisions, or responsibilities could pop in with rampant disregard and disrupt the tranquility at any time. They'd tug and pull me back where I would stew in the ooze of stupid ideas or feelings that served no real purpose. I'd fight and try to hobble that mind. It could gnaw and chew at me while I tried to break free and claw my way back to that secret place. When the going got rough I would begin to pray. I'd beg my Master to lend a strong but invisible hand and drag me along if that's what it took. I'd plead for him to intercede, help me surrender, and subjugate my mind and my will. I'd pray for him to neutralize those painful distractions in hopes that the noise would dissipate and the silence would mercifully return. I'd wait and pray in suspended desperation and hope that better times would find me again if I just got it right.

To make sure those prayers were heard I'd nurture my connection with him, just like he told me to do. It took constant diligence to remain in his good favor. Not a single moment was to be wasted. No need to understand how it all really worked. Somehow, he was keeping score and secretly knew the sincerity of my efforts. Occasionally, there was a magical moment where the stars seemed to align and catch me by surprise. No need to understand that either. It was simply called Grace. That's when my Master was so irresistibly pleased, he could not stop himself from smiling. But because I couldn't actually see his face, he would send a signal instead, all the way across the planet, just to say he approved of whatever I was up to at that particular moment.

Sometimes however, it worked just the opposite and I'd have to be taught a tough lesson. Learning was part of my growth too, but he would be there with relentless patience to keep me on track and help me along my way. So, in between all those intense and often grueling hours of practice, there was plenty of productive work to do. It might take a lifetime, but as long as I dutifully obeyed his commands, everything would turn out just fine. After all, this was his divine play, I was his guest, and there was only a short while to successfully complete my mission.

The best way to spend time when not in practice mode, was to listen to him speak or do something to help. I'd try to sit close at programs as he unveiled hidden mysteries or coaxed me along with words of encouragement or a firm boot from behind. Sitting motionless at his feet, I'd hang on every word in a suspended trance that had the power to reconnect and recharge any loose but vital circuits. And the best way to help him was to do something, do anything, or just provide a stout donation. I traveled the World to see him, stayed on call at a moments notice, and sent in a steady stream of hard earned cash.

Eventually, he took notice. I was invited to enter his personal and private holy domain and awarded with a very privileged way to see him, talk to him, and help him all at once. For a few incredible moments each year I got to be his Driver. I'd have him sequestered alone inside my car where we'd chat about all kinds of inconsequential and meaningless subjects. It didn't matter really what we talked about. All that mattered was the chance to soak in his physical presence and absorb invisible but eternal blessings. Those were the most special moments imaginable. I was the luckiest among the lucky ones. Never in all eternity, would this rare opportunity return.

I was determined not to waste this one and only chance to reach my ultimate destination. Not when the finish line was in such clear view. Not, when by kindness and grace, I was practically being carried in his arms the rest of the way. Knowing I had every advantage made it easy to sacrifice everything else. Family, friends, relationships, social interaction, personal interests, simple pleasures, hobbies, or any counter productive activity would not stand in my way. I set aside those lesser, insidious, human distractions, and followed his instructions to show him I was worthy.

Surrender to him was my focus and goal. Nothing else mattered. In fact anything else, became my dreaded and despised enemy. I had drawn a battle line within myself and with the rest of the World in the cold war that was brewing inside me. And while my goal was peace and fulfillment, I would win that war whatever it took. Through hours of practice, service, and listening to Him, I'd subjugate my will, eradicate my own desires, and release the reins of my life into his trusted hands. He knew much better what to do with those reins. He knew every turn and pitfall in the road and only he could take me where I had to go. It was better to just leave it in his hands and avoid anything and everything that was not serving my goal of complete surrender.

After 34 years I got quite good at it. My separation and isolation from the temporary world of errant desires and transient events was well on its way. Every day I'd wake up promptly at 5:00 am and sit cross-legged on the floor for a full hour or more. When I could find extra time, I'd diligently add to that. Sometimes I'd hit scheduling bumps with time zones or travel, so I'd scratch and scrape to find that quiet hour for formal practice. Then, throughout the rest of each day, I'd consciously try to drift back into a state of semi-delirium where my surroundings would either fade in or fade out like mist on the water. It became a game in a way. There were moments when I'd get captured by the familiar swishing of my breath and ride along each wave as it peacefully rose and fell inside of me. Other times I'd try to embrace the sensory experience of a single moment and listen to the sound of raindrops or see the twinkling of light as it reflected and danced about as part of his grand creation.

It took continuous effort to ward off distracting thoughts while trying to turn within or remember his invisible presence. There were always pestilent menial issues to avoid or begrudgingly tolerate. Those nuisances mostly involved other people who just didn't understand or maybe were just incapable of comprehending the significance and importance of what I was up to. This time God had come to save the World and I had a seat at the forefront of all humanity. It might take some time before he would finally reveal himself. But then the wisdom, clarity, and validation of the path I had chosen, would no longer be denied. Patience, perseverance, and stamina would get me through. Behind my effort was a foundation of belief that I was on the right track. It would all be worth it, just like he promised. If I just stayed the course, his promise to me would be fulfilled.

Over time, there was a kind of glazing effect that formed a thin crust around me like the outer shell of an egg. Isolated from worldly distractions, I remained safe and protected within the confines of a bubble-like shell I had carefully constructed through long hours of practice and single-minded focus. Everything I needed to sustain my beliefs and advance my retreat was right there with me inside. I could see blurred images on the outside, through the translucent shimmer of the shell, but tried not to take notice. I'd hear muffled sounds from the outside, rumbling in the background, but I'd let them roll by like harmless, passing, distant thunder. Instead, I looked and listened with full attention in the opposite direction, as I nestled deeper towards the center where I could feel the magnetic pull of my Master's presence. He was right there with me inside that shell. All I had to do was stay close and try to work my way even closer to him.

As long as I kept a watchful eye towards the center, I could safely move around inside the shell. But every time I carelessly drifted and found myself near the interface with the World outside, I could feel a very subtle, yet tangible tension. There would be a compelling sense of curiosity about what was on the other side. I had been warned about that. It was precarious to get too close to the edge, or turn my back on my Master, wipe the fog from the shell and take a good, long look. I had been told about the danger and futility of yielding to that curiosity. Nothing of value or substance existed outside the reality within the shell. It was best to keep my back turned outwards, and fix my gaze inwards, directly towards my Master.

I thought life would go on like that until the ultimate grand finale. That's when, just like the imploding force from a powerful black hole, I expected to be permanently absorbed by his mercy, compassion, and grace. That was his promise to me, and it would surely one day be fulfilled. But then something else started to happen. I found myself in the middle of a prolonged and intense personal struggle and I had no choice but to temporarily deal directly with the World outside the shell. These were difficult impending circumstances that kept me close to the outer edge of the shell for way too long. Against my better judgment, I found myself taking a long hard look.

Through the haze I could suddenly see the faces of people. Those people were busy doing all kinds of things as if what they were up to really mattered. They shared feelings and passion, and a real interest in each other for who they were. Some of them were smart. They had developed an uncanny way to look at a problem or situation, understand its layers of complexity, and then come up with solutions that actually worked. Some of them wanted to help me just because they could. There was an open and free flowing excitement among them about simple things. I found myself feeling curiously amazed.

But it was troubling too. I had to pull myself back from a compelling tendency to scratch my way out through the thin outer shell to find out more. Strange feelings and sensations stirred inside me. I needed a jolt to get me back on track and refocused on my true purpose before it was too late. I quickly turned to my Master exactly like I had done thousands of times before. I prayed relentlessly to please help quiet my mind, settle those disturbing thoughts, and pull me out of it. I ramped up the intensity of my practice, and followed him around the World. I begged him in every possible way I could to please keep that promise he had made to me so many years ago. I needed that to happen, just this once. I even found the courage to ask him directly for his best advice to help solve the problem so I could move on and settle down my mind. I made sure he knew personally, how troubled I was and how much, just this once, I needed his special help.

"Don't let it get to you. Don't let it get to you." Maybe there was some deeper meaning to his reply that I just didn't understand. Maybe everything that happened was really all just a test to see if I was ready to receive his final promise of total fulfillment. If I just tried harder, had more longing, did more of the right things, practiced with more concentration, or fought a little harder. If I just hadn't looked outside the shell for so long. Maybe he was giving me a direct command to shake it off, slap myself awake, get back up on my feet, and fall in line. Maybe through these exact words he was giving me the strength and power to do just that. His compassion was so complete he would never command me to do something that wasn't possible. That must be it. And with that analysis, I scraped together every last ounce of determination I could find and tried even harder.

The next time I saw him, he was standing at the top of the folding stairs just outside the open door to the G550, tightly gripping the handrails on either side of the landing. Something wasn't right. Never had I seen him look so small and weak. He proceeded hunched forward, with Patrick bringing up the rear, to help stabilize each step. As they approached the car I held the door open, and with a wave of my hand guided him towards the back seat. He stumbled a bit, bumped into me, then brushed past as he nearly fell into place and slid over to the middle of the back seat. As I began to vaguely understand what was happening it became increasingly difficult to process the situation. Part of me began to comprehend the obvious; my Master, who I fully believed was God himself in a physical body, was sitting there thoroughly drunk in the back seat of the car. But at the same time, that explanation was simply unacceptable, no matter how true it might be. It just seemed impossible, or at least I didn't want to believe it … . .

On the long drive home from that trip, I tried again to sort through what it all meant. I remember now feeling an overwhelming mixture of blank chaos swirling inside my head. I could still hear the haunting sound of his twisted laugh echoing around me in the car. As I glanced in the rear view mirror, I imagined him still sitting there, drooling and babbling to himself, hands at his sides, pressing hard on the seat just to hold himself up. Then I thought of those people I had seen through the haze of the shell, how complex and busy they were, and how everything seemed to matter so much. Their faces flashed before me in rich colors of expression where before they had only been shades of dull, pasty, gray. Contrasting images raced through my mind in rapid succession. Then tears burst forth as I clutched the wheel tightly to wrestle the car back on track.

Thoughts and visions slowly dissolved into a deep, murky, reflective pool, as feelings of grief, fear, and then true horror began to swell from deep inside. I thought of him again and all that I had been told and had believed with such conviction. I thought back on all that I had done because of that conviction, for the last 34 years. Over fifteen thousand hours of diligent practice where I could never quite break through to that state of absolute perfection. Decades spent traveling, patiently standing in lines, sitting entire days in distant halls, humbling myself to kiss his feet and obey his every command. Weeklong trips, year after year, to do thankless tasks at the family homes, all at my own expense. Hundreds of thousands of hard earned dollars freely handed over for whatever fleeting purpose he chose at the time. No questions asked, ever. I did all that because I believed in him.

By the time I pulled in the driveway, what I thought was my purpose and duty, now seemed like useless sacrifice. The adoration I felt for him was now coated with a thick film of wretched disgust. I groped for the magnetic pull that always brought me back, but instead, felt the current from a steady field of repulsion propel me away. Exhausted and alone, I turned off the key and sat quietly for a moment trying hard to make some kind of sense out of it. But it just wouldn't make any sense, except for one single haunting realization. That was the glaring truth I could no longer deny no matter how hard I tried; the failed promise I believed in for so many years had been just a lie. And in my hunger to simply know about the strange mysteries of life, he was the one who had purposely fed that lie to me one bite at a time.

What remained was an empty feeling, like a blackboard that had just been erased. There are still traces and chalk marks from what was written back then. But as time moves on, and lingering fear is displaced through natural healing, those old chalk marks are barely visible. And now there is the chance to start writing again, this time from scratch. The hunger to understand the mysteries of life still churns from deep within my self. But released from the confines of that shell, I'm now free to roam the vast expanses that were always there and discover and learn about those mysteries on my own. And this time, with the chalk held tightly in my own hand, write my story on that fresh clean blackboard just the way I want to say it.

4th February 2012 - Hope for many more!

Thanks OT and I appreciate your kind comments. In case you or others missed it the first time around, I posted this as a new thread back in November and called it "Failed Promise". It was just an assembly of thoughts and events that when combined sort of told a story that I mostly just wanted to get off my chest. Well, several folks commented that it read like my "journey" and suggested I ask JHB to include it in the Journey section of the website; so I did and here it is. John then decided to piggyback it with Roger's as kind of a double feature. (but Roger's is really the headliner and mine is more like the rerun, which is fine with me btw. Its great to be seen with such fantastic company!) So thanks to JHB and all of you for your endless help and support that got me out of that tangled up mess with that jackass Rawat. I hope we all have the continued pleasure of reading more and more journeys from other new exer's as they depart the cult in droves!

5th Febrary 2012 - Re: the truth hurts sometimes…..

Thanks Jool and I want to say how much I really appreciate and enjoy your insightful posts. But your last comment got me thinking back to the hours I would sit parked in a car I had just cleaned for days, waiting for a few fleeting moments to be of service to him. Or I'd stand at my post outside of wherever he was doing who knows what, in absolute obedience and sincerity, just wanting to be present and available. My devotion was so complete, I'm sure I would have protected him, even if it cost me my life.

As I'm sitting here now remembering the intensity of those times, there's just a blank numbness that seems to coat my feelings from the inside out. Its all so strange; to have loved someone to where I'd take a bullet to defend them, and now as I've realized the depths of his dishonesty, false pretense, abusiveness, and betrayal; to feel like that same person has become my bitter enemy.

5th February 2012 - the truth hurts sometimes…..

My Journey - Jasper

Thanks Jool, and everyone else for your kindness and deep understanding. While I was a premie I did go about practicing Knowledge with unrelenting focus, intensity, and determination. In almost any other discipline, the kind of effort I made would have certainly yielded some semblance of the expected results. Of course with Rawat, he has remained so vague and unclear about what he has even promised in terms of results, nobody can begin to put a finger on it. And if he's pressed on describing what he offers, he just brushes it away by saying its beyond description or paraphrases and twists together selected phrases of drivel from ancient scriptures that end up being totally meaningless.

I can't say I got nothing out of spending 15,000 hours in formal meditation. Folks tell me I look at least 10 years younger than my age and my resting heart rate is about 50. So maybe I was in a physical state of suspended animation during those prolonged years of practice! But as I'm slowly healing and piecing myself back together, its clear that by fully embracing Rawat's dogma, I had become a fractured, semi dysfunctional, emotionally compromised human being. And it is absolutely excruciating to extract, compile, and then post some of the stuff I've said on the forum. In fact, when I wrote what is now my "journey" above, it took several weeks of tortured thought where I spent hours digging into my subconscious trying to relive what the hell was going on. Even now I can't read a single word of that post without feeling physically queazy!

I think in a lot of ways Rawat even saw me as the model devotee. I've never thought about it like this before and don't want this to sound self serving, but he may have seen me as proof that he was right and Knowledge worked if only his premies would apply themselves to that same degree. Maybe that's part of why he kept me around and in such close contact. (besides needing a driver he thought he could trust and another foolish premie he could squeeze for big dollar donations all at the same time!)

Anyway, I have a lot more to say and years of material to sort out and process no matter how hard it is at times. And I'm actually feeling great as I go about discovering life on my own, stabilizing myself mentally and emotionally, and reconstructing my distorted perspective on reality. Thanks again to everyone here for your help and support, and for this great forum that exposes Rawat for what he is and the damage he creates.

6th Febrary 2012 - Re: the truth hurts sometimes…..

Thanks jool.Seems like a pretty good clue that validates Rawat's sociopathic disorder; everything you mention he should do, are human-like qualities that of course he will never do, and probably is completely incapable of even imagining doing them. Great post and thanks for airing this out with me.

17th February 2012 - Toxic relationships?

My guess is some of us had a touch of codependency but the premies who are left have a nasty affliction. If we could invent a pill to cure codependency and then advertise the pill, we might have the answer. Kind of like something to fix a headache. Otherwise it might just be hopeless to try to wrestle the premies out from their debilitating relationship with Rawat. Check out the definition below; the symptoms like denial, low self esteem, compliance, control, etc. are right on when we look at those stubborn premies who are left in the cult. Plus victims of a narcissist ? !!! How fitting.

18th February 2012 - beyond embarrassing….

Wow SF, that reminds me of a situation I had long ago tried to forget. It was 1987 and the last time I ever invited a new person to a public program. In an extremely rare but sensational convergence of compassion and opportunity, Rawat himself was coming to town. The whole premie community was lit up and there was an almost competitive buzz among us to see who would bring the most "guests". Of course, I wanted to win that little contest and at the same time score some cosmic good premie points. In my twisted mind I truly believed Rawat would somehow magically know I was out there recruiting for him and be quite pleased about it. But besides the anxiety of preparing the hall and his personal arrangements, there was incredible pressure to get the word out and fill every seat with fresh new blood.

So I asked a business associate to go and she hesitatingly said yes. Looking back I think there was an unrequited sexual undertone behind our whole relationship at the time, which made this a safe event to attend together. Who would ever think we were considering having an affair while attending a spiritually related seminar featuring a world renowned humanitarian leader. Besides, she only knew me by my businessman persona glossed over with my passively gentle and friendly personality I had carefully cultivated to help me interact effectively with the outside world. (Yuk!)

Well, she sat though the program stone faced and horrified as Rawat spouted off in grand fashion about absolutely nothing for an hour. I remember now how excruciating it was that night, to watch her out of the corner of my eye while desperately trying to squeeze some measure of "experience" from the satsang and darshan that was going on. But the expression on her face just summed up the gross contrast between the fundamental substance of the real world and the illusory and fantasy nature of the cult.

After the program, I boldly suggested we go have coffee and discuss the presentation, as really more of an exercise in damage control. Instead she politely but literally ran like hell to get the fuck away from me and those crazy cult people in the hall. Needless to say, that night put quite a damper on our relationship and it wasn't too good for business either. But in a silent but continuous violation of Rawat's directive to spread the word and recruit new people, I did learn to never even discuss the cult with another outsider ever again.

19th February 2012 - Momentum

Thanks for bringing this up SF. I know for me this really does need to be processed a whole lot more because of the regret and disappointment (guilt?) in myself I feel for sticking around so long. I also agree wholeheartedly with your 3 points plus all the comments from others who have replied. Like you and probably many of us, I was and still am, an eternal optimist. I am all about solutions which may have been part of what kept me going in the cult; solve this dilemma about the purpose of life, God, creation, human suffering, etc. But the point that really got my attention was momentum and your painful realizations about Rawat's "seriously flawed nature".

What kept me around was ironically the same thing that resulted in my eventual departure. That was my personal relationship with Rawat. Starting in the mid to late 80's I was slowly able to get closer and closer to Rawat until we really developed a relatively intimate and special friendship. It allowed me access to him and his inner world that very few premies could even imagine. In hindsight it was that personal connection to him that turbo charged the momentum you described and kept me fully insnared in the cult.

As long as my interactions with Rawat supported my belief that he was God, why would I ever consider walking away? I thought I was absolutely the single most fortunate human being alive. I felt like Arjuna or one of the Apostles! Of course there was always the risk that I'd get in my mind about it and become consumed by my own dreaded ego. Or I was plagued with the incredibly humbling but also potentially dangerous concern that at any minute I could be displaced. How would a person ever recover if that were to happen?

I've written at great length here about how my personal exposure to Rawat ultimately led to complete disappointment and shattered any belief that he actually was who I thought he was. I guess as he got a little over comfortable with me he simply dropped his guard and let down his extremely well crafted facade. So in some ways I feel like I went from the most privileged situation imaginable to one of the most harsh and abrupt experiences of disillusionment possible. All that turbo charged momentum drove me at warp speed right into a solid brick wall! I've described it here before as crawling out from the shattered debris of a catastrophic train wreck.

I'm also thinking that Rawat may never let premies get as close to him as some of us have in the past. Look what happens. Eventually, many who do get close and get a good look at him, experience the same disillusionment, and then talk about it on the forum! It has had to have an effect on Rawat's inclination to let anybody get to know him personally. So he's had to fall back on a policy of almost complete and utter isolation and constantly be cautious of allowing anybody near him at all. What kind of leader or master is that?

20th February 2012 - Rawat's game?

SF was right; in my eternal optimism its all boiling down to I'm glad I had knowledge for so long because it kept me from becoming a Nazi or a Hare Krishna!

Just had the thought that Rawat is like the disguised wicked witch in Hansel and Gretel who seduces innocent and vulnerable boys and girls to his sugar coated cottage to eat them. They got away once they realized who the witch really was and followed the breadcrumb trail all the way home.

8th March 2012 - Beyond treatment.

Nice poem SW; and without trying to be critical in any way I'd like to throw in my own 2 cents about this issue of bipolarity. As I mentioned before, my own son has had a severe bipolar condition for over 20 years and been hospitalized 5 times with debilitating manic attacks for extended periods of recovery. So I have some real first hand experience with that. Rarely have I seen another person living effectively in society have anything close to true bipolar disorder. Although I guess you could say we were all crazy to have believed in Rawat and participated in the cult, that kind of delusion is not anything like bipolar disorder.

On top of that I have known Rawat personally as I've described at length many times, and feel confident in saying he doesn't seem at all to be afflicted with bipolar disorder. Instead I'd say Rawat is a true Sociopath, meaning he has no conscience. Also, I can concur about his alcoholism, narcissism, grandiose self absorbed delusions, and inadequate social skills. But his underlying condition is that he is a true sociopath who is beyond treatment of any kind. Sociopaths see other people as objects to be manipulated for their own personal benefit and feel no remorse when they abuse, harm, or imperil anyone by their own actions. Its all a game to them and other people are like disposable pawns for them to use and then throw away. These are the kind of people who bring pure evil into the world.

10th March 2012 - "Knowledge of the crime"…..

Great post SW and it really got me thinking about my own feelings during my entire 4 1/2 year ex'ing process. It has been a literal whirlwind of mental and emotional adjustments on all levels. On top of that, and primarily as a result of those adjustments, I have made some profound decisions about my entire lifestyle. These have affected all aspects of my life including my work, family, relationships with other people, and even where and how I live. All of these adjustments have been extremely tumultuous but really good in terms of substance and reality. In many ways I am not even close to being the same person I was 5 years ago when I was still deluded into believing Rawat was God.

But I do still "kick myself" almost every day for being very actively involved in the cult and supporting Rawat personally in many ways for 34 years. I've had a tendency to harbor undeserved guilt in an unhealthy way since childhood. And since I've become aware of that, I try to examine feelings of guilt when they arise, and think through the cause and neutralize those feelings if they are inappropriate. Don't get me wrong; I do believe guilt is a healthy and natural way to correct destructive tendencies and that it is directed by our natural conscience. And I also believe most people do have a conscience in some varying degree of healthiness, with the grand exception of sociopaths.

"the potential for feelings of remorse and guilt about our prior cult activities upon ex-ing"; "devotees could instead end up with a legacy of being cast in the roles of accomplices to a sociopathic con-man."

These words from your post above made me wonder whether I should be feeling guilty for following Rawat or whether I should try to let those feelings stop with remorse, which is entirely different. Plus I looked up the word "accomplice" which led to the word "accessory"; both of which are applicable to criminal law in the United States. The summary of it is that an accomplice or an accessory is just as guilty as the perpetrator only if they are knowledgeable of the crime that is being committed. Until I was well into my 4 1/2 year process of ex'ing, I had absolutely no idea Rawat was a fake and any knowledge about that truth was carefully and purposely hidden from view by Rawat and a handful of insiders and collaborators deep within the cult. Right up until I saw Rawat in a drunken stupor, even my own personal observations about his words and actions, fully supported my belief that he was who he said he was! In fact the only source of public knowledge of the truth about the cult and about Rawat's true identity, was this and a few other websites or writings.

Based on that analysis, I'm probably going to continue to kick myself around quite a bit for being such an idiot and falling for Rawat's remarkable scam. And I do feel remorse about the lost time and compromised involvement as part of the real world and society, that I sacrificed. But guilt is a little strong because I had absolutely no knowledge of the crime. It does raise the question however, about the handful of premies deep inside, who do know its a scam, and continue to actively participate, despite that knowledge. Or another way to look at it; if I had profited from the crime in some way, especially at the peril or expense of other unknowing victims, would my guilt be more implicit? Thanks again SW for this and all your fantastic posts. You have brought a lot to the forum and its important that you are here.

11th March 2012 - Fool or Foolish mistake?

A fool is someone who always makes poor choices. They can easily be fooled into just about anything. A foolish decision is just a mistake based on bad judgement at the time.

In the case of us signing on years ago as premies, I guess it was bad judgement plus really bad information. I like to think of it as a huge foolish mistake of enormous magnitude that has impacted my entire life. The influence of that cult has left a permanent, indelible scar on me. Now that we have been exposed to better information, we have exerted better judgement, and chosen not to continue in the foolish mistake of following Rawat.

Perhaps those who remain in the cult, after having been exposed to volumes of incriminating information about Rawat, and yet continue to exert bad judgement, are complete fools. Or as I implied above, perhaps some of them are complicit in perpetrating the scam, and are guilty as accessories to the crime. In other words, who among the remaining premies, are the fools and who are the guilty accessories. (This idea should probably be explored further, as mentioned by Ocker above.)

Personally jool, I think your comments and posts originate from a source of sheer genius! Fine line (and to use a jool expression) "I suppose….."

Modified by jasper at Tue, Mar 13, 2012 - Natural instinct to know what's true?

Thanks for that update Lakeshore. When I even begin to think about sitting in another program and trying to listen to that crap it just makes me feel creepy. I'm not sure what other word to use than that. But I had to feel somewhat reassured about our progress in exposing Rawat and his scam when I read your comment below that said:

"look at what "control tripped" Prem has turned it into: a super-controlled, almost secretive, cloistered, SmartCard screened, metal detector society, to talk openly about… the joy of life, peace and breath!"

Sounds to me like he's just plain scared that somebody else might come out and start posting even more incriminating information. He has to live in a state of constant anxiety not knowing what will happen next. His response to that intense fear and anxiety is to exert more and more control.

Let's face it, Swimming Free coming out was a huge blow to Rawat's remaining credibility among the hard core major donor group. These are smart people who simply remain deluded and hang on to the feeble hope that it will miraculously turn out to be true. But they must have lingering doubts lying right beneath the surface of the thin shell that encases their subtly knawing natural instincts to know in absolute terms that they have made the right choice. Nobody wants to be fooled. It feels terrible. In fact that last thread made me realize I'm really not completely sure how to describe what I actually feel about being fooled so completely and for so long, except that it feels just plain terrible.

But back to Rawat being scared. It's been about 5 years since I asked his advise about how to deal with some intense personal problems I was experiencing. His only reaction back then was to smugly chirp out, "don't let it get to you, don't let it get to you". I can still hear a kind of snarly tone ringing in my mind that emanated from within his voice when he said it. As I'm thinking about this, those few words are actually very revealing of Rawat's own strategy about how he tries to handle HIS personal problems. He just tries to deny them.

But come on….. how long can someone go on like that who actually isn't God. Especially a totally self absorbed, ego maniac, narcissistic freak who thrives on believing he alone is the single most intelligent and unquestionable authority in the world on just about anything. It has to get harder and harder all the time. Plus he has to live in constant fear really about who else might come out and what else they might say.

What if his kids or Marolyn turned on him? How about Akele, Marolyn's personal valet for 30 years. Or Patrick McKracken, Rawat's own valet? What about the flight crew, or the premies who manage his travel and personal accommodations like Mary Holley, As Tazi, or some of Rawat's personal Security Team who I'm more hesitant to name. How about the handful of premies who live at the Malibu residence like Gary and Chris? They all know secrets about Rawat that would probably make all of our posts pale in comparison. So, we should feel encouraged and continue to relentlessly chip away at the veneer Rawat hides behind and expose him for the liar and fake that he really is.

21st March 2012 - Marolyn; (updated previous post )

The following is a post I wrote about a year ago that I just edited to remove comments indicating I felt sorry for Marolyn. I no longer feel sorry for Marolyn at all and believe she is guilty as hell for benefitting from the spoils of Rawat's theiving scam. She needs to come clean, tell the truth, apologize to Rawat's victims, and pay restitution.

"There is no doubt that in the beginning, Marolyn was a true believer. She seemed sincerely devoted to Rawat and was immersed in helping with his important "work" to save all of humanity. At the same time she appeared to be grateful for the special position she held as the wife of the Living Lord. She seemed to also carry an incredible internal burden of responsibility for her role, which was strangely tempered by a sense of compassion for all of us.

On one memorable occasion over 25 years ago, I was standing in the front yard of the Malibu residence covered in dirt. I had been working hard for several days on a special project at her request, and she was quite pleased with the outcome. She was beautifully dressed and looked absolutely stunning. Without any hesitation she paused, turned towards me and looked me right in the eyes. Time seemed to stop while she expressed with absolute heartfelt sincerity how thankful she was for what I had done. Then she reached her arms around my shoulders and hugged me with a warm and caring, yet firm embrace. My filthy hands hung limply by my sides. I did not know how to react and like an idiot just kind of stood there mesmerized by her tender, loving kindness. But in that moment it didn't matter. And with great dignity she let me know the depth of her gratitude and the insignificance of the dirt.

When planning for the new residence was well underway in the 80's, Marolyn took me aside to show me a scale model of the project that the architects had built. She was extremely excited about the new house and as she pointed out all the features she just could not contain her enthusiasm. But she was careful to qualify her comments and made sure I understood it was all part of a necessary effort to provide what Rawat needed to be able to complete his work. She knew the house was lavishly extravagant, terribly expensive, and that it would be paid for by the hard earned donations and free work of premies. Although thrilled with the idea she seemed to struggle to justify the expense and the financial and physical burden it would place on the premies to build it. There was definitely a conflict brewing within her about the flagrant self indulgence and excessive cost of the project being driven without regard, by Rawat.

Once during the early years, I was at the residence when Rawat returned from an overseas trip. As his helicopter landed in the front yard, Marolyn and a couple of the kids came running out to greet Rawat, totally excited to see him. It was obvious that she had a genuine affection for Rawat, and in his role as the Master, she still carried a healthy respect. All of this was very reassuring to me. I figured that of all the people in the entire World, Marolyn his wife, got to see the real Rawat and what he was really like. If she actually lived with him, slept with him, and still adored and believed in him, then he had to be the real thing. But a couple of years after the new house was finished and the kids had grown up, I noticed a distinct change. Marolyn's world and her life seemed to slowly develop as a separate and distinct reality from that of Rawat's. She had her projects going on and her own staff to help her, and Rawat had his projects and his own personal staff to dote on him. Rawat spent most of his time either alone in his office or traveling without her.

During Rawat's travels, and only when Marolyn wasn't with him, Monica the mistress was always around, hiding in the shadows, ready and available at his beck and call. Sometimes I would see her getting on or off the plane, or other times she would fly separately on a commercial flight and meet up with him to rendezvous for a few days. Rawat tried to keep his relationship with Monica secret, but he just couldn't hide the fact that he was smuggling her in and out of his hotel rooms. She had no real reason to be hanging around or traveling with him and it was understood that nobody was supposed to ask why she was there. If it came up at all, the standard answer from those who knew the truth was, "don't worry about it; you don't need to know. He's God and he can do anything he wants. You're lucky to be here so just do your job and keep quiet." It became obvious from simple observation, both at the residence and on these trips, that the holy marriage was in deep trouble.

Marolyn's adoration for Rawat seemed to gradually erode and fade away, and any affection Rawat felt for her, was slowly replaced by an undertone of hostility. Just a few years ago, during one of the last times I drove them together, Rawat sat next to me up front and Marolyn sat alone in the back behind the drivers seat. The trip was going well until suddenly the heater got stuck and the cabin temperature became uncomfortably hot. As I panicked helpless to fix or adjust it, Marolyn who was dressed in warm clothes, started to complain about her rapidly increasing level of discomfort. Since we were only a few minutes from our destination, I had to make a tough choice. If I pulled over to try to adjust the heater control, it would delay the trip, interrupt our schedule, and create an over reaction from the back up security team that was following our every move. If I sped up to shorten the trip, Marolyn would have to continue to suffer until we reached our destination. I looked over at Rawat and he obviously understood the dilemma. He smiled and subtly indicated that I should continue the trip, and then kind of chuckled to himself about how uncomfortable Marolyn was becoming. Afterwards, as I gradually began to regain my composure, it really struck me how Rawat had reacted. He seemed to relish his wife's suffering and I've never forgotten the gleeful look on his face as she became increasingly more miserable.

By 2003, there seemed to be some kind of special arrangement going on between them. Rawat had bought the beach house, which was perched up on a cliff with a beautiful view of the ocean and only about two miles from the main residence. It was clearly being set up as a private retreat for Marolyn. In sharp contrast to his typical obsessive control and domination over any and every decision, Rawat had allowed her to fix it up however she wanted. Marolyn gave me a tour of the inside of the house, which she had decorated by herself in her own distinct style. She was careful to point out every piece of furniture and explain in great detail how she had acquired it, always followed by a detailed description of how little each item had cost.

The feeling I got was that although she knew the house and furnishings were all bought with premies money and hard work, she had been frugal in spending and had not wasted any of that money. Telling me all of this seemed to relieve some of her guilt about how it had been acquired. Somehow she seemed to want me to understand that her way of doing things was different and in sharp contrast to Rawat's. While he would flagrantly waste premie's money with his extravagant spending habits, when left to make her own decisions, her style tended towards being more conservative and minimalist, while not compromising on quality.

The last few times I stayed at the Malibu guest house in 05' and 06', Marolyn had clearly been drinking heavily on a regular basis. This didn't appear to be an occasional event, like having a couple of drinks once in a while to let go a bit. From what I could see it had become much more serious than that. She stumbled by my quarters one night with her personal valet in tow. He was apparently helpless to stop her, but knowing that her intoxicated condition would be obvious, he tried desperately to contain and collect her, while simultaneously apologizing in an attempt to smooth over the incident. When I would see her late mornings or early afternoons, she looked hung over and not the same vibrant person who I had known and worked with for years.

The very last time I drove her was in 07' for a short trip to the airport at about 10:00 one morning. Although beautifully dressed with meticulous but slightly over-applied makeup, she was unreasonably irritated, tense, and jittery. She sat alone in the back seat and chattered aimlessly to herself for 20 minutes about whether sour cream should be put on top of take out Mexican food, or delivered in a separate container. None of it made much sense but she was truly struggling to determine the best solution to this puzzling dilemma. This was not the same Marolyn I had known for the past 3 decades. Her personality seemed to have sadly and dramatically changed.

She also knew about Rawat's ongoing affair with Monica and although I never heard her mention it, I think she was understandably torn up about it. At some point it seemed like she had seen all the way through to the real Rawat, and came to accept the fact he was just a fake, a con artist, a cheater, and a horribly flawed individual. After that, it almost seemed like they formed an arrangement where the marriage was kept in place but she was free to create her own separate life at the beach house. Her more recent appearances at Rawat's staged TPRF events seem falsely obligatory and orchestrated at best. Gradually I watched her change over time, as she struggled to justify Rawat's excessive spending. Then she became consumed by guilt and resentment as he continued to brazenly take advantage of premie's through their donations of money or free work. Despite her internal guilt, she has always cooperated in Rawat's scam, and while she may have rationalized it in the beginning, she has actively participated and continued to reap the benefits.

I just can't imagine how Rawat could have fooled his own wife like he did. At the same time, staying with Rawat after she understood the truth makes Marolyn an accessory to his crimes. Even though Rawat has no conscience and feels no shame, Marolyn did have a healthy conscience at one point. Instead of standing up for what she now knows to be true, she instead supports his charade and lives off the stolen bounty from Rawat's scam. Although I used to feel somewhat sorry for her, that is no longer the case. The only way Marolyn can possibly redeem her complicity is to find the courage to leave Rawat, publicly come clean about the con game, ask for forgiveness from the premies, and move on."

24th March 2012 - Marolyn's choice.

As I said below, I used to feel sorry for Marolyn but no longer do. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she can leave at any time but chooses by her own free will to stay with Rawat; knowing full well he's a fake, liar, con man, and thief. Marolyn could leave him today if she wanted to. She drives freely in and out of the gate at the Malibu residence, has her own place to stay, and would be legally entitled to a huge financial settlement including substantial alimony for most of the rest of her life. Her kids are grown and as far as we know some of them might actually feel good about it. Like Cynthia says, there is plenty of professional help available to support her through recovery from addiction or counseling. She just has to muster up some courage, dig back into the remnants of her conscious, then make up her mind to follow through with conviction.

28th March 2012 - For love or money?

I spent a few days with Linda Pascotto as her assigned driver in 2007. Rawat was hosting a dinner for some Gulfstream executives and he brought Linda and Alvaro along to help him get through it. Rawat told me specifically to chauffeur and escort her wherever she needed to go. So, I was literally alone with Linda for several hours over the course of a couple of days. From my observations, she was still a true believer in Rawat's divinity at that time. She was also very pleasant and respectable company. All of her efforts to support Rawat seemed to originate from a heartfelt desire to serve the living lord just like mine.

As for Valerio, I have been told by a very reliable source, that he was by far the highest paid employee/consultant for EVI during the team training period, with an annual salary of about $120,000. His excessive comparative level of pay caused quite a bit of dissension among the other staff, most of whom who made 1/3 or less than that. But since his salary level was mandated by Rawat himself, nobody else could really object. Apparently that money was the primary source of income to support Valerio's Malibu lifestyle.

I barely escaped the team trainings during a rare moment of personal fortitude. Apparently my close relationship with Rawat was not widely know among the inner circle. Most of my involvement was as Rawat's out of town driver or inside the walls of the Malibu residence, so I remained essentially under the radar. But towards the end of the trainings, Valerio was scouring the ranks to make sure he had included all the "premies of significant influence" in his indoctrination campaign. When he finally stumbled on me, he called and insisted I fly to India for one of the last training sessions. Feeling relatively secure and independent in my position with Rawat, I basically refused to go and sort of laughed it off as a waste of time. Valerio became immediately indignant and belligerent, but had no idea what to do or how to make me go. Looking back, that moment appears to have resulted in a narrow escape, but I'm glad I listened to my instincts instead of yielding to my cult programmed mind.

31st March 2012 - Typical Rawat…..

Great story Swimming Free and it shows exactly how Rawat really is just an unbelievable self absorbed, self centered, hypercritical, mental and emotional deviant. In Rawat's warped mind, everything is twisted inside out, so it always becomes all about him; and with an added sharp note of absolute superiority just for good measure. Its pitiful really, that a person like Rawat can actually exist, who is so unconsciously arrogant that they have to spin every conversation so it revolves about themselves. And in the process, Rawat has to be critical and put everyone else down to reinforce his own superiority. It makes me think that Rawat might just be so incredibly deluded, that he actually drifts in and out of the perpetual belief that he really is God; and that makes him simply beyond reproach.

In this example, instead of appreciating your beautiful sunset, HE happens to have a better one, and its "right over there…..". Which leads to the comment about HIS boat and HIS exclusive yacht club which is also "right over there" where HIS sunset is always better. Then he couldn't admit HIS kids were lacking in anything including HIS imaginary idea about their great ability to fish. And he'd never want any of your lousy fish because HIS fish were naturally better. In fact, HIS kids would never even kill a fish like you might do, so they let fish go because that's a much better way to deal with fish than yours. And by the way, HIS kids are so great that you could never teach them anything!

Of course premies can't see any of this because they believe he actually is perfect and better than the rest of us in every conceivable way. Plus they've been impossibly brainwashed and would never even think of questioning Rawat or his ridiculous perspective, even for an instant. On top of that, premies have become seduced by Rawat's smooth style, deliberate mannerisms, bold posturing, and distorted facial expressions that attempt to mask his hideous arrogance behind a well cultivated smoke screen of semi polite, light handed, humor. The fact is, none of this is funny at all. Rawat really is a horribly disgusting and dangerously maligned creature. But a premie can't see that until they peel back his false facade and clearly see Rawat for who and what he really is. Of course that realization is so excruciatingly difficult to accept, that denial and avoidance become essential to prevent the resulting pain.

6th April 2012 - Light of 10,000 suns?

Thanks Tim; your comments describe exactly the "rationale" that drove me to spend endless hours absorbed in a guilt driven meditative quest for…… I don't even know what! And if it makes you feel any better Angela, I'd do it for entire days at a time. Once after several hours sitting cross legged on the floor on a beautiful Spring Saturday afternoon, my wife suddenly snuck up on me and smacked me in the head with a broom. Apparently she felt neglected and wanted to get my attention so we could go out for a walk or something stupid and worldly like that. That may have been the most inner light I ever really experienced!

7th April 2012 - The broom

It really was quite a scene. There I was sitting on a shiny pillow in front of an elaborate altar layered with pictures of Rawat and the Holy Family. Scattered among the pictures were parts of flowers, pieces of fruit, half burned candles, and other various objects of seeming importance. Like a rock I found that had a shiny fleck of quartz in it. I had been sitting perfectly still for hours, with foam plugs stuffed in my ears to muffle the steady sound from passing buses and the traffic noise out in the street. My body had relaxed into a semi numb state, head slightly drooping, pulse slowed to a quiet rhythmic beat; breath streaming smoothly in and out…..

Then with no warning or any idea what was happening at all, she winds up and clobbers me right up the side of my head with the full force of a kitchen broom! Next thing I knew I was sprawled sideways on the floor, head throbbing, stars flashing, mind and body still numb, while she starts screaming incoherently about how I had ruined her day. Part of me wanted to fight back, but there just wasn't any fight left in me at the moment. So I just laid there for a while as she continued to pound me with the broom until the fight in her had run out of steam too.

After the pounding stopped I just got up and went outside for a walk, babbling various prayers while muttering to myself and to my imaginary guru about who knows what. Most of my thoughts were probably a mixture of self righteous justification, self pity, and pompous judgement about the inferiority of the rest of the world. I guess, looking back at all that, it really does show how crippled I had become at participating in a relationship or even the normal activities and interactions of society and life. As I'm thinking back on this now, the broom does seem somewhat symbolic. Rawat had taught me to just sweep it all away, as if nothing really mattered anyhow, except my obsessive and single pointed devotion to him and him alone.

11th April 2012 - Elusive Reference Point?

"give Knowledge a fair chance. have something better. let the seed grow. remind you again and again. continue to grow. their own journey. there are no shortcuts to it. let people prepare. feel the real thing. when they are ready."

Just thought I'd pull out some key words from Rawat's clarification of his promises. These promises are obviously at the core of his "message" but when you look at the core of the promises, what's really there? Its just a bunch of gobbley gook that has absolutely no meaning. He never actually explains or even attempts to explain what Knowledge really is. Its all held out as some great hope that the elusive experience he vaguely refers to will actually coalesce into something of substance one day, and that will make it worth all the effort.

Take the "let the seed grow" analogy. What the hell is the seed supposed to grow into anyway? Every seed I'm familiar with actually has the potential to grow into a plant of some specific type. But in all the years I practiced Knowledge with absolute deliberate and concentrated effort, I never asked myself what was the reference point for all this internal development and growth? What exactly am I supposed to become? Of course I knew I'd never become like Rawat because he was the unique and only one of kind Master. So I guess my reference was some kind of mutation on an Indian Mahatma, or an English version of Tulsidas, or some other imaginary realized soul. But after 34 years of extremely focused and intensive "by the book" practice, I can't say much of anything really happened.

Then there is the idea of a "journey"; but I never really thought much about where specifically the greatest of all journeys would take me. I guess it was to some permanent state of transmuted perception where I would see the world but simultaneously be immersed in light, music, nectar, and the rhythm of my breath. It would be like looking through a crystalline haze where the world was there but only as a backdrop to some profound deep experience where I understood all the mysteries of time and space for all eternity. But again, can't say I really got anywhere close to an actual destination of any kind, after all those years of traveling around within inside myself.

Then he talks about his message and his ability to inspire us, but what's at the core of his message and what is he trying to inspire us to achieve? And what are we supposed to become so prepared for? And what does he mean by the real thing? Its amazing to me how willing I must have been to suppress my inquisitive mind and succumb to Rawat's absolutely empty and meaningless jargon. But that's what has to happen to become a true believer. Hence the "leave no room for doubt in your mind" requirement and the hours of conditioning through satsang or the keys, and the keep in touch clause to continue the brainwashing process. And to continue to perpetuate the conditioning, the use of fear to prevent us from showing the techniques. Which might bypass the brainwashing process for future recruits……

25th April 2012 - Don't forget to send money…..

Sounds like Rawat was framing all kinds of multipurpose messages into this one; his "message of peace" whatever that is supposed to be, the guilt we should feel for abusing children, positions himself as the problem/solution go to guy for these tough issues that plague humanity, plus a subtle plug for donations to TPRF. Hey, isn't that the shell nonprofit that he uses to skim off 85% of his followers donations meant to feed starving children?

Read TPRF Financial Statements (nt)

28th April 2012 - Team Training Therapist gets paid!

He did pay Valerio however, to organize and conduct those nasty team trainings that Lakeshore described. In fact, Valerio was the highest paid employee on the EVI payroll at $120,000 a year. I know that's more than he pays his copilot and I'd bet that made Valerio the highest paid of any of Rawat's "employees". Imagine that. The highest paid position in the Living Lord's organization to establish Peace on Earth is for a shrink!

30th April 2012 - Right where he belongs…..

"Would Rawat even step foot in a prison if it wasn't going to be publicized for his own benefit….."

Obviously NO. Which made me think for a brief minute about where Rawat could possibly go to find an audience for his warped message in today's information saturated world. Prisons are at the top of a very short list. In fact, in a prison, Rawat has the added advantage of being protected from those he intends to speak to. He doesn't have to shake any hands, answer any questions, or really interact at all with anybody except those premies who accompany him or maybe the warden. That's if the warden decided to waste his time greeting a worn out, dried up, preacher-guru, with a his latest and greatest version of "prisoners for peace".

Its ironic really, that in his waning years, Rawat would find his potentially last approachable, and vulnerable victims in a prison. It really is the place where he should appropriately end his own personal criminally tainted career. Rawat's wrap sheet and record includes several insidious felonies like fraud, extortion, theft by deception, manslaughter, and harboring a pedophile!

2nd May 2012 - Rawat's Resentment

Sounds to me like Rawat has a bad case of resentment. Not surprising really; its the perfect result of an accumulated lifetime as an alcoholic narcissist. He blames everyone else for the disaster he has become and can't even admit to himself that its really turned out like this. Plus there is nothing he can do about it except apologize; and he is totally incapable of even considering that option. So he's stuck in his own shit and throws out pitiful insults that have no basis in reality to random innocent victims he barely even knows! He can't stand the fact that humanity will never recognize him for the great master he thinks he is and he's cracking apart as his dwindling flock turns their back and publicly exposes his grand scheme. The injustice of it all is so undeserved and unbearable that he harbors deep feelings of resentment towards everyone except the small handful of believers who remain. But he's never sure even they will be around tomorrow……

4th May 2012 - Beyond Cruelty

"premies have been forced into hibernation, a state of suspended animation, each holding on to his or her own private interpretation, all of which cumulatively adds up to nothing consistent from premie to premie. And they can't even compare notes!! The cult may be alive, but cohesion died a long time ago."

Excellent observation lakeshore and perfectly expressed! After so many attempts to reinvent himself I wonder if premies even know what Rawat stands for or what his actual message is today. Programs were always seen as a way to reconnect and recharge, kind of like an infusion of some kind of invisible Knowledge tonic that would give us a boost. But it would only last so long and then another one was needed to keep up the momentum. It provided the antidote for "spacing out". And it became a dependency to some degree as well as a social necessity for the continued health of the cult society. That society played a critical role by encouraging the individual premies to continue slugging away. If attendance was up, it provided a conscious validation that all was OK and the belief system was alive and well. High attendance also provided a subtle pressure on those of us on the "inside" to hold our place close to Rawat because others were waiting to fill those coveted positions.

So I wonder now, as you said, what keeps them connected to Rawat and to each other? What is the reference point? Perhaps as consistent contact fades and the ranks continue to dwindle, more and more premies will no longer be able to resist the urge to stop in here and check out the forum. Ultimately, that innate doubt about whether Rawat and Knowledge are real, has to keep surfacing. And without the constant reinforcement from programs and other support functions to combat that doubt, resistance must inevitably fade. And curiosity to see what is happening here will grow just as it did with me. It grew until I could no longer resist the temptation to google ex-premie and once I started reading I couldn't stop….. The dam had broken.

5th April 2012 - Re: Methinks you've thought too much

OK…. I agree. A resentful ignorant arrogant shithead and racist and sexist.

10th June 2012 - a couple of more reasons why……

"Rawat has never retracted or renounced any of it. He has never said…" Sorry folks I was wrong….I am not actually a master of anything and I really don't know anything more than you do…stop listening to me and listen to yourselves".

The reason he hasn't done that ? who knows? I think it is because a) he isn't the sharpest tool in the box and b) he can't face the enormity of the lie that his life has been based upon and therefore probably hides in continued fragile self-delusion."

Great thread and thanks everyone for all these important and extremely relevant comments. Seems like I haven't posted for at least a month and now when I stopped to consider why, its because I've been seemingly absorbed in catching up from those 34 lost years while I was mentally and emotionally stuck on hold. Which seems to be exactly what happened.

In fact, life with Knowledge was a conscious effort and process of not being part of life at all! In hindsight it was like trying to crawl back into a womb to encapsulate and protect and insulate myself from the real world where in all actuality, I belonged and should have been. And of course this entire perverted process was gleefully orchestrated and encouraged by Rawat who was consumed by his own delusions of grandeur.

So Tim, I'd like to respectfully add to the a and b above as to the reason why he hasn't broken down and confessed to the scam with ….. c) he remains in an alcoholic stupor to anesthetize his inner turmoil and confusion caused by pretending to exemplify Truth while living a life composed of blatant lies and d) underneath all that he is a narcissistic, self absorbed, grandiose sociopath who has no conscience, remorse or guilt, and sees other people simply as an inanimate source of supply upon which to feed.

16th June 2012 - Expenses

I've seen Rawat's hotel bills and he can easily spend $5,000 to $10,000 a night depending on who is in his entourage and what's for dinner. Can't imagine he would ever drink wine that cost less than $300 a bottle.

Seems like I had heard that in the past, those communities fortunate enough to host a program were somehow responsible to make sure the finances were covered. And if they fell short, it was up to that community to make up the shortfall. Could that possibly be true?

[Lakeshore: Yes, communities hosting Rawat's events have always been responsible for covering the costs. In the case of a shortfall, those communities ARE responsible (even though they have no control over some of the costs that are dictated from above). I've never heard of money flowing back in to communities, only out. The money flow is a one way street!]

18th June 2012 - Alien perspective

So 'surrendering the reigns of my life' to Maharaji was a highly traumatic experience that still, I confess, I haven't fully healed from. I'm not sure one can ever forget these things - or indeed, whether they should be ever forgotten or 'brushed under the carpet' as premies would obviously prefer."

Fantastic post Pat and great comments above from LS! I am still incredibly stunted emotionally and realize almost everyday the severity of the traumatic impact that Rawat's cult had on my personal development. Some days its more obvious than others. Like this past weekend for example. I was in NYC for a couple of days and went to Central Park on a gloriously beautiful Saturday afternoon. There were tens of thousands of people just being involved in normal human-like activities; skate dancing, throwing frisbies, walking dogs, lounging around, painting on canvas easels, etc.

My first innate reaction was to think all of that activity appeared to be a completely unproductive use of people's time. As I was taught and programmed by Rawat, every non-working second was to be spent consumed in Satsang, Service, or Meditation. And then the time spent working was really just a channel to make money to give to Rawat to support his work and as a sidebar……to support his radically luxurious lifestyle which he deserved because he was God. It was understood that my role on earth was to provide for him in whatever manner he wished. That effort would somehow mystically be applied to the credit side of my savings account of points towards eternal liberation. So, from that perspective, everything else was internally classified as a complete waste of time. This thought still haunts me after 5 years away from the cult.

The only way I can deal with it is to make human interaction or activity kind of a game where its a fascinating experience to observe, absorb, and learn from those around me. It really is like being an alien in a strange new world. Its like I landed here in a space ship at 60 years of age looking like one of the native population but seeing everything from a totally different perspective. Its odd, but interesting and kind of exciting when I can get past being pissed off from ending up in this compromised condition. There is a lot more I have to say about this but I have to head out to a social function where I will have no idea how to behave or interact with the other "normal" people who will be there. So here goes……

18th June 2012 - Certified Expert

According to Ericsson's exhaustive studies, I would easily qualify as an expert who achieved the highest levels of expertise as a "meditator" through deliberate practice. His research says it takes 10 years or 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to master a skill. So after over 15,000 hours of meditation during the 34 years I followed Rawat, I must have achieved an expert level. Fact is I am now a psychological and emotional mess who is totally incapable of normal human interaction or engaging in healthy relationships within society. Plus I'm pissed off about it! Thanks a lot Rawat…….

18th June 2012 - Re: Certified Expert … like the rest of us

Thanks Cq and especially for making me laugh about it. Which made me belatedly realize that "I am now a psychological and emotional mess who is totally incapable of normal human interaction or engaging in healthy relationships within society"…….. Who could not be happier !!!!!!!

Plus I even enjoy being pissed off at Rawat who deserves every ounce of wrath and anger I can scoop up and sling at him. So its kind of an interesting cocktail of thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing since the initial excruciating trauma of ex-ing. Quite intoxicating in its own perverse way I suppose.

On the one hand, being completely absorbed in the cult, and now completely and totally alienated from it; while learning how to function according to a whole new set of principals and values 40 years later.

After having been completely disassociated from the rest of humanity and now feeling completely submerged in it; having bypassed the natural, gradual and more tender exposure to society that comes from growing up without the restrictive confines of a cult.

While watching decades of depersonalization conditioning melt away so that other people are slowly becoming animated and real instead of shell like caricatures who fade in and out of my nonreactive field of vision.

Now doesn't that sound fun and rewarding? I bet a little more meditation is probably just what I need to help connect any loose ends and find some real fulfillment and joy! (yuk….. I hate that word)

25th June 2012 - Irritating Questions

"Rawat is just one example of the grubby charlatans that take advantage of the fact that humans don't inately know why they are alive."

Thanks Joe and I appreciate all your thoughts and comments. But this really struck me. I was so absolutely sure I was on the right path with Rawat and Knowledge. My guess is its because when I swallowed the entire set of beliefs, it did stop those irritating questions about my own existence. In fact it completely stopped them. I was convinced that if I did exactly what he said and practiced diligently, then I was fulfilling the true purpose of my life and everything else would naturally fall into place. There was just enough of an effect from all that meditation, mental focus, and concentration to make me feel something too. It was a nasty addictive combination. Glad to be free from it. But now I find myself having to deal with the return of those irritating questions about my own sense of purpose and have no idea how to come to terms with them.

25th June 2012 - Re: Jeez, there goes 13 again!!

he exploited the vulnerable and the needy amongst us."

Can a person get much lower than this? And to do it while claiming to be just the opposite; a purveyor of truth and righteousness. The word Despicable comes to mind……

25th June 2012 - AS?….. not even close. (AS: Asperger's Syndrome)

"a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture."

Having spent a lot of time alone with Rawat sitting right next to me or talking directly with him face to face, I'd have to say none of these symptoms even remotely apply. One on one he can be very engaging when he so chooses, communicates clearly in exactly the manner he wants to at the time, looks right at you, and can be very animated in his facial expressions, postures, and gestures. If anything, he is more like the exact opposite of this description. I'd stick to the diagnosis of an alcoholic, narcissistic, sociopath, who is primarily an addict who adores himself and has no conscience. The result is that he manipulates victims to feed on their adoration of him and the material wealth they can supply. Then he privately relishes these conquests while glorifying himself even more.

25th June 2012 - Simple analysis

Thanks for your well thought out post but I'm afraid a lot of it must just be over my head. My simple analysis would be more like this…… The premies are completely deluded and swept up in a prolonged and crippling scam, just like I was. Rawat is the perpetrator. Fortunately I got out of it and I hope for their own good, that they all get out too.

His attempt to validate himself by rallying criminals and prisoners who are locked up behind steel bars and razor wire surrounded by armed guards, is truly pitiful. Rawat has gone to some lowly measures to promote himself, that's for sure. But using those who have been physically removed from society to protect society, as pawns in his play to sing his praises????? That strategy is really hard to believe, even for Rawat!

As if these folks wouldn't already be attracted to some form of respite (translated to Rawat's most recent tag line; "peace") from their tormented lives and the desperate situation of life behind prison bars where they finally have landed. It still seems very appropriate that as Rawat's meager following continues to dwindle into oblivion, his last bastion may be within the bowels of the criminal justice system where he very well belongs.

27th June 2012 - Simple analysis

Thanks lakeshore; I'm learning very quickly to appreciate reality and actually enjoy it. What an amazing concept and refreshing relief after completely avoiding it for so long

29th June 2012 - Ultimate Delusion

"I think that people who really want to make a difference are quite kind towards premies. Those who attack almost for the sake of it, seem to undermine all the effort of others to encourage wider discussion."

Thanks Pat and everyone for their comments in this thread. Personally I'm of the opinion that attacking anybody does not do much to contribute to a positive outcome. Unless its all out war or you just want to take somebody out. Typically the response to overt criticism ends up by generating a defensive reaction where all constructive discussion just shuts down.

At the same time I really appreciate the efforts of the early pioneers of this site who stood fast and repelled the brutal attacks of some of the most possessed of Rawat's minions. Those efforts cleared the way for us to continue our growing quest to expose Rawat and possibly break through to some of those who still have hope of waking up and finding freedom from the cult.

"Delusion: 1 a: the act of deluding: state of being deluded. b: an abnormal mental state characterized by the occurrence of psychotic delusions. 2 a: something that is falsely or delusively believed or propagated. b: a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self."

Webster is pretty blunt about this especially with the words "persistent false psychotic belief". But looking back, when I was fully absorbed in the cult, the all consuming belief in Rawat's divinity, and all the associated false dogma that went along with it, this definition rings true. I was absolutely deluded and not thinking or acting within the rational scope of reality or the real world. I truly was consumed by a persistent false psychotic belief! Premies who have remained in the cult are experiencing that same state of delusion that consumed my psyche in absolute totality for 34 years. I find it hard to hold that against them and instead sincerely hope that they can all find a way out of that destructive web. I also find it easy to hold Rawat fully accountable and hope he gets the retribution and justice he so fully deserves.

1st July 2012 - Stewing in his own negativity…..

"I'd hope that there was a circle of Hell reserved for exploiters such as Prem Rawat ….. while we're here, alive, in a human body." cq

As I think back now with more clarity to the times I spent with Rawat personally, he really did seem like a miserable wretch. On stage and in public he of course presented an entirely different but fake persona. As we all know, in those situations he delicately orchestrated his character as an all knowing messenger of peace and joy. But behind closed doors or when surrounded only by his carefully selected, intimately close, and well screened sympathizers, he was a pitiful mess.

When Rawat wasn't drunk or hung over he was terrified of germs and dreaded any human contact outside of his handlers. He obsessed over ridiculous details and complained irrationally over everything in sight. Nothing was ever good enough and he was hypercritical of his surroundings, anybody else's actions or comments, or even the physical appearance of those lousy, worthless, premies, who he blamed for anything that was wrong. Of course since nothing was ever right, he had plenty to complain about. Rawat, in his toxic insecurity, demanded control at all times, and exerted an overbearing sense of superiority that was paralyzing to his devotees. Underneath that domineering presence, he relished the repressed personal indignation of premies, that trailed in the wake of his terroristic behavior.

Besides keeping a vigil eye out for excuses to abuse premies, some of Rawat's favorite targets for criticism were hotels, food, and cars. I remember his initial critique of a brand new Mercedes S500 I had just bought to chauffeur him around. It was a 2000 model which was called the "Millennium Car" and was Mercedes signature effort to engineer their flagship luxury sedan to beat all others and set a new standard of excellence for the high end market. They spent hundreds of millions and years of design to make that car. Mine was classic Imperial Silver with a special order Pewter full leather interior. It had every conceivable option and was absolutely gorgeous. The car cost me dearly. But I was proud to have it for his personal use and couldn't wait for his reaction the first time he saw it.

As soon as he sat in the front seat, Rawat's immediate reaction was to quickly survey the cabin and manically fondle all the controls while composing a list of items to criticize. Within less than 2 minutes he lashed out in a tyrade of abusive complaints. The windshield had too much slope, the seats were too firm, the window controls were in the wrong place, it should have been quieter, the leather stitching was too course in texture, and on and on…… I sat there quietly, oblivious at the time to his overtly negative perspective. When he was done, he seemed strangely self satisfied about his analysis. But as I indulged in my persistently false psychotic state of imaginary bliss, my thoughts at the time were about his shining brilliance and how he so quickly knew what Mercedes should do to improve their cars.

1st July 2012 - those lousy, worthless, premies

"those lousy, worthless, premies" Is that a direct quote from the Perfect Master? If so, what else did he have to say about premies?

No; more of an undertone. Thanks for the correction.

1st July 2012 - Re: Stewing in his own negativity…..

Actually Lakeshore, I agree with you completely and appreciate all of your descriptive and clearly expressed thoughts and comments. And you nailed it again; that was the car he casually and thoughtlessly desecrated by chain smoking in it on a 4 hour trip. (each way!) It never was the same after that. But I'm sure he easily justified his abusive and selfish behavior by the summary conclusion that it was a shitty car anyway. Why, just look at all those inherent defects that Mercedes carelessly built right into the thing. Besides, it wasn't his car, and for all he cared I could spend the next 6 months until his next visit, trying to clean out that nasty smell. Plus, all that cleaning would provide me with some valuable service to keep me subjugated and in a state of humility! Pure genius; Rawat's brilliance and analytical ability is just so far beyond what we mere mortals could possibly ever even begin to understand…..

1st July 2012 - Re: Stewing in his own negativity…..

Did he often muse upon or appear impressed by anything interesting …books, music, science, nature or seem concerned about anything important of a humanitarian nature … current affairs, human suffering in the world, relief work, peace negotiations etc.

Nope. Never. Some of his favorite magazines included; "Yachting World", "Stereophile", "Conde Nast Traveler", "Gourmet", "Automobile", stuff like that with lots of pictures.

2nd July 2012 - Over $500K

Also the fact that he has no interests except in material things is illustrated by his choice of magazines. But " Sterophile" prompts another question. We know he has to have the very best, didn't his sound system cost a quarter of a million dollars? But what does he play on it? what sort of music does he like? and does he really appreciate it?

Just his speakers and cd player cost $270K as shown in the attached links. So by the time you add in the other components of that caliber; amps, preamp, DAC, cables, racks, tuning devices, etc. that number could easily double to over half a million bucks. And that figure wouldn't even begin to touch any construction modifications that were done to his dedicated listening room to improve the acoustics. That's where things get really expensive.

My guess is that he rarely actually sits and listens to the system and there are few people left in the world who he might show it off to. So it probably just sits there. He promised me a listen at one point. So, I kept waiting patiently year after year for him to invite me in every time I was at the residence, but it never happened. He probably listens to his own music or Daya's produced at his studio down the hall, or else New Age smooth sounding, electronic stuff. That's what he liked in the car. God help the cleaning person who has to dust off all that equipment. Imagine leaving a fingerprint or worst case, scratching one of those gorgeous speakers?

Most expensive speakers

Stereophile Review of Scarlatti System

6th July 2012 - Re: Some Brotherly Love for all Premies from Ocker

Can you remember the years the new malibu mansion was built? Did Jagdeo live there?

Seems like the mansion began around very late 80's or 1990 and went on for most of the 90's. Can't remember exactly. Never saw Jagdeo there and pretty sure he didn't live there. My comment about his language was more of a bad spin on how he pronounced his words in English.

8th July 2012 - one more of something…..

"nor have I ever " experienced" a state where total stillness, emptiness and lack of perception existed while the " I" (curiously) loitered around in it, remaining aware."

Thanks Dermot, Well said; same for me and I can't say it was for lack of trying. As I would sit hour after hour in meditation, there were moments when I felt like I was getting close to something that was absolute but I could never dissolve into it. It was always just out of reach. Frustrating really. And it caused me to feel somewhat resentful of the material world because the physical part of life was more of an inconvenient distraction.

My resulting experience really was a state of quiet, indescribable, isolated, desperation rather than peace and bliss. And from that state of desperation I would turn back to Rawat for answers and explanations. But of course there weren't any. Just incoherent babble that actually blended quite well with my incongruous experience. The whole package was held together by the idea that just one more long meditation, or one more program, one more word from Rawat, one more something, would get me there; wherever there was.

8th July 2012 - what I meant to say was……

Rawat is a filthy liar and it pisses me off that he not only got away with his lies for so long but that he continues to get away with lying to a bunch of deluded premies who can't face the truth. And I did miss the "tongue in cheek" message about all those Bholey Shri's which as I recall means something along the lines of "all glory to the living perfect master." That seemed like somewhat of a strange way to close out a person's journey into the grand delusion of Rawat's destructive, mind altering cult.

I wasn't being critical as I clearly stated in my last post, but I just don't get how on the one hand Rawat can be guilty of what I believe are horrendous crimes against innocent victims, but at the same time could have provided so much intangible collateral benefit in the process? And as others have suggested, I'm not interested in organizing a lynch mob or even arguing about differing opinions. But after 3 excruciating years of trying to regain a foothold in reality by facing the truth head on about the depths of my own delusion, I guess I am becoming somewhat intolerant of any references that might possibly condone the perpetrator of that delusion; i.e. Rawat.

My main interest here is to expose Rawat and try to stop him and not argue about theories, hypothetical analysis, or philosophical perspectives. So if I somehow found myself in the middle of that kind of conversation, I would like to take this opportunity to graciously bow out. I do sincerely wish everyone the best no matter what their opinions. One final comment; I have intentionally chosen to not reveal my identity for what I consider to be reasons of personal security which I am not able to discuss.

8th July 2012 - Re: what I meant to say was……

Thanks Mike. In my opinion, Rawat is an alcoholic, narcissistic, sociopath. He has no conscience and will manipulate anybody to get what he wants. He may briefly fade in and out of some grandiose delusion that he is so superior to other beings, he probably believes he is God for a while. Then the alcohol brings him back down and he lashes out in anger at anybody around him. Below is a post I wrote a couple of years ago about the dichotomy of Rawat's personal life that you so clearly spelled out as 1) and 2) above. My guess is he flip flops between both. Here's the post:

"He refuses to interact with premies in any way that could be described as normal, always putting up barriers as if he's trying to protect himself from them or keep them at a safe distance. He acts as if he's more afraid of premies than fond or appreciative of them."

Right on target Lakeshore. But its not just Premies Rawat is afraid of, its everyone. He refuses to interact with other pilots who are his professional colleagues at flight training. Instead he takes shelter in his own private motor home to avoid the possibility of interaction. He has become alienated from his entire extended family except for Raja Ji, who really doesn't have much to do with him. I'm convinced Raja Ji sticks around because he's getting a free ride at the expense of his brother's premies.

Rawat keeps his immediate family quarantined within the walls of his compound on the hill in Malibu. Are the walls there to keep them in as well as to keep out intruders? He designed his house so that each child would have their own personal quarters hoping and intending that they would never leave. Rawat has no real friends, just occasional visitors that he invites to stop by on rare occasions, for brief visits and his own personal amusement. He has no work associates because he doesn't work. Rawat may not be capable of becoming close to anyone because he's afraid of interacting or engaging in meaningful relationships. He's incapable of real love.

I spent hours with Rawat and in some ways may have been about as close as anyone ever really got to him. We interacted in a friendly way but it never reached a level of comfort where there was any real personal substance to it. He just could not engage. Instead, he would act aloof or pontificate about a variety of subjects, mostly to impress me with his self absorbed superior intelligence. It was always strikingly obvious how extremely critical he could be of anyone or anything. This aggressive dialog was most likely a defensive tactic so he could more comfortably keep his distance.

That may explain why Rawat is so obsessed with accumulating things. Instead of becoming close to people, Rawat substitutes things as his objects of love and affection. Since those objects can't really love him back or provide what he needs, he obsessively collects more and better things in an attempt to fulfill his insatiable misplaced desire for real love. Its an endless cycle that requires an inexhaustible supply of money. He needs premies to provide the money to fuel the cycle. Underneath this self destructive and unfulfilling drive and obsession, Rawat is seething with anger because he never gets what he really needs. The anger is unleashed on the same premies he depends on to fuel the cycle. Premies are the victims of his greed for money and things and misplaced need for love, while presenting an easy target for his self generated rage.

All of this is carefully disguised by the variety of dramatic characterizations that we are all familiar with; the Lord of the Universe, the Enlightened Master, the Compassionate Teacher, the Renaissance Benefactor, the Charitable Philanthropist, etc., etc., etc. Underneath all that is a confused, terrified, empty, troubled and sociopathic narcissist who preys on others to try to satisfy his obsessive needs. That's the real Prem Rawat who was clearly exposed, laughing hysterically and maniacally at everything and everyone, blind drunk in the back seat of my car.

12th July 2012 - Re: Rawat On Work and Sucking Snot

"We are a collection of individuals who consider ourselves students and supporters of Maharaji. He is a teacher, or master, who has shown each of us a source of joy within ourselves and who continues to inspire and delight us with his insight into the human condition and his focus on the ever-present possibility of experiencing that joy."

David Anderson
Erika Anderson
Mitch Ditkoff
Bob Johnson

Of all the fundamental underlying principals within the cult, the Master–Servant relationship may be the most insidious. Once a premie fully embraced this idea, their natural instincts and defense mechanisms were neutralized and Rawat had that premie under his control. Their rational mind became essentially disabled. Family values along with educational, religious, and deep cultural influences and beliefs were diluted and replaced. The new driving force and motivation of the converted servant/premie became an insatiable desire to fulfill the demands, wishes, and expectations of their Master, Prem Rawat.

Rawat has repeatedly attempted to cloak himself as a Master/teacher and premies as students in an effort to gloss over his intent to gain dominance and control. But once inside the cult, premies learned about Rawat's supposed divinity, and through absolute surrender to their newly found Master, placed themselves in a position of servitude. Then through effort, practice, and conditioning, that premie would grow in their "understanding" until they became unconditionally subservient to Rawat.

This process was reinforced and supported through the rituals, language, songs, prayers, costumes, pageantry, behavior, and hierarchy that reflected and reinforced the belief that Rawat was their Lord and Master. Implied was his absolute power and authority over his premie servants. This bond evolved in time towards complete submissiveness and enslavement. Ultimately premies became like chattel in his hands to be used and manipulated for whatever purpose he so desired.

When I was 20 I might have actually been looking for a Master to provide guidance and even some measure of control over me. Clearly I was searching for direction and stability during a time of social and internal chaos. Later that dependency began to crumble and when I finally got a good look at Rawat and his inexplicable bad personal behavior, I realized he simply was lacking the substance and character of someone deserving to be my Master. In fact, once I saw the real Rawat behind his stage persona, it was clear he was grossly lacking in any qualities that might indicate true divinity, or even common decency.

But why do premies continue to follow Rawat with so much incriminating information about his questionable ethics and behavior available today? Clearly many premies still believe Rawat is their Lord and Master despite every indication that he is anything but divine. They continue to deny the evidence and remain submerged in their compliant role where it's comfortable, familiar, and secure. As long as they don't question Rawat or disturb the foundation of their beliefs and the structure of their relationship, they can go on no matter how dysfunctional or illusory it really is. As humiliating or painful as it is to stay, the fear of moving on into a vacuous unknown is terrifying and much more intimidating. Premies stay because that's the only reality they know.

Rawat remains in control of premie's lives and dictates how they should think and what they should feel. Their comments, language, tone, body language, facial expressions, and behavior clearly indicate premies remain immersed in a humiliating, and demeaning Master-Servant relationship. Some premies may eventually reclaim their dignity by acknowledging the truth, gathering their strength, breaking free of their role as servant, and making that leap to real freedom. But it takes a hard dose of honesty and acceptance to even consider that initiative. Funny how freedom, liberation, honesty, acceptance, and truth, are appropriate words relative to the ex-ing process. These were some of the exact same words used to lure us into the cult in the first place: right along with Master, student, teacher, and friend.

23rd July 2012 - Perfect Puppets?

This jumped out at me in the DLDE paragraph as quite revealing of the underlying manipulation and control that was perpetrated by Rawat.

"Devotees are the perfect puppets. We can be taught to do anything. Nothing is impossible for the true devotee. Guru Maharaj Ji once said that great devotees are like great actors, that they can change their roles and characters at any time and play every part perfectly."

23rd July 2012 - More like "Self Righteous"?

Hate to be so hard on ourselves and although there may have been a few true narcissists in the premie population, most of us may have had something more like a bad attitude. The word "self righteous" seems like an appropriate word to describe it. And the fact that many could quickly straighten up after ex-ing indicates that the attitude was more of a temporary, situational condition instead of the more permanent state of the true narcissist. So from that perspective, I'd like to funnel the blame squarely back on Rawat for spoon feeding us all the crap that caused that nasty bad attitude. I'm just glad I'm out of there and glad you're doing better too, 13!

3rd August 2012 - Trimmings or Substance?

Guess I'm like you and couldn't stand all the trimmings of the cult; especially all that drivel and fake manner of speaking that seemed to prevail among premies who did a lot of the talking. I was more into the substance of the cult which to me was the Knowledge and close contact to Rawat. The unconscious strategy I employed to achieve some level of tolerance was to bury myself in meditation and avoid close contact with just about everybody. I guess we all developed pretty sophisticated psychological methods of adaptation that enabled us to become so deeply entrapped. Can't say any of those methods were any better or worse than the others, but looking back now, all of them seem pitiful and pathetic. What a crying shame it all was.

29th August 2012 - Re: Mitch's real message ?

Mitch may have been subconsciously trying to give some advise to Rawat about how to fix his terribly broken organization of disengaged premies and rekindle the fire of the old days. Note the hidden message with just a few tweaks in his wording. This is what Mitch said in his concluding message…

"If you can find a way to unlock the primal mojo of your workforce, you won't need to manage as much as you do. You won't need to rely so heavily on incentive plans, performance reviews, pep talks, frowns, and punishment.

That stuff only exists because your workforce is disengaged.

But when people are on fire with purpose, in touch with their own authentic desire to create, a culture of innovation will naturally evolve."

This may be more like what he really meant …..

If you can find a way to unlock the primal mojo of your premies….. you won't need to rely so heavily on incentive plans, performance reviews, pep talks, frowns, and punishment.

That stuff only exists because your premies are disengaged.

But when your premies are on fire with purpose, in touch with their own authentic desire, the cult will naturally evolve.

20th September 2012 - Residue of the Rawat Fantasy World

Thanks for the recap Roger, glad you are doing well, and congratulations on your professional recognition. I'm just now at my 3rd year of committed ex-ing and can't say the "transitional turmoil" has passed yet. I still shake my head sometimes in complete disbelief that I fell so hard for such a pitiful pack of lies and believed so strongly that Rawat actually was God. And all that foot kissing, arm waving, song singing, and general hysteria…..What the hell was that ????? And what was I thinking!!!!! Anyhow, it still haunts me because it just seems like it wasn't me at all who was sucked into that tangled up delusion… so who was I then compared to who I am now, and how could I have been 2 so entirely different people? Do you ever think stuff like that and if not what's your secret?

21st September 2012 - Re: Residue of the Rawat Fantasy World

Thanks cq. Appreciate your thoughtful input. Also, thanks to everyone else for your continued support and concern. Its not that I'm struggling deeply and I'm sure the healing process takes time; more time for some of us than others. But the particular insidious and stubborn part of it is that through decades of intense practice I became conditioned to resist feeling anything that remotely resembled the hurt of grief, anger, confusion, or pain. So before working through those feelings its almost like I have to learn how to let myself feel them at all.

5th October 2012 - Re: New Journey on EPO - Newdawn

Warm welcome to you Newdawn and congratulations on your new found freedom! After 34 years in the cult and a close personal relationship with Rawat, exing for me has been periodically somewhat traumatic. I have cycled through exuberant feelings of relief, self awareness, and discovery followed by knawing and painful periods where I mostly wondered what the hell happened. But I wouldn't trade a single minute of life free from the bondage of Rawat's conditioning. Its amazing how clear it is to me now compared to the trance-like state I lived in while I fell prey to Rawat's pack of lies.

Rawat is a predator who feeds on the trust and good faith of some of the most generous, sincere, and accepting people I ever had the great fortune to meet. Those are the types of folks who you have found here that have been viciously characterized by Rawat as "an angry hate group of unlit matches"! Please stay close by and feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. It will help you and all of us while quite possibly providing a helping hand to lift others from the entrapment and delusion of Rawat's cult.

6th October 2012 - Complicit and Oblivious

"aren't they complicit in promoting such beliefs, or at least in allowing them to continue, even as they live in part off such wrongly influenced contributions?"

Nicely presented lakeshore and I'd like to add some of my own perspective to your excellent posts. I had been making periodic pilgrimages to the Malibu residence since the time the kids were pretty young. Seems like I can remember Daya out there when she was about 9 or 10 and Amar maybe 6 or 7. That's before the original house was torn down. That house was relatively small and although reasonably comfortable it was nothing like the extravagant palace that replaced it. The kids were pretty innocent, curious, playful, and well, seemed kind of normal and not necessarily consumed by their Father's exclusive God-like personna or a lifestyle of fantastic wealth. I remember being stuck in the playhouse with Amar during a heavy downpour one day and he was just having fun being a kid. Same thing with Daya when I had the chance to help her find her pet tarantula that had somehow been misplaced.

But over time and particularly after the new house was completed and the kids were older, the vibe out there just seemed to be shrouded in fear and extreme apprehension. Of course the house was magnificent and immaculate and everything was perfectly ordered, manicured, and of the highest quality imaginable. But there was an undeniable sense of isolation where interaction was strained and the family members had all retreated into their own independent compartments. Marolyn was particularly withdrawn and as I've indicated before, drank heavily all the time. Rawat behaved more like a wretched tyrant than the embodiment of love, understanding, and compassion that he pretended to be at events.

I'm not exactly sure why or if this is relevant to your post except that I guess most of us have been influenced to varying degrees by the environment in which we grew up. Not to make excuses here for Daya, but I witnessed that environment go through a dramatic and toxic transition during a 20 something year timespan. And what started out as potentially nurturing and possibly somewhat healthy, turned into what felt like an almost intolerable and really abusive atmosphere of sterility and suppressed contempt. So if she is indeed at least in part a product of that environment, it wouldn't be surprising at all that she is now clutching tightly to artifacts of substance; like a plane. All the while being entirely oblivious and unable to connect, or even deny that every iota of the riches she has enjoyed were produced by the purposefully deceptive and even criminal methods her Father to fleece his innocent followers.

7th October 2012 - more to consider…..

Hi Tarvuist,

Thanks for your thoughtful and very well expressed post. In fact I agree completely with your description of the early days at the residence. Perhaps that's why the contrast I observed in the later years seemed so extreme. In one of my earlier posts I went into lengthy detail about how thoughtful, compassionate, and charming I found Marolyn to be. I still vividly remember a time she graciously embraced me without even a split second hesitation while I was tattered, filthy, and covered in sweat, after completing a particularly nasty project for her. Then there was another time when she made me a fantastic tuna sandwich with such humility and kindness, I could barely muster the strength to eat it. But as the years went by, all I can say is that I personally witnessed a dramatic change.

We can only speculate as to the complexities and details of what went on behind closed doors when the family was together. But I was also able to spend time alone with Rawat when he was traveling and was exposed first hand to his ongoing affair with Monica. He really led a dual life. On the road he'd be involved in an intimate relationship with Monica and went to great trouble to orchestrate and attempt to conceal it in a grand lie. But Marolyn knew about it and she knew it was going on as Monica escorted him around the world spreading Truth and Knowledge. Then sometimes I'd be at the residence when Rawat was traveling and spend time with Monica. That's when I'd witness Marolyn's drinking at its worst.

I'm not trying to say I fully understand any of this; but the deterioration of the marriage was obvious and tangible and had to have an impact on the kids and the entire family. Imagine how Marolyn must have felt when Rawat would return home after spending the trip being intimate with another woman. Any sense of trust and even respect or admiration she had for Rawat would have to be diminished. And on top of that, with the houses, assets, public relations interests, and everything else at stake, imagine the undertone of anxiety that permeated the marital home.

And that's not the only factor that could have contributed to the changes at the family home I experienced. I'm not sure of the exact timing or if more dots could be connected, but it seems like almost about the time the Malibu mansion was being completed, the Ex-premie site was becoming a serious threat and premies started to leave in droves. So just when Rawat thought he had finally settled in at his dream home,with the family all nestled in, the bottom started falling out, and his torrid affair was picking up steam. Anyway, I hold Rawat accountable for all of it, as he selfishly and thoughtlessly continues to pursue his grandiose, narcissistic delusion at all costs. The rest are simply victims who may be entirely innocent or complicit to varying degrees.

8th October 2012 - Re: Thank you, Tarvuist, but…

Thanks lakeshore. I gotta say that sometimes you do such a thorough job of dicing up and explaining an issue that its just tough to find anything to add or even comment about. What a compelling case you've laid out here. I'd say the only excuse Daya has for defending and supporting Daddy is that she's decided to be in complete denial. Guess that makes her either really shrewd, completely ignorant, or totally complicit. By the way I wonder if she knows that busty blonde a couple of rows back at those programs, the one who is taking all those pictures…… is really Daddy's girlfriend.

8th October 2012 - Re: to be conscious

"That's the problem. In hindsight, "Knowledge" was the ultimate, childish, immature, fantasyland avoidance mechanism – the ultimate panacea. I used "Knowledge" to avoid, deny and suppress….. any….. unpleasant aspects of "this world.""

Exactly; which was the whole idea I guess. To create an artificial reality that was then labeled as the "true reality". I tried hard to dwell entirely in an alternative internal universe which was carefully orchestrated, and then manufactured by myself under the direction and guidance of my Master, Prem Rawat. What an absolute delusion it all turned out to be. And there are consequences that will follow me, regrets that must be resolved, and penalties that will have to be paid for the rest of my life and the lives of others that were impacted around me. Rawat is a curse on all of humanity. I hope that eventually he gets what he deserves.

9th October 2012 - The letter

" the great challenge for many ex-members is to recover their self-confidence and learn how to trust other people–and God–again. This challenge is magnified when years of psychological isolation, closes off the "window of opportunity" young adulthood offers to those seeking to meet the life challenges of intimacy, vocation, friendship, and spiritual identity. Thus, at 35, rather than 20, these former group members find themselves bewildered about how to meet members of the opposite sex, what to do to make a living, how to make friends, or how to get comfortable with God."

Thanks Susan for posting that letter. It describes me to a capital "T". Now at 60 years old, after 34 years of living very deeply in the cult, there is a lot of damage that's been done. On top of that I'd say I definitely severely overdosed on meditation which purposefully neutralized my emotional capacity and created a profound sense of isolation. In addition the effect of Rawat's extreme delusional conditioning has deterred my capability for any social experience, it devastated my family relationships, and now that I know it was all a lie, has blown apart my spiritual perspective where I have absolutely no idea what I even believe in.

But I'm not complaining here (yea right. see how denial creeps in based on my previous conditioning ……). I'm just validating the destruction that follows in the wake of that piece of shit, Rawat. As I said below, I hope he gets what he deserves.

Note to Newdawn; my guess is that you've got a lot to get off your mind and this is the best place I know of to do it. I have been actively posting now for over 3 years and every time I write a deeply thought out post, there is an initial sense of tremendous anxiety followed by incredible relief. Its like one more dagger was cleanly yanked from my pierced heart and it can then begin to heal. There is nothing like the soothing words of relief that come from those who post here in response to your thoughts and feelings. We have all been through it ourselves and completely understand, where others who remained on the outside probably won't. You can go as fast or as slow as you feel comfortable. Its OK to test the waters gently or just let it rip. So warm welcome again to you!

13th October 2012 - Dignity and Peace ?

"It seems to me that over time Prem had probably become more oppressive and tyrannical towards everyone around him, his control freakery going into overdrive. "

Plus I can only imagine that he has become even more isolated and more paranoid about who he can trust for anything in the past few years . Lets face it, Rawat has been 100% dependent on premies his entire life to do absolutely everything for him. He is probably incapable of living and functioning without a team of servants at his beck and call. His personal valet coordinates his schedule, follows him everywhere, dresses him, arranges meals, filters his contact with anybody, and handles his communication. Cooks make his meals. Maids obsessively clean any place he goes immediately in advance. The handlers manage all his travel arrangements, his personal security, and transport him everywhere. Someone is on call outside his door every minute of every day just in case there is any detail of his life that might need some kind of immediate attention. But he doesn't even open doors himself, someone is there to even do that for him.

Yet he has slowly learned that no one in that inner circle can be completely trusted. Any one of them could turn on him in a blink of an eye and never be seen or heard from again. Or even worse, they could end up like me and publicly blow the whistle, and get up on a soapbox and validate to the world one more time that all this talk of him being a liar and a fake is, well….. absolutely true! I'd bet several years ago when I was actively engaged as a driver, Rawat never imagined that I could ever turn my back on him. And I'm just one of many who have jumped ship with pocketfuls of secrets about his personal life and was willing to spill the beans. There are piles of incriminating information and thousands of examples and stories about his hypocritical behavior just waiting to be told. Rawat can't trust anybody and especially those he is completely dependent upon to take care of his basic needs of existence. So he lives on with the constant fear that betrayal and even more vivid and vile exposure await him every second of every day. Who will turn on him next? And when? What a wretched and miserable life it must be. No wonder he has become more oppressive and tyrannical towards everyone around him. How's that for a recipe for dignity and peace?

13th October 2012 - Trust and Support…..

Brilliant post, beautifully written ND. It goes right to the raw, painful nerve that has now been exposed, and will most likely consume your thoughts and feelings for quite a while. After 3 years mine has healed some, but I can tell there's a ways to go. Others here have moved through the process a little faster. Just let it happen. You have landed in the best place possible to find support, reassurance, and good advice. Thank you for your vividly expressed and well articulated post. I'm sure many others you can trust, who truly have only your best interests at heart, will chime in to help you sort out it all out.

27th October 2012 - Effect of Rawat's Brainwashing

"Premie music is one-dimensional, bland, horribly "know-it-all", and lacks the emotional extremes and dynamics that real music nourishes us with."

Similarly…….

Premies become one-dimensional, bland, horribly "know-it-all", and lack the emotional extremes and dynamics that reality nourishes us with.

Great post Pat and perfectly stated!

3rd November 2012 - Pecking order…..

"now donors have their level of donation publicized for all to see. This is a pretty standard procedure for legit charities, but I find it slightly odd, distasteful even, with a Rawat organization doing it - not sure why I find it so."

Thanks Mike. But what bothers me is that the posting of names sets up and enflames the internal competition among premies to out perform each other in their devotion and service to Rawat. This competition was always there as an undertone within the organization, and Rawat seemed to quietly promote it in all kinds of ways. Premies were constantly scratching and scraping to get closer to him by any means possible. Inside the major donor group there seemed to be a definite pecking order based on who gave the most with a few dominate personalities sprinkled in there to keep it interesting.

Worse yet is that within the brainwashed and deluded premie mind (my own included) it is believed that finding favor with Rawat equals a short cut to liberation, eternal life, peace, enlightenment, the promised land, God consciousness, nirvana, or whatever you want to call that perfect state of existence Rawat vaguely refers to but promises he can deliver. So here we have Rawat who at one time had premies vow to a life of poverty while personally indulging in excessive material wealth, promoting a system of advancement by increasing one's financial contributions, all in the name of charitable giving.

9th November 2012 - The two Rawats and the one big lie.

"But for every premie there are two Rawats - the man Rawat and imaginary friend Rawat. Each is supposed to support the other; in fact, they are two sides of the same coin. That is the mystery and mystique of the Lord of the Universe, that we are so graced to have his physical form on the planet that we can interact with (even if only from the back of a crowded auditorium); and by practicing his Knowledge we can have him in our heart too - and as you say, seeing our every move. And if we are particularly surrendered and devoted, then imaginary friend Rawat will be guiding our every move as well (not just seeing it)."

Thanks Mike. This really sums it up and helps explain the painful depths of my own delusion. For nearly 20 years after I began to get close to Rawat, I thought I had it all; intensely focused on meditation, repeatedly alone with Rawat personally, all while nurturing a well crafted imaginary Rawat in the inner chambers of my mind. When I was away from him, I'd diligently practice knowledge, converse with him inside my head, and wait patiently for just one more chance to be in his physical presence. Then when that moment arrived and I'd see him land the plane, taxi towards me, then step off and sit right at my side in the car…..all the while steeped in holy name knowing it could not get any better on any level for any other living human being anywhere in the entire universe!!!!!!! Over and over again……each occasion reinforcing those before, wishing and hoping it would never end with every ounce and fiber of my being. I desperately craved the chance to be with him, unable to justify my own personal good fortune, believing with total abandon that it was absolutely true, and yet entirely beyond human understanding. To have that level of experience inside and out constantly for nearly all of my adult life; and now to see it all as a cheap deceptive hoax. Now that hurts……

9th November 2012 - The two Rawats and the one big lie.

That just gushed out of me with a force of emotion that I did not know I possessed. Right now I feel like crying my eyes out but really don't know how to do that either. Thanks for being there and to everyone on this magnificent forum. You are all the best.

9th November 2012 - The hurt

Good advise and I will. Actually I am getting wise; very slowly. But sometimes the odor from the residual scum left from soaking in that brew of delusion is just overpowering. I'm sure its a healthy and necessary process. But it is a God awful stench when it happens! Knowing you understand (all of you) really helps, so thanks for putting up with me while I keep purging.

9th November 2012 - Re-discovery

Thanks Newdawn and glad you made it out too. I never quite thought about the courage and strength it took for me to leave. Mostly I felt it took courage to be that close to God and have his personal welfare and safety entrusted to my meager, unworthy hands. That kind of responsibility was daunting to say the least. When he was in the car and the door would close, I knew it was all on me if something went wrong. And I mean for all of eternity in the entire expanse of the whole universe. Who wants to be driving God down the road when the car gets T-boned by an 18 wheeler ?!!! So I guess I had to rally some serious trust and faith that it would be OK or else it would have been impossible to even hold the steering wheel.

And then there was the type of courage where I would have laid down my life for him without a second thought. That was another part of my deep conditioning, and I have no doubt I would done it in the blink of an eye. And of course I always gave Rawat full credit for giving me the courage it took to help him in such a personal way. I believed that everything came from him; the opportunity he provided, the strength to be effective, the gratitude I felt, and the ability to keep a perspective of humility and not let it go to my head. Those were my weapons to fight the fear that someday I would fall short and let him down. That would be the day I would fully deserve to have it all taken away.

So it was quite a surprise when after nearly 2 decades of personal service, Rawat finally dropped his guard right in front of me. That's when I saw first hand what a pitiful fraud he really was. As many others who were once close to Rawat have publicly expressed, behind his well crafted facade, Rawat is simply a gutter alcoholic with a pathological narcissistic personality disorder. But Rawat is also a "Master" of sorts I guess, in that he does have an ability to single out innocent victims who have something he wants….. and then to manipulate them into giving it to him; with cheer!

As the delirium has started to fade 5 years later, I'm beginning to understand that Rawat didn't really give me anything. In fact he didn't give me courage and strength; any qualities like those were already there inside of me. And the strength I had may have been put to its best use ever when I did finally muster the ability to just turn and walk away. So now I'm left with a fresh start I suppose and miraculously beneath the pain and disappointment, I have a chance to rediscover myself and whatever unique human qualities I've always had. If it turns out I really am and always have been a "true warrior" with inherent courage and strength, that's not so bad. In fact I kind of like it even at my now somewhat ripe old age. Thanks for your kind words of support and encouragement and wish you all the best after your lucky escape.

11th November 2012 - The two Rawats and the one big lie.

"Such betrayal on the very deepest level by someone who would exploit such trust, love and sincerity is a lot to overcome."

No kidding….. That level of deceit makes Rawat's crimes exceptionally diabolical. And yet he maintains the command of the remnants of his flock. Beyond understanding or common sense. But I guess those were the first human qualities he ripped from our souls. Thanks for all your thoughtful and well expressed posts lakeshore. The least we can do is keep exposing the bastard for who and what he really is.

3rd March 2013 - The Courage to be Free

"Rawat does have an ability to single out innocent victims who have something he wants….. and then to manipulate them into giving it to him; with cheer!"

"When I was away from him, I'd diligently practice knowledge, converse with him inside my head, and wait patiently for just one more chance to be in his physical presence. Then when that moment arrived and I'd see him land the plane, taxi towards me, then step off and sit right at my side in the car…..all the while steeped in holy name knowing it could not get any better on any level for any other human being anywhere in the entire universe!!!!!! Over and over again….. each occasion reinforcing those before, wishing and hoping it would never end with every ounce and fiber of my being. I desperately craved the chance to be with him, unable to justify my own personal good fortune, believing with total abandon that it was absolutely true, and yet entirely beyond human understanding. To have that level of experience inside and out constantly for nearly all of my adult life; and now to see it as a cheap deceptive hoax. Now that hurts….." - jasper; November 9, 2012

That's where I left off nearly 4 months ago. Since then I've tried to forget about it and other than a quick glance now and then, I haven't even kept up with the forum. Yet here I sit, 5 years after exing, feeling troubled and unresolved; groping for some perspective that will possibly allow closure. The pain has subsided and the anger has dissolved away. I understand what happened and even have a grip on why. The trickery, the seduction, the manipulation and abuse, were all just means that were carefully crafted towards serving Rawat's selfish and glutenous ends. And there are qualities about myself that made me particularly vulnerable fodder for him to ravenously feed upon. Almost like a magnet and steel, I would have probably met a Rawat-type predator somewhere along the way. At least now I know of such deviants and without being overly presumptuous, I'd say I've developed a particular immunity to their trappings.

I've thought a lot about why premies (including me before exing) shelter themselves in a force field of denial and stubbornly hang on tight to Rawat and the cult. It seems like Rawat's technique has been to carefully create a separate reality where premies are purposely molded into replica caricatures of themselves. My thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions were sketched according to Rawat's whimsical design to the point where he could practically draw me in the image of his choice. At the same time I was willfully inserted into a cartoon world surrounded by props and other characters that appeared to be almost identical, firmly reinforcing the illusion. There was also sort of a script to the story that made things easy. All I had to do was show up and play along. The more I showed up and the better I played my part, the more important my role seemed to become as the dramatic and farcical comedy proceeded to unfold. Bizarre as it now appears, it seemed vividly real at the time…..

There was no reality outside that animated world, at least in my own mind. And binding me to the rest of the cast were the ancient primal forces of peer pressure, customs, ritual, tradition, and distorted family and tribal values; all mixed together into a powerful code of behavior that silently and inescapably grafted me to the group. All the while clinging blindly to the belief that leading us along was God himself in human form. To leave that world was an unforgivable act of cultural betrayal as well as to commit the unimaginable sin of turning one's back on God; while he was watching.

A big, bold line had been drawn around the edges of my existence. It was unthinkable that anything of proper substance existed on the outside. Inside that artificial reality there were make believe laws and mandates where violations bore intolerable consequences. It seemed ludicrous to think of leaving that imaginary dimension where all answers and solutions were comfortably provided. Yet I unconsciously clutched tightly to that delusional world with an invisible fear. Fear becomes the glue that binds together every aspect of a premie's life. To leave the cult presents the single horrific option of self-destruction. Remove the glue of fear and the repugnant narrative crumbles into pieces. Rawat purposely cultivates that fear to hobble his followers. And then disguises it as love, dignity, and compassion.

We seem to possess a universal innate ability to subjugate one's Will with valiant fervor to a separate person, entity, power, or belief. We are also creatures who to varying degrees, submit to societal pressures that can dramatically influence our own beliefs and behaviors. And a natural born innocence of curiosity combined with an inexplicable need to understand why, seems to drive us blindly towards unraveling the mysteries of the heavens and beyond. We collectively seem to hope and and believe in some "higher power" in whatever particular fashion it may be individually conceived. But overshadowing these tendencies is our instinctual idiosyncrasy to be easily imprisoned by our own fears.

These qualities combined are at the core of our vulnerability. Yet not surprisingly, these same qualities also hold the promise of our long lost freedom. If we possess the ability to release our Will to a separate and isolated entity, we also possess the ability to take our Will back with firm resolve. At the same time, there are alternative positive social influences, as we have all found here on this very forum. And our sometimes reckless need to know what is out there can be tempered and redirected by experience, intellect, and our recaptured individual spirit. Finally, and perhaps the most challenging; our crippling fears can be overcome by raw courage. But finding that courage and the bold fortitude to break free requires directly confronting those fears. That means facing up to Rawat and the folly of his contrived, cartoon-like and manipulative parody. Everyone must face that fear alone. And that also perhaps, reflects upon the singular worst fear that terrifies Rawat the most. The fear that he becomes exposed as the travesty he is, while slowly, one by one, his victims find the courage to wrench themselves free.